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Instead of going ‘backwards’ and acknowledging things she has done in the past; why not just focus on the here and now?

Thank her when she does something you like now.

Thank her when she acts in a respectful way to you, when she is considerate of your feelings.

Forget the past – it’s gone.

Nutty

I just don’t understand.

Why would you let someone in your home and life that made you feel angry and uncomfortable?
How are you going to get through the anger if the way she is living her life annoys you?

Frank …

I experienced EXACTLY the same when I was around my H in the early days.

That is why I am not around him much now.

That is why he isn’t allowed in my home.
That is why I don’t call him or text him.
That is why we only communicate only through e-mail with a 30 word maximum.

He doesn’t get to eat my food and hang out in my home.
He gets nothing.

The result is that he (and myself too) have not had to put on an act to show the other that we are doing fine / happy / angry etc.

The drama has gone.

Boring normality prevails.

He has the life he wants.

I do not support of criticise his choices. I let him be.

He has to focus on himself.

If he is happy then that our divorce is for the best and our son will benefit from a happy healthy dad. If he is unhappy then he needs the time and space to figure out why.

Nutty.

Frank,

That is a wonderfully kind and loving thing to do. Showing others, even when they have hurt you deeply that you can still see the good in them and have compassion for them.

It shows how you are taking the high road and where your heart is at.

Blessings,
BND

Frank, funny you should mention this. Last night I took Tawny school shopping for her list of supplies. This is the first time I have ever been the one to do this. In the past, Carrie always handled this for the kids.

Afterwards I was quite exhausted and overwhelmed from all the "stuff" that is neccessary for them for school. Carrie and I agreed to send each other $ totals and split down the middle so I texted her the amount. After that text, I sent her another one, it said:

If I never told you before, I really appreciate that you always took cxare of this on your own for the kids and never until tonight realized how much work it was. Thank you for always doing for our kids.

She sent me back a thank you and goodnight text. The thing was, I didn't send it for that reason, I sent it because I was suddenly aware that I never appreciated it back then and now I do and wanted her to know it. Hell, I fealt like she deserved to know it. It doesn't matter that I cannot stand her right now, I became aware of something I appreciated and let her know it, simple enough.

Ian

Thanks Nutty, BND, Ian. This was a pretty big awakening for me. I've been angry and blaming her for a long time without realizing how much I did by not appreciating her openly.

It's ok, it's part of my healing.

Last night was rough. Terrible dreams of her talking to other men, being friends with them and me feeling like "you treat them better than you treat me". Little boy stuff. Lot's of pain and anxiety.

Yes, I went to bed feeling good and whole. The enemy plants the bad stuff to negate that good feeling.

Reading the posts this morning are helping to bring me back up to 'feeling good'.

We grow slowly, in Gods time.

No interaction with W since last night. She left the Prius here and took the minivan so D17 could use it to go to her BF house.

It's still here. Remember that when she thinks I'm mad at her she offers to 'let me have the Prius because she's hogging it'.

Anyway, means nothing really.

Still care, still love her, still releasing her.

Give nothing and expect nothing.

Frank, I like that you appreciate all your W has done. Hopefully, both of you can show thanks to each other as you go down the road of life whether you are together or apart. Taking the high road is a noble and right way.

I do see it hard for you to detach while your W can come and go as she wishes. I can only say from my own experience that when I booted my W out of the house that I was able to not worry about her and we got along much better. But mine was a different situation as she was wanting to date other men and I told her "fine, you are not living under the same roof as me".

BTW... What kind of programming work do you do? I am a system level programmer (device drivers) and find it to be quite boring but a non-stressful means to put bacon on the kids plates.

Now THERE is a strong woman.


Now THERE is a strong man.

FIB

Yes, it is hard to detach. Mostly it's because of the constant changes in her emotional attitude.

Since I have been a bit angry the past couple days, she has withdrawn from me. But as my friend says, she probably thinks I hate her.

A few minutes ago she called me to talk about the kids band / color guard membership fees, and whether I wanted to go to the 'family' band dinner next friday. She was coordial, and told me the fees, dates etc. I would say she was in 'mom mode' and somewhat businesslike.

She asked if we wanted to submit separate 'tributes' for our D17's senior yearbook and I said "We're still mom and dad so I think we can come up with something together". She said, yeah, that's true.

She's going to buy the tickets for the dinner and we're going to go together. I took the opportunity to tell her that I appreciate that she does all these things for the family, coordinating stuff and figuring out the fees. At first she didn't reply and I said it a second time and she said "Well thank you" and was silent for a moment.

Then she went on to tell me her schedule for the day, and that she'd come by around 6 pm to 'check on the girls'. She then said "well, have a nice day, bye".

It still hurts me to communicate as 'almost ex husband' because she seems so detached. I am still releasing her so she can be free to be whomever she is wanting to be.

give nothing, expect nothing

A short while ago I took D17 to the school. On the way back I drove past W's house. I went around the corner and saw her 'friend's truck parked there.

it's 2 pm in the afternoon.

He's trying to 'hide' that he's there.

I'm being lied to.

So, what to do?

One suggestion from a friend, print the divorce forms and when I see her later ask her for the truth about this guy and tell her that I won't be married to someone who does what she is doing. Tell her I'll fill out the forms and we'll go to the court together to save money.

I told her I set boundaries, that I wouldn't go through another affair or whatever she want's to call it today. What a fool I am. I tried to stand for my marriage, fix myself, get help. And she is just not worth it.

Wow. I did not need this right now but I guess God decided I am strong enough to deal with it so I will.

So much pain. I won't go through this again.