Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis My Heart is Breaking #7

My uncle divorced his first wife and left her with the three kids due to an affair.

One week before the wedding to the ow, he came back to my aunt and asked if she would take him back. She told him NO!

He did marry ow but you could tell he was never happy.

He did admit to my cousins (not his own kids) that the worst mistake of his life and the one he regretted was cheating on his first wife and doing what he did.

Thank you both for posting to me.

This is just so hard!!! I get this empty sickening feeling everytime I think about him being M. It was bad enough thinking about him being with OW & now he M'd her! My deal is he didn't know her until he moved out there. I just don't get it. I'm pretty sure they only saw each other those 3 or 4 days on the boat for that scuba diving trip & then as far as I know they emailed, talked on the phone & texted each other from end of June 2007 until Sept. 6, 2007 when he told me he wanted a D. I was only out of town 2 weekends without him during that whole time so she could have come here or him there. But he called me all the time while I was gone so I don't know for sure. Then she came here one weekend in Sept. & he saw her once a month weekend only except for Xmas & Thanksgiving, he stayed longer. Then moved out there full time in March 2008. It just doesn't make sense to me how you could know someone in that short of time & know that you want to marry them. After his 1st M & we met he didn't want to rush it b/c he didn't want to make another mistake.

I did forget to tell you something that my SIL told me, OW had a fancy little car but had to get rid of it & lease something less expensive. So, not sure if that was before the wedding or after & I don't know when my xH figured out she didn't have the money she pretended to have. My SIL told me last fall that my XH had told them that she had a lot of money & they were going to buy houses, fix them up & sell them. My SIL said they can't afford to buy a house, they are renting now.

Sorry to vent & sorry if I keep repeating myself, I'm just in such disbelief.

Thank you all for listening & being there!!! Is there a magic lamp or something that can tell us what is going to happen?? I guess we don't need to know.

Hi nlt,
I hope that you feel a bit better today. Take care of yourself.(((HUGS)))

Dear Nit, Please listen



Without a magic lamp or crystal ball I can tell you what is going to happen if you persist in listening to what other people tell you about your x, and worrying and going over and over the fact that he doesn't know her.

YOU will be ILL!,your life will be full of tears and pain and continued heartache. Will it bother you x and his wife NO, it wil give him ammunition to say no wonder we broke up,or similar words.

Tell me how does it help you to think that your x thought his new wife had money and now she doesn't? It tells me he is a sad greedy man if that is why he dumped you to be with someone he thought had money-can we say gold digger.
So now she has no money and she is still his wife-just how does it help you to know that?
Others can tell you of such and such a man who left his wife, m another was miserable and went back to wife number 1,2 or 3.
Others can tell you stories like my parents who married after 3 weeks of courtship, 3 months apart then they m and were married for over 40 years! How does it help.
You are going to have to detach BIG TIME.
NO it doesn't make sense to YOU but it may do to them. Lots of things in life make no sense, life is not fair.
You realy don't know how often they saw each other,they could have met up lunchtimes when she was here,he could have seen her on business trips. The point is IT DOES NOT MATTER.
Please I am sorry to be harsh sounding but you are obsessing,I know cos I was you. It made me very ill, it almost cost me my life.
I think you have no children to this man so there is nothing to keep you attached.
Please try and be realistic, keep your love,your memories but please do not torture yourself over how little they know each other. You are divorced.He married another woman.Will it last, does it matter? Would you want him back as he is?

Have you any hobbies or groups you belong to,girlfriends to go out with. Keep busy and try to stop letting him still control your life.

You deserve so much more.
I am worried about you,have you seen a Doctor recently?
(((((()))))))

Hi True,

Yes, I am feeling some better today. Thank you. I still get that sickening feeling but I'm trying to cope.

Thanks for checking on me!!

(((HUGS)))

Hi naej,

Thank you! I'm trying to detach but I'm just not sure how. Any advice on that???

I was pretty busy today working on one of my clients books. I found out that the job I interviewed for is between me & one other person. I think, it is going to be hard b/c H & I had lunch every day when I was working but I'm going to have to do something different. My everyday was with or about him & I together so it's just really hard.

In my mind I cannot see my life without him, I can't imagine me not ever seeing him again. No, I don't want him like he is now but I want the man I had before MLC. I don't think money is what drove him to her, he was in a funk with MLC & she came along at the momment when he needed something different.

I just miss the man I married & can't imagine being with anyone else. I don't have any brothers or sisters, the only one I was close to & we were like sisters died suddenly at age 47, I believe that is what triggered the MLC for my H back in 2004.

My dogs are my comfort right now. I dread going back to work & leaving them all day but I know I have to.

I know why the OW or my XH sent me that email, he told my SIL that I would loose the house. He doesn't think I can get a loan without him or without having a job. My credit rating is better than his & I got a loan without anyone being a co-signer. He wants me to loose the house & have to sell it but I'm not going to. He also knows I'm better with money than he is & if it wasn't for me he would have gone bankrupt when we first met & married.

I'm just going to need some time to deal with this. I'm starting to clean out some closets that still has some of his stuff in there. Bowling ball, I'm know there are some coats in the closet too. In the attic his winter clothes are up there, I found them the other day. I'm just going to stick everything in the attic & then maybe one day I'll give it to goodwill or have a yard sale. I guess I'm just not quite ready to get rid of the things he left here.

Thank you so much for your concern!!! It's just really new for me right now.

(((HUGS)))

Hi Nit,glad you are keeping busy with work. I think when you are spending less time alone and back in the work place it will help.
I think you gave yourself the answer about detaching when you said about doing something different.

I think the reality of the situation ie your divorce papers and your xh's new marriage will also help with detaching,when you take off those rose coloures specs! thats a hard one I struggled with seeing the reality from my idea of what was reality.

Good to remove all x's belongings-just put them out of sight for now. Too early to completely throw them out. Although if he hasn't taken them in over a year I guess he doesn't want them.
I had my h as family also his parents and sister were my family, I had none so I understand but you will make a new life without him. YOU will.Being a whole and happy with you is the key step and not thinking your happiness depends on another person.


Not sure why the email
" He wants me to loose the house & have to sell it "

WHY? Is it because you have to give him half from the proceeds? otherwise I can not understand that thinking because if he just wants you to loose the house again I ask why do you waste your tears on this man.
Please don't to much store by thinking he is in MLC, it really doesn't help now.

I am glad you have the dogs mine was and still is my greatest comfort and I know he is nearing the end now but I will cherish his unconditional love for me always.
Do you belong to a support group? it may be worth looking around for one, or an activity group-not a dating group.
Hope you get the job,being busy really helps.

One foot in front of the other,less time alone and being proactive in putting this c*** behind you. You can do this. You are a strong person,dig deep find the person you once were.
hugs

Nit I just found this on another thread but it was writen by Mishka in her reply to someone about detaching. I hope it helps

((((((nlt))))))

Are you 100% sure that they are really married and this isn't just some manipulative game the OW is playing?
Have you checked to see if a Marriage license was actually filed?

The only reason I am asking is because many of these OW are so insecure about the LBS and will do just about anything to get her out of the picture.

I have personally heard so much BS spout out of the mouth of OW that it had me spinning and totally out of control. I ended up having a total breakdown. I didn't know what to believe and who was telling me the truth anymore.

They are very convincing manipulators, which is why we are all advised not to allow them to have any control in our lives. Not to talk to them or email them. They are leeches who suck the life out of a Marriage.

My Husband also moved 3000 miles away to be with her. No, they didn't get married, but it was a very heartwrenching time in my life. They eventually ended their relationship because she told my Husband that I made things too difficult.

And I was blamed for the demise of their relationship, which I of course was thrilled about.

You have to allow yourself to grieve. It takes time, and lots of tears, but you will get there. Don't try to rush the process, there are various stages you have to pass through to get to the other side.

You are suffering a terrible loss but you will come out of it. Fortunately you will have a clear conscience and will become stronger and better for it. Your Husband however will eventually see the error if his ways, in time. He will have to live with the consequences, not you.

NLT, just keep posting here, vent, yell, scream, cry, do whatever you need to do. Many people have been where you are and are here to hold your hand.

(((((((hugs)))))))

BND
X

You are in my prayers.

Hi naej,

I struggle with the reality that they got married & the divorce papers. H & I were the one couple that were most likely to succeed, we were so close & so much in love.

He was in the house with me until Feb.2nd & then moved his things out in April, so it hasn't been that long since he left his stuff here.

When we went thru mediation in March he was really angry that I got the house & alimony. In the beginning he wanted to sell the house & split it 50/50. After I found out about OW I decided to go after the house, plus I have these 2 dogs & it's not safe for a woman to walk dogs at night by herself around here, anywhere for that matter. So, he was mad about me getting the house, he had done a lot of remodeling on it & said he didn't do all this hard work just to give it to me. If I'm made to sell the house I will get the proceeds from it he was just mad & told my SIL that I would loose it. He thinks that I wouldn't be able to make the payments or get it refinanced without me working full time. Yes, he can be spiteful at times, he has never been like this so I think the OW is adding to it. After her sending me the "thank you for my Husband & not sueing her" email that tells me she is spiteful & will do anything to hurt anyone. He is not like that or wasn't.

My dogs are a comfort, my oldest is 14 & going to the holistic vet, I just can't loose her right now so she is happy & comfortable I want her around as long as possible.

Thank you for the support! I try not to think about it but we had such a good time together & loved each other so much it's just hard to see this.

(((HUGS)))