I feel for your situation so much, because I know the tremendous effort that you have put into repairing your marriage, and sex life in particular. It all sounds very one sided (with you doing all the work) at the moment.
I have a thought that I would like you to consider. Keep in mind that it's just my thought, so take it with ample salt. What I'm wondering is: have you perhaps been doing too much of the pursuing of late?
In The SSM, Michele talks about a see-saw effect where if one partner takes on the role of sexual pursuer too much, the other partner backs off and no longer initiates. I think there is also a 'natural' (if you want to call it that) masculine/feminine dynamic that you may be upsetting as well, in that the man is most naturally the enticed, the pursuer, and (if he's lucky) the conquerer, while the woman is most naturally the enticer, the pursued, and then the conquered. It's a pattern that enhances his masculinity, her femininity, and is a game that should never stop, even long after marriage.
So what would happen if you were to back off a notch or two, and give him some space to pursue you? This would allow him to fall into his natural masculine role, and to court and seduce YOU for a change. You can either entice or even play it a bit coy (whatever suits the situation), but either way, you're still available for him sexually.
What brought this to mind was that in Poet's thread, you mentioned how "going dark" worked very effectively for you in bringing his attention back to you in the past. In a sense, I'm wondering if doing a bit this in the sexual arena might work for you. He sounds like he's taking your frequent sexual overtures now far too much for granted, and is even being rather derogatory about them.
On the other hand, I know that you're afraid that if you back off even just a little, he'll point to it and say "See, I knew you were just faking your increased sexual interest and are now reverting back to your old self again...." This would be foolish of him in the extreme, but he's not being very wise at the moment to begin with. It's your call as to what the situation now calls for.
Some food for thought.
-- B.
I almost missed this...
Thank you B~
I am trying too hard and pursuing to much. You all are exactly right. He is also almost derragotory about it.
I am so blessed to have you all really. I cant thank you enough for reading between the lines. I have for a few days just been acting available and sexy. { thanks FIB} It is working. and then he initiates. I want him to be the Man again for sure. I like to initiate but it is so much more "hot" when he seduces me. IMO~
Last nite after I made seductive comment and kissed him on his neck and he ingorned me cause he was playing our D10s video game again. * eyes rolling.
And he said hey ? I though you said you were going to x and then y and then z ? What happened?
I replied.. I wanted to but you ignored me.
H~
I ignore YOU ?
as if to say I am the one doing the ignoring?
Anyway thanks hon.... awesome food for thought. You are the best. ~Ali
A man wants to feel desired.He wants to feel like he 'pushed all the right buttons'. He wants to feel satisfied but also that his W was satisfied. He wants to initiate but also likes to be to be ravaged as well. It IS a balance.FIB..
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Ali, The more I read your sitch the more like mine (in the past) it sounds. I remember too well the thoughts about the OWs. When I found out about what I thought was the first one I asked H lots of questions and he answered me. I even went to her own home and confronted her. It felt good BUT it ultimately only made things worse for me. She was literally a ghost at my side for weeks. She sat in the car next to me on my way to work, she lay between us in our bed. It was horrible. I did eventually 'exorcise' her (apart from times like this when I recall what happened). It was something quite bizarre but it worked for me. H and I played badminton for a few weeks on the trot. He has always been very competitive and never even let our children 'win' at board games when they were little. So as you can imagine the badminton was hard work and very energetic. One time that we went I was determined to beat him. I decided that the only way I could do that was to pretend that the shuttlecock was something/somebody I didn't like. I was experiencing all the thoughts you posted about how you feel about H at the moment and his As but I had made a committment to stay in the M and work things out. I never go back on a committment and so I knew I couldn't imagine that it was H that I was hitting. So it had to be that OWs head. Every time I hit that shuttlecock I imagined I was slamming my racket into her head. I have never hit anything so hard so many times in all my life. I won the game of badminton quite convincingly. H was astonished. I owned up and told him where I had got the mental strength from and he was horrified. Not horrified that I had such an imagination but horrified to find that I had been hurt so badly by his actions. I guess at that point he did still love me deep down. Now for him it is long forgotten. Me... well I think my post says it all (even though it is rambling).
A few thoughts on the ring thing. My H couldn't wear his ring for about 6 months due to a broken finger (from being kicked during a karate lesson). Even after his finger healed he seemed very reluctant to put it back on. He kept saying he forgot or that it irritated him after so long of not being able to wear it. I can't prove it but looking back this is probably when his As first started (as I found out that his first one was with a woman at the gym and not the one I described above). He always took his ring off at the gym anyway saying that the weight lifting bars cut into his finger if he left it on. I often remarked when he came home 'where is your ring' and he pulled it out of his wallet and put it back on. During his 'reluctant' phase I asked him how he would feel if I took my ring off. He saw that as me stirring up an arguement and refused to answer. So I called his bluff and removed it for a few days until he put his back on. He later told me that this really worried him and made him realise just how bad it made me feel when he wouldn't wear his.
H hasn't worn his ring since 15th January 2006. He'd left again by then but up until then had been wearing it at least when he came to the house. This time when I pulled him up on it he said it was in his bedroom at BILs (where he was temporarily living). He had come to watch my son play rugby and he could barely stay awake. He had arrived very late that morning for son (which at the time wasn't like him). I knew he had been out the night before b/c I had invited him round for something to eat as the kids were all out doing something and he declined telling me he already had plans. A week later I found out about current OW (my SIL confirmed my suspicions when I tackled her). I put two and two together and realised that this was the first time he had taken OW out and the reason he couldn't stay awake was b/c he had been up all night f**king her. He has never put it back on again and he has never been out of the grasp of that evil woman since. I have asked him for it back but have never received it. I suspect that is b/c he has sold it (probably to buy her engagement ring) but again I can't prove it.
A long winded way to say RINGS MATTER.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
I am tired and I feel so defeated. I know I will be ok but it feels like I have been swimming upstream for 2 years and I am tired of swimming.
Nothing makes him happy. I cant control him and yet I am frustrated that he cant see he is not supposed to treat me like sh*t. That if he really loves me he is supposed to hold me when he feels sad not push me away... THAT I WILL BE THERE FOR HIM.
He woke up in a mood and said F*ck you to me right away and wow isnt hat a greeting for Sunday morning? I feel like giving up, like making my escape to be honest. He started drinking right away and getting lost in his depression. FOO issues?
And I get used for the feelings?! I get thrown in thr mix for I am right here and wiling to take it cause I love him? BEAR~ I think of you every time I talk in extremes .. I am not trying to be so black and white hot and cold but it hurts and it hurts again just like it was yesterday....
Maybe he thinks the same thing maybe he is planning his escape but he loves me some and doesnt want to hurt me?
Extremes it seems it is all he knows and all I am used to this with him.... I feel so embarrassed that this still cant be great. It was for awhile and now it is back to how it used to be before the bomb. He just left after I made him breakfast... with the crew. They get all of him and we get the misery... He didnt even say where he was going.
FIB~ I am stopping... I will be me ... A Woamn who gives but I will not try so hard anymore.
I think he is testing me ..DO YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN foo?
I DO BUT I AM TIRED OF BEING TESTED I AM HUMAN TOO.
I HAVE NEEDS TO AND I AM MARRIED NOT SINGLE I AM SUPPOSED TO HAVE A PARTNER WHO AT LEAST TRIES TO SEE I AM HUMAN TOO. I FEEL SO OVERWHELMED... I DONT WANT TO BE A waw~ I dont want to plan my escape secretly like I did with with first H.
The pain just wells up in me and with nmo warning I feel like running , running away from loving someone who doesnt love himself. Sorry guys I am not trying to soumd nuts but I feel like it right now.
I know I have blessings but right now they are not in my mkind all I feel is anger and frustation and pain....
He started drinking this morning ... he even stayed howm last nite didnt go out?
I am now drinking some and I hate to admit it but I am Human and I feel so tense and I have had 2 drinks already...
I dont want to feel this, I want to be happy. I know I cant be happy all the time... But I have paid my dues. I am starting to think he likes to be depressed for this had been something he fights for years. He was on meds for a whole week. Anti depressant and anxiety and he seewsm to revel in the pain.
Sorry everyone I feel so ugly and need to be honest... He is acting like I am nothing and it hurts.
I know I can only control me but it gets hard to pull yourself up alone all the time ... we are supposed to be together in this not alone...
You're riding HIS roller coaster, hon, and it's getting you down right along with him. Step off that ride as much as you can -- it's an unhealthy one right now!
Go back to your old DB techniques, Ali:
(1) Focus on YOU, and making yourself as happy as possible. (2) Formulate a GAL plan and follow it. (3) Present your husband with an independent, self-assured, self-contained wife. (4) Support your husband, but DO NOT bite when he baits you. Ali. He's looking for a fight right now -- DON'T LET HIM DRAG YOU INTO IT! He wants to unconsciously place you in the role of an enemy that he can strike out against -- don't permit him to place you into that role.
You know the drill! You've been here before.
Detach and focus on yourself for a while. Take care of Alimari first and foremost!
-- B.
Last edited by Bagheera; 08/10/0808:27 PM.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
I am going to try for sure. I promise... thank you are the best. You are a blessing to me , to see what I am doing and I am blind to it. God bless you... ~Ali
