Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy First Post - Advice on a nightmare with no end

((Jimi))
I was reading your posts and was going to reply to you, then I read your last post and ABSOLUTELY HAD to reply!!! I have been there. In fact, the words are identical!!!!!
My H and I seperated a year ago. He flip flopped back and forth between me and OW. He kept saying, he wanted to end things with OW on HIS terms. When HE was ready to do it. He wanted to be with me, but he 'didn't want to crush her anymore than he already had.' And the whole time we were still being intimate and such.
So, normally, I would push and push. Me and the OW would meet, or someone be in contact, or something. I would talk about him ending it with her, that type of thing. ALL IT DID WAS PUSH HIM STRAIGHT BACK TO HER!!!!! We would end up back in square one, fighting, not speaking to each other and when we were around each other at family events and such, you could cut the air with a butter knife!!! I wonder if maybe when your wife says something about 'sabotaging' maybe she means you contacting the OM and telling him what has been happening between the two of you? That would mean you were the one to end it with the OM, not her. I say that because I have done that and all it did was the opposite of what I wanted it to.
I got the same type of responses of he's a cake eater and such. I received so much good advice and information from here. But like a previous post said, you are the only one who knows your wife and your sitch, just because it worked for one person, doesn't mean it will work for another.
So, at the beginning of July, H started talking about reconciling again. Instead of continuing the conversation like I normally would have, I would just say 'ok.' I didn't urge him to end it with her, I didn't beg him to spend more time with me. I just said 'ok.' I let him talk. MIL asked me one time, why are you being so nice to him!? I told her, I've stopped being an enemy and started being his friend. I let him talk. I never brought it up. He would occasionally talk about OW, but not too much. I didn't and still haven't brought her up. The only time she has been mentioned is when he says something about her and it's very brief and it was to give me an update because she was supposedly pregnant.
So at the beginning of July he started talking about reconciling...he has now been back home for almost a month. He left her. Moved back home. Not at my urging. I had nothing to do with it. He just up and informed me one day he was moving home that night.
But it started out just like your sitch now. We started talking on the comp again. Spending more time at family events together. Talking on the phone again. Hanging out at my house. It because physical between us again. Not once did I bring her up tho. It killed me sometimes! It really did! And I still haven't.
So in my particular situation, that is what worked for me. I felt that if he was with me and I brought her up, instead of thinking about me while we were together, he would think about her. That's the last thing I wanted him to do. He still thought about her sometimes I'm sure, but not because of me.
I was fine with 'being the other woman' while he was with her in July because I knew they wouldn't last. Most affairs don't, just like DB says. Of course, the other thing that helped me was that our D was to be final at the beginning of August and I threw my white flag in. I FINALLY stopped trying to fix the relationship and started to fix me. I, like you, lost a bunch of weight, started taking care of myself, started getting ready to go back to school, started really GAL. And I had decided, we only have a little bit more time left 'together', so I'm gonna enjoy that time. I want things to end on good terms with good memories instead of bad ones.
It's funny cuz I was able to fix our home PC and he asked how I was able to do it after our IT friend couldn't. I told him one day he would realize just how good I am!
I'm sorry if I highjacked your thread, that was not my intent. I just didn't know how to tell you about it with out actually TELLING you about it, ya know? You are not alone. You now know that someone else has heard THE SAME EXACT THINGS!!! And I'm fairly certain there are others!!! You can do this. You know your wife. You know the sitch. You will know what to do.
A wise fish once said...Just keep swimming..Just keep swimming!

Oh Jimi...wow, you've got a sad situation. I feel so bad for you.

My own sitch - I am divorced. During my marriage, I had become unfaithful. It never ended up in a sitch like yours...however, since I have been unfaithful in the past, I can see right through all of your wife's words.

I know you don't want to hear this but - the best thing you can do for your marriage right now is to stop "seeing" your wife in a dating sense and to make an ultimatum: OM or me, but you can't have both.

You can still see her and your daugther together for "family dates" as long as you and your W can refrain from any R talk.

But to see your W alone for intimate dates is only going to break your heart in the long run.

I know that right now, it seems like there must be hope, or else why would your W be seeing you?

Well...here is the hardest part to tell you but...it may be that your W is seeing you on the side of her relationship with the OM because they are separated by so many miles and she is sexually frustrated. In other words, you are giving her sex, which the OM cannot do right now, but she would choose him first if he were available.

I don't know that this is true, but I suspect it is.

This does not mean she isn't enjoying the intimacy with you...but it possibly means she is actually "with him" in her mind and heart during the intimacy.

I am telling you this, knowing it will break your heart...but you NEED TO KNOW this so that you don't end up with a worse broken heart later.

You can't keep letting her have cake and eat it too, when that means that YOUR HEART is the thing that (possibly) will be broken and tossed aside in the end. You just can't allow that to happen to yourself. No matter how lovely having dates and sex with your wife is right now...its only going to make it hurt worse later if/when she chooses OM over you.

Now...what will REALLY turn your wife on is for you to make a stand for your marriage...and the way you do that is to refuse to let her use you like that!

Again, I know she does love you and she enjoys your company. I do not mean to minimize the time you two spend together. I do not think she is faking it just to be with you. But I do think that she would not be seeing you at all if her OM were not long distance.

You can also bet money that she has not told her OM that she is "dating" her husband and having sex with him. That would destroy her affair. OM's tend to be yucky individuals (obviously, to prey upon a married woman) and they also tend to end affairs in a yucky way (as in - if he knows about you he will drop her like she's hot).

I am so sorry, and I wish I could tell you "great! You are dating her and having sex! That is progress!" But in your sitch, where there is an active R with an OM, this is NOT progress. It is only disaster (for you) waiting to happen.

DQ

If you think about it, it has gotten to the point where his wife is having an affair on the OM, with her husband, who she's been having the affair on to begin with.

Seriously.

Puppy

Hi all.. and thanks for all the responses to my posts. I am blessed to have people around who understand my situation.

Alot has happened over the last couple of days.

Firstly, my wife invited me around spontaneously the other night and initiated a conversation about the OM. She told me she 'cared about him' but 'not enough to be in a full blown relationship with him' and that she was ending things in her 'own way'. She told me she considered us to be 'working on things' and, from this point, to be 'in a relationship'.

I told her I felt that if she continued to speak to and plan to meet the OM then I couldn't continue with our dating. She said she agreed and to bear with her as things had been deteriorating and she had been deliberately pushing him away for some time.

I let it sit and we spent a great two days together. She told me that 'she loves me'. I haven't heard that in months

Today, whilst at work, she phoned me and explained to me that she had sent a text to the OM telling him that she felt there was 'no point in continuing with their relationship' and that she 'no longer felt the same' about things. He hasn't replied as of yet... but I think he will. I fear that.

Now, this all sounds great. In fact, it IS great. Fantastic. I'm over-joyed. But there are still some things really, really bothering me. Now, I accept this might be down to my own insecurities but I would like to know what everyone here thinks I should do (or just opinions)

Firstly, my wife REFUSES to tell the OM directly that she has decided to work on things with me. Yes, she has 'ended' the affair and has told him she no longer feels the same and does not plan on continuing with their plans BUT says she will not tell him the reason for that is that she is back on working things out with me. She says she feels 'bad on him' because she feels she has 'used him' and that it would hurt him unnecessarily at this point. She says she acknowledges that he WILL find out eventually but she would rather not right now. Is that normal?

Secondly, my wife has a friend abroad whom played a part in sheltering the affair for some time and whom, as a result, I have some trust issues with. Now, although she HAS told several of her friends in this country that she has been seeing me and is now working on things with me she says she is not ready to tell her friend abroad (who knows the OM) that she is back working on things with me. She says part of the reason for that is that this friend would inform the OM and also that she believes this friend would 'lecture her' on her decision (undoubtedly true as this friend has some ill-informed opinions of me... LONG STORY)

I am so happy with how far things have come. We have discussed holidays and even talked about moving back in together in the near future.

Only a while ago she phoned me and the issue of her not informing her friend abroad of the whole situation was raised. I let her know that I felt it would be better she just explain it all to her friend but she became VERY, VERY irritated by that and began to get angry and short-tempered insisting that I 'wanted it all straight away' and hadn't taken into account 'how much she has done in the last two days'. I do have to admit... she has said she fully intends to be with me and work on things. She has sent a text to the OM informing him that she no longer feels the same way and that she feels they should call it all off. She has told me she loves me. The thing is we kind of had an argument and that scared the crap out of me. I dont want to argue... we're supposed to be enjoying things! Still, we ended the call okay and she told me she really did love me and I genuinely needed to stop worrying about the OM. Maybe I am making too big an issue out of things at this point.

I just want to feel secure in our relationship. I just want to feel like we dont have to hide that we are working on things from ANYONE.

She has said she WILL tell her friend in her own time and to stop pushing the issue. She insists that I have nothing to worry about and things will change in the near(ish) future on that particular issue.

I believe her... but part of me, I guess, just wants this all in the open and sealed.

What do you people think?

Thankyou for reading these long-winded posts...

Jimi,

She's lying to you. When are you going to stop allowing her to control the entire situation?

Until she's willing to SHOW you that she's ended all contact with him, and stops lying to everyone around her (you, her friends, OM -- everyone!), you've got nothing, I'm afraid.

I'm sorry.

Puppy

Well... things have reached kind of a stale-mate.

It seems to me that as long as I don't show any insecurities, act 100% confident and happy with the current situation and completely ignore any talk about the OM/past/current 'shadowy' behaviour then my wife is more than happy to see me.

Basically, my wife and I had ANOTHER exchange of words regarding things that bother me since she has ended things with the OM.

I do have definate confirmation that the OM considers the affair over with... but I remain skeptical about my wife's feelings and decision to work on the marriage. Here is why:

1. Although it would be highly beneficial financially and, (in my view) emotionally, my wife refuses to discuss living together and says she 'isnt willing to let go of her independence' and 'likes space'. I, on the other hand, am happy to just be around her and feel that is exactly the kind of thing we need.

2. Although she is saying we are now officially working on things she refuses to tell either the (ex)OM or related friends that she is seeing me etc. She says this is because she feels embarrassed and would get lectured by these individuals (I always told these individuals that she loved me and this was a fling that would never last). She HAS told friends in this country though...

I feel skeptical about her feelings. I wonder how serious she is about working on things.

OK, so let me try to get this: she's more embarrassed by people knowing she's trying to work on her marriage with her husband, than she is about people knowing she was/is carrying on an affair???

Good lord . . .



I can see why.

Puppy

(((Jimi))))
First off, I wanna tell you I relate yet again to your sitch. I think she has received the same manual as my H!!! And secondly, I have to agree with Puppy. Just from my own experience, this is why.
Altho she is wanting to 'end things' with the OM in 'her way', it sounds like she is not 100% committed to you. She's worried things will get right back into the same pattern you were in before she WA. So she's keeping him as an option just in case. It sucks to hear that I know, but that came straight from the horse's mouth.
But there's still hope. Continue DBing. Let her bring up the conversations. Reconfirm what you've already said to her, but don't get pushy with it. I felt that in my own sitch, when H brought up the OW, it was like he was pushing me to get a reaction. So in a way, it was like he was wanting me to blow up so that he would be right. We would continue fighting and such. And that was the only thing we fought about, was HER!!
So when she brings the OM up, reconfirm what you've already told her and that's it. End of discussion. Like Puppy said, stop letting her control the sitch. It's no longer her's to control. YOU decide when to end the conversation about him. You know the outcome from previous conversations. So it's time for you to change the outcome by changing your reaction.
When she's 100%, she won't care who knows. She may not flaunt it, but she won't hide it either.

I've been thinking about things and I think maybe there's a something that I haven't mentioned which might also be affecting how things are moving between my wife and I.

Just folllowing the big split... after several weeks of begging, pleading, etc I basically gave up all hope of reconciliation with my wife. At around this time I became involved with somebody else. This relationship was unstable and did not last at all... but my wife knows about it.

Maybe this has had some affect on her.

Anyway... we met again yesterday and we had a nice night. Going to see her tomorrow.

I feel very much as though things are positive between us. That said, I do think that she may be secretly reviewing her decision to end her affair. I'm not convinced she would start up the affair again.. but something tells me there is unfinished business between her and the OM.

I dont know.

I mentioned transparency to her yesterday and she responded by admitting that any relationship is based on trust and there cant be secrets between people. I feel she might address these things soon. I think I just have to be patient for a little while longer.