XH was telling me that he feels like I'm rubbing the past 6 months in his face by mentioning the EA and the new friend and that he's tired of me trying to make him feel guilty. That I ask questions just to shove the answers at him later. He right I do that and I know it's wrong.
I've promised so many times not to bring things up but he's told me that even when he feels comfortable telling me things I throw that back at him too.
Jen,
Stop doing it!!!! Sweetie, forgive him....truly forgive him. Put the thought of of an OW or EA or anything like that in the past.
What your H is telling me is that, he has considered coming back but he can't see spending the rest of his life being punished for what has happened in this short period of time. Yes it hurts, but forgive him.....it is not easy but do it. Looks like you have your "to do list" from your H to get back together...now do it.
Believe me, I have seen some close friends of us go through something like this. The H in the relationship had a PA over 15 years ago. The W in the relationship continues to ride his case, give him crap for it, put him down and has had some long term PAs. Basically she never forgave him for his mistake. He has stuck it out to keep the family together (he is miserable)....this isn't the type of relataionship you want to have when you get back together.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
I dont think its so much the mentioning of her, its the way you are in general... when he said
Quote:
He told me I was a pain in the a$$ and always had been and that he was tired of putting energy into our M and that's why he left. Things calmed down and the day turned out good.
you sort of brushed it off in your post, but I was surprised at that! He is communicating plainly to you that he doesnt like some of your behaviours, thats why he left, he felt that it was too much effort, but you continue to behave in ways that remind him of why he left !? Just to a lesser degree I guess? You dont have much power in this sitch, only power to change yourself and when you say again above
Quote:
XH was telling me that he feels like I'm rubbing the past 6 months in his face by mentioning the EA and the new friend and that he's tired of me trying to make him feel guilty. That I ask questions just to shove the answers at him later. He right I do that and I know it's wrong.
you are admitting to us here that you are still not making the changes?? I think you have a chance, but what would it take for you to stop being that stubborn fiery Aries girl that he struggles with and is just the passionate go getting Aries girl he obviously still loves!
He's already D you, but you still keep acting in ways that make him keep his distance. I sort of dont get that! If my ex gave me something concrete to go on .. I cant get back with you becuase you keep doing X... I'd do something about it (if it was a change I felt was justified and I needed to make). I'd go to therapy, I'd talk it through with him, I'd LISTEN to what he was telling me. I can only dream that he would give me something concrete to grasp onto, so as someone above pointed out, you have the map to know how to put it back together, but you keep butting your head against it. I think you are lucky, but you are not grabbing this gift!? Or maybe you are, but not enough, I'm not sure!
I sort of dont get why noone else on your thread has pointed that out either ! Maybe we are all so giddy that you are hanging out with him so much and ML, but its not a done deal yet!
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Ali, thanks for the 2X4 and you are 100% correct I'm not making the changes necessary. MY X is telling me and has told me so many times what he needs and I was always so concerned about my needs. I really value your honesty and I think of all the posts on my threads this one has probably hit home the most. Thanks for your advice. I will do my best to stop my bad behaviour and take advantage of all the advice offered.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
now please keep in mind that I'm Canadian and the Maple Leaf is on our Canadian Flag.. and I'm moving back to Toronto which is home of the Toronto Maple Leafs... and I really wanted a redhead!
Just a thought, I know you like a bit of astrology, there is an excellent book by Liz Greene - Astrology for Lovers I think its called (and also check out Jung, which is what its based on) where she talks about shadow selves - the shadow, or negative side of a sun sign (as opposed to the good stuff normally peddled!). Good place to start to examine yourself. Check out this site too, about shadow selves in R's generally.
Made me think your H reacts badly to your talk of his EA as he despises himself for that side of himself that has behaved that way and he cant stand how that makes him feel, when you hold the mirror up to him.
You said it yourself, what I didnt dare.. but yes the shadow side of an Aries can tend towards selfishness and all me me me and about fulfilling their own needs. Can be a little ruthless, self centred, cut your nose off to spite your face just to get your own way. Now that sounds bad in black and white and of course there are grey areas, but astrology as Mishka said on my thread does involve choices and we can alter our behaviours. The tagline for astrology is "know thyself" and in doing so, you learn to handle yourself and others better.
You can turn that hotheaded singlemindedness to good use! Get your H back...
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
