Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis My Heart is Breaking #7

nlt,
Yup, I've been on both of those ADs. I'm on my seventh AD in about 4 years total of taking them, so I've tried almost everything! I know there's not much that can entirely take away the pain of what you're going through now, but please, please find a doctor to discuss your situation with. Ask around and find a good psych if you don't have one already--I've had two, and they were totally different--the one I have now comes highly recommended, and I feel much more confident in his abilities than I did with the first one, who I got because I needed someone who could see me immediately because I was seriously suicidal (this was right after 1st bomb). Your GP may be able to help you too.

I think you said you are taking your dog to a holistic vet? Not sure, maybe that was someone else. Regardless, if you want to go to an alternative medicine practitioner, fine, just do it. These people pay big bucks to be trained to help people (ideally, at least); take advantage of their expertise and let them help you. This is too hard a thing to go through without some kind of help, whether chemical or social or "alternative medicine" or whatever. The "stiff upper lip" has its place, but this ain't it. Get whatever help you need. You won't be penalized for it.

Forget H for now, to the best of your ability. I know, it's nearly impossible, but do your best. Focus on you, not on him. This is going to be incredibly tough for a while, but you are strong, and you will eventually come out the other side. Right now, do what you need to do for your own well-being. Write a gratitude list of five things a day (even as small as having socks that match!), spend time in nature, see friends, watch a favorite movie, play with your dogs--whatever makes you happy. Think of yourself as a child who is currently not well, and pamper her with things/experiences that will make her feel better. See your pastor/spiritual adviser--they're there to help you too.

If you have any helpful friends or relatives, now would be the time to ask for their help. If you can let someone else be the adult and take care of you while you heal, that's good; if not, then you need to put on your adult hat periodically and figure out how to take care of and nurture yourself. I'm not telling you this because I think you don't already know it; I'm telling you because sometimes it's hard for us (especially women) to take care of ourselves, or let someone else take care of us, because we have such a tendency to try to take care of everyone else. Well, it's your turn now. Give yourself permission. If it helps to think of yourself as a child who needs pampering and care, do so.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Peace,
Dawn

WOW! You did have a rough M the first time around. You definitely deserved much better than he was.

My H was like your 2nd, so loving & caring. He would take such good care of me when I was sick, everything I ever wanted in a man. I'm like you, I still believe he is all of what he was but he has gotten off track & lost his way.

My H believed in God, I know several times I saw him turn to God when he was troubled. I really think he was turning to God right before he met this OW. I could see it in his eyes when we were at church & he would make comments about how good the sermon was, he didn't usually do that. Then he went on this scuba diving trip & there she was & he ran the other way.

I'm asking God to help me, I'm not really angry at my H I'm just so hurt & miss him so bad.

Hi Dawn,

Well I guess the AD's are helping me some. I don't cry like I did when all this first happened. I couldn't stop, when I first heard about him getting remarried I cried for about 2 days, now I'm just down.

One C I went to earlier this year just didn't seem to help me, in fact she said that his R with OW would not last but he wouldn't come back to me either. I'm not sure what or why she said that. She gave me bad vibes so I didn't go back. At that time I needed positive not neg. I'm going to try to find another C. There is a pastor, he is from another church & in another state but in the same order that I am & he has been thru this before. His first wife left him for another woman & his 2nd wife has been thru it also. They told me to call them anytime or email them. I just haven't felt like talking to anyone lately. I have a couple of friends who are calling & checking on me but I just don't want to talk right now.

Yes, I am the one taking my dog to a holistic vet.

I'm trying to forget my H, it's just really hard. I'm in the same house that he remodeled & everything just reminds me of him. I can't really afford to move & I really don't want to right now. A lot of his stuff is still here also. He just forgot some of it. We have so many memories together, trips we taken, things we did. How could he just forget that??? And, how could he marry someone so quickly?? Especially not knowing here either!! We waited 3 years & his first marriage was a bad one, we had a good marriage. His 1st wife was a verbal abuser but he treated me so much worse that he did her after he told me he wanted a D. I didn't do anything to him.

I want to thank you so much for caring about me & all the advice you are giving me. I will do my best to try some of these things. I stayed in bed a long time this morning, that is not like me although since all of this has happened I find myself doing that more.

Thank you so much for helping me & also your thoughts & prayers!!!!

(((HUGS)))

Hi nlt,
I hope you will feel better soon. I was just like you and slept a lot after the bomb. But believe me, you will feel better in time. I never thought I would say this but it actually is true.

Althought lately I was down again because H wants a D, I picked myself up faster than before. I was doing so many things and met a few friends this week. I was trying very hard to go out to forget H. At home it is so difficult. Like you said there are so many memories, and I am also thinking that if we really get D, I am not sure whether I would like to stay in my house.

Anyway, I hope you will have a relaxing week-end. Try to organize something with your friends. (((HUGS)))

Thanks True,

I think this has hit me worse than him wanting a D or just as bad. I just don't understand, as much in love as we were, how could he just pick up & marry someone that he doesn't even know. I'm so confused!

I'm having a really hard day. All I can do is cry right now. I just can't believe as much in love as we were that he could do this & marry so quickly.

I didn't imagine his love for me, it was real!! What happened???

nlt, I responded on my thread. He got deceived.... He probably still loves you, just not admitting it.

Sorry NLT you are going through this. You don't fall out of love like that. His feelings were overshadowed by all that was going on in the m and then ow swoops in when he is at his lowest point.

Your h didn't have the coping skills to dig deep in the m to help fix the problems. Let's see how he copes now.

Hi Nit, sorry you are having a bad day-remember one step at a time, one hour if needs be.
Have you done anything for you to today?
Please try to stop going over and over the past, very hard I know. have you any tactics that you practise at these times.

You loved your husband very much and he loved you but he hasn't got the best track record in that department so you must accept that his depth of love is not the same as yours.That is how, why he is now married to another person.

It hurts so much,but you are hurting yourself more by going over it. Now is not the time to do that. In a little while when you are stronger you will be able to look back and do that.

Now is the time for being kind to you, getting a little stronger each day and beginning to heal.Being kind to yourself and not looking fo answers.
As to wether or not your x was deceived or wether he still loves you is really not helping. How does it help you to think or believe that the man who divorced you and married another woman so quickly, actually loves you still but was somehow tricked into marrying another??? I just cannot work that out.
IMO you need to find a little bit of anger for what he has done and used correctly that will help you take those little steps you need to healing and becoming whole (not anger used to become bitter and stuck)
Hang on Nit as I said before this is very early days. It will get easier and better and you will laugh and love again.

(((((()))))))

nlt:

I highly suggest as I stated on PH's thread that you also visit the Charlyne Cares Q&A. It will help you so much.