Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Completely and utterly devastated--how to cope

ITH,

I think today sounds very positive, but you're starting to backslide in the sense of waiting for a sign from him. I suggest you "have some other things" you need to go take car of and leave when your downloads are done. Discretion really is the better part of valor.

ITH - this all sounds good...just go with the flow...if he is open..you go with it..if he huts down just say ok...and move on. dont react or prod.

also- my H really started first with opening up about work...he started the topic and i just listened and validated when he would say something...i would reflect what he said or just listen and be very attentive.

i think you have said lots of good things- and a little nookie aint so bad!

now do what GH says and maybe head out for a while on u r own- not easy! i know

Ok,

Today was like a 2 steps forward 2 steps back day. I don't think I really lost or gained ground, as there was both very good and pretty bad.

I'm still at the house, but actually not my fault. I left to take a train, but due to flooding there are no trains. Cabs have a 2 hour wait, so I had to come back to the house and wait. H looked stressed, so right away I jumped on this and said I was sorry that it stressed him out to have me in the house. He just said he was hoping for some alone time. Then I kept on, and asked about whether he believed I would now give him the space he needed, or whether this would take time. He said it would take time. I said I understood but wondered if he could tell that I was trying to do this now, and he said yes.Then I asked if the last 2 weeks had been good for him, like something he needed. He said he didn't want to talk about it now as he'd had no alone time today. I said I understood but that he could talk to me whenever he wanted to. Then I kept it from getting worse by going upstairs, leaving him to play video games. I am waiting for my cab now. So that was all pretty bad, but no arguments at least, and every time he said he didn't want to talk, I said I understood. I just feel like it negated the good times earlier. In addition to MLx2, there was talk of where to live in the future etc. This was mostly raised by me, but there weren't the usual we'll sees, there was mild agreement and some mild interest, so it seemed like progress. I guess when we have our next joint counseling session I'll know how he's really feeling...I'm just starting to get so nervous as I'm leaving Friday, and won't be back for 3 weeks, and then will be there for another 7 weeks after. I'd sort of hoped for some kind of indication that things were on track before I left-yes I know patience...so, I guess at least I came out neutral today (or so I think).

ITH

he probably needs some alone time bc he is interested in the moving sitch and all you said. it takes a long time for WAH's to digest info. it may take weeks- or months...so just treat lightly. i think it was god you were physical and you saw eachother...but now is time to really back off and let him contact you.

do you have a set plan to see h im next? if not- let a few days go by...he really needs space to sort through his head. it is very slow and if you dont allow it - things will not change.

you are doing fine- i wouldnt look at this as bad- just tread lightly is all.

im not sure sending the email now is a good idea.

what do you think?

(((ITH)))

OK final update,

I am finally back in my apartment. It got pretty bad there toward the end, but there were the weather circumstances beyond my control. The cab took 3 hours to arrive, and H said he was getting really stressed out with me there. At one point we thought the cab might not arrive until 1 or 2 AM, and he still wanted me to go.

Then he got annoyed by a couple of things I said, which weren't actually leading or controlling, but which he took as such. He was going to go to town with me and meet some friends from work. Then the cab was very late, like 1130 PM, so I said that I assumed he wasn't coming anymore, and he got really mad and asked why I would assume that. I had assumed that because the place he was meant to go closed at 12. He said that he was just so used to me being controlling...So I did make a mistake. I said that at some point he was going to need to be able to spend a day with me as I am his wife. He said he was working on it, just wasn't there yet. I added that I just found it odd, and then he replied that he could pretend if I wanted him to, and I said no of course I wanted him to be honest. This is so hard for me, as he even made reference to some guy at work and how he's the kind of person he can spend the whole day with...so it is only me he can't be around. I am pretty worried as if he can't handle being with me now, and if we are not going to be in the same country, I don't know what will change so that he again feels like he can spend time with me.

So today was full of light future talk, even in the cab ride, and some physical affection, but I still don't really trust it as I have a husband who can't be in the same house with me for more than a few hours without panicking.

Ugh--I see him again on Thursday, when I pack up to go to Poland. We've agreed that I actually will spend the night there, as he is OK with it as long as he knows in advance...to prepare himself I suppose.

So now I'm panicking already about the next 3 weeks, before I come back for the first visit, and even that weekend that I do come back to visit.

Now I don't know if I lost ground today, or whether I'm on the right track. The ending was bad, but again this was mostly because of the weather situation that kept me there longer than he could handle, so he probably isn't holding this against me. At least he got to be honest with me, and I never once cried or got visibly upset. The sex couldn't have hurt things (or so I hope), and I did get the chance to slip in a few things that I would have put in my letter, i.e. that I would love to move somewhere for him, and that I didn't think we would ever have the same fights we used to as I understood my part in them.

OK I'm off to bed now. I will respond to other people's threads tomorrow. I'm just feeling very confused right now so need to try to sleep on everything...

ITH

"He said he was working on it, just wasn't there yet"

GIRLFRIEND! that is huge. he is telling you a) he wants to work on things and b) he needs space :0)
you need to stop all R talks and let him bring it up.
let a good thing be and let him come to you.

i promise you this looks good- but dont push him away or back to where you were...ok!

have a good rest!

Hi Pisces,

Thanks for your words of encouragement. I'm still just not sure as I'm baffled that it stresses him out to be with me, even when we are not fighting, and are getting along. In fact I was in a separate room with the door shut last night when he asked me to check on the cab again as it was stressing him out not to have the alone time. He said he'd "gotten used to being alone", so I just don't fathom how space over the next 2 months can bring us any closer, I just think it will set him in his ways even more! The intentions to make things work may be there, but if he can't be around me, I don't know how it will ever work. I am really, really scared about these next 3 weeks in particular. I guess the good thing is that we have a joint phone session with a DB coach soon, so maybe this will help him to get some good ideas, and will help me understand more of where he's coming from.

OK thanks again! I am going to respond to your post now :).

ITH

Let's talk alien spew





The first one - i's not your fault about the weather. Secondly, you are spot on to say you weren't being leding/controlling.

These are examples of the alien spew that they tend to come out with.Think the character of Regan in The Exorcist .... it's not the REAL them, it helped me a great deal to think my Hhad ben takn over by an alien and hi behaviour was horrid, not him.

How does a LBS deal wit alien spew? Well, it's not pretty so we just go "EWWWW!" and ignore it.

You have a lot of positives here, keep your eye on them. And remember it usallis a case of three steps forward, two back. The WAS likes to hold on to the comfort blanket. Please don't worr about this too much.

PS I see you're ging to Wroclaw - one of the prettiest cities in Poland, I am told. If you get the chance go to Krakow too. I lived in Katowice about 10 years ago (wouldn't recommend visiting there though!). The salt mines are good, and if you can mange it there is also the Auschwitz museum, although be warned it's pretty emotional for obvious reasons.

Hi JJ,

Thanks for posting! So even with all of my pushing at the end (the questions about if I was giving him space, and then me saying it was odd that he couldn't spend the day with me), do you still think it's ok?

For what it's worth, while we were watching a movie on the couch, he was pretty normal with me, like grabbing my nose (he used to do this a lot) and poking me. He also kept pausing the movie to tell me about things. I kept talking about places to live, and even went so far as to ask if he would be interested in me looking into Singapore, and he said sure. He seemed to not be doing this out of guilt, but who knows...

Then he suddenly shut down at 730 PM and went to lie down-my train was meant to come the next hour. So I went into the bedroom to say bye, ML round 2. Then I left but when I came back he was up, so I think he'd just had his fill for the day...

I felt really weird when we left though as he was meeting friends at 12 AM after supposedly needing all this alone time...still, in the car he was friendly.

OK I'm obsessing again. I love your alien analogy. I'll try thinking of it this way. Was tour H like this about the space thing too?

Thanks!
ITH

yes- they are al aliens...look round...most people say when their WAS's come back - that they landed from the mother ship! its so true and it keeps you sane.

believe noting of what he says and half of what he does. this will keep you sane as well!