Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Ready to GAL...Drop the Rope...Detach..2...

Thanks NLT. I already know as much as I need to know now. I didn't need a PI, and won't get one unless this leads to D and my attorney wants one.

As for now, I plan to get the kids up and around sometime before noon and be gone for the day so H can move out. Now that I know what I need to know I know what I need to do. I know H needs to leave. I know he has a decision to make, and I know that if he chooses something other than me and his family, it will be his mistake----something he will regret for the rest of his life. I know that I will also have choices. Will I choose to let him back into my life if that's what he wants? I don't know. He'll have to learn how to tell the truth. I will have to learn to trust him. There will be A LOT of work to do. At this point, I still believe our family deserves it, but I don't know how long I will.

I had a good lunch with friends yesterday, and a good night out last night with another. I've made the decision to keep the information I have now to myself. I've decicded that the fact that there is OW is not something I need my friends to know. I also know should there be a chance down the road, it will be easier if they don't know.

I'm so glad I found this site. I am so glad I have my friends. I am not the person I was even a month ago. I know I can survive.

TCBTE, I just want to say I think you are a very wise woman and I admire how you are choosing to handle this.

Ok - linking my old threads:

My first post:

MLC, total breakdown, or just hell???

My previous post:

Ready to GAL...Drop the Rope...Detach...

Well, he's out of the house. He didn't take much. Some clothes out of the closet. Some out of his dresser. He took no furniture. He didn't even take his pillow---put it back on "our" bed.

He told the kids Thursday night he would be "moving over the weekend." Couldn't bare to tell them "tomorrow." When we got home last night S9 asked if he was home yet. So, I had to tell them he had moved. They didn't ask to call to tell him goodnight. They acted as if it was just another day. He didn't call here to tell them goodnight. Will be interesting to see if he contacts me about going to D11's softball practice this morning, shows up there or no contact.

I've felt strong all week until this reality hit. I tried to stay busy yesterday. The kids and I went to visit my mother. We did some shopping. I could not stop thinking about whether H was moving, and what he was taking. At one point we walked through the linen department at Dillards and I thought---now I can buy some bedding with a floral pattern (H hated to be surrounded by flowers in the bedroom)----and then I lost it. I had to

Well, he's out of the house. He didn't take much. Some clothes out of the closet. Some out of his dresser. He took no furniture. He didn't even take his pillow---put it back on "our" bed.

He told the kids Thursday night he would be "moving over the weekend." Couldn't bare to tell them "tomorrow." When we got home last night S9 asked if he was home yet. So, I had to tell them he had moved. They didn't ask to call to tell him goodnight. They acted as if it was just another day. He didn't call here to tell them goodnight. Will be interesting to see if he contacts me about going to D11's softball practice this morning, shows up there or no contact.

I've felt strong all week until this reality hit. I tried to stay busy yesterday. The kids and I went to visit my mother. We did some shopping. I could not stop thinking about whether H was moving, and what he was taking. At one point we walked through the linen department at Dillards and I thought---now I can buy some bedding with a floral pattern (H hated to be surrounded by flowers in the bedroom)----and then I lost it. I had to tell mom to take the kids and I ran to the car. It was the first time all week it hit me like that. So, I know I'm doing better. I am much stronger than I was in the beginning. So, I hope I can make it through this.

I learned that OW had a troubled marriage before my H. Her H cheated on her----so I guess it was ok to cheat with someone else's H??? At least it looks as if her D didn't happen so she could run off with my H---not that that isn't the plan, but ???

I don't know. I'm here because I'm not sleeping. I hope this is temporary....................

Very rough weekend, di. Hope you managed to get some sleep.

Don't know if I can do this. H asked first thing this morning if he could come over and spend time with D15 and S9 while D11 was at softball practice. I told him that he could see them at practice if he wanted to go. He came. I let him stay after and pitch with D.

He called while we were on the way home and said he wanted to get something for the bagworms in our trees. I didn't know what to say. I just told him that I can take care of what needs to be done here. He said "I know that, but I want to."

I couldn't help myself. I sent e-mail asking him to talk to me about his expecations and plans for the S. We haven't done any of that. He just said he had to move out, and I said ok. I told him that I hoped he cared more about my feelings than the bagworms and would talk to me...............ugg..........no reply. SO, now I'm just sure he's with OW..........

Well, I didn't make it. Soon after writing my last post I left the house to find him. I don't know where he was. He wasn't at his house, he wasn't at his office. He said he was furniture shoppin. I finally reached him by phone. We talked awhile and he agreed to meet and talk in person. He had no "shopping" items in his truck. His choice was to have dinner while we talked. We sat there and talked awhile and I realized his left hand was under the table. I asked if I could hold it. He had taken his wedding band off. He made excuses. He said that he noticed many times that I didn't wear mine and it made him mad. He mentioned a recent softball tournament that we went to that I didn't wear it. I told him that I had forgotten it at home that time. I even mentioned that I couldn't believe I forgot it---he said he thought I just said that because I was driving and he would notice I didn't have my ring on. I told him that if it made him so angry why did he not take his off until he moved out? Of course my gut says he takes it off when he goes to see OW and didn't have time to put it back on before he met me. Which I guess its good that he doesn't have the nerve to be with her with his ring on. I don't know. He aplogized and said he would put it back on. I told him the truth---that many times I haven't had mine on because after taking it off to do work in the kitchen I often can't get it back on-----since I've gained all this weight "dealing" with THIS. He apologized for assuming. But then, I've made it extremely clear where I stand in all of this, and there is no way I'm going to let him blame the fact that he took his ring off when he moved out on me. It makes me angry, and very sad.

I gave him many opportunities to tell me. He didn't. I could see him searching when he looked at me. He is empty. I could see that when I looked at him.

I still don't know what the separation is going to be like, I don't know how to do this. I wish I hadn't forced the meeting---because now I have the vision of him without his ring on in my head. But, this is how we get through it all................ or at least I do..............make the mistake, regret it, learn from it, do a little better................

Hi di-
I just wanted to give you a quick post...I have been so busy and will be again today.

I can only imagine how rough things have been for you...but even though it is incredibly hard, you still have to stop pushing things...it only hurts you and it will give your H more justification for whatever he does.
Now you have more of these kinds of thoughts swirling around in your H and it hurts. IMO, you need to detach a lot more. Give him his space and try not question what he does. You have let him know you love him time and time again but it doesn't work. Remember if something doesn't work, try something else.

Whenever I used to feel myself start to get worked up about things I would just take a deep breath and repeat "Let it go" over and over again. Most (not all) of the time it helped me stop from picking up the phone or doing something else I would later regret...and each time I didn't react, I would feel a little stronger...a little more in control. Try it and if it doesn't work, find something else that does work for you.

Got to run. I will check back in with you soon.

(((HUGS)))

Upside

Di....upside is right....

I've done the exact things you are doing...seriously...you are like 6 months right behind me....I could almost tell you what to expect....and that is NOTHING!!!

They do NOT care about how we are or what we are doing right now....I kept pushing and pushing until the one day he said. "I'm not coming home, get it through your head and move on"....that's what I remember....my H never wore his wedding ring and I used to where it on my thumb.....it was too small for him...

There was one time on Valentines Day that I wanted to get him a new band....I told him and presented the idea...I was so excited to tell him and he just made me feel like crap...he just kept saying he didn't need one he knew he was married....guess not....that day crushed me and I never said anything after that...

I wonder if my H notices that I don't wear mine all the time because of the heat and my fingers swell....or if he notices when I wear it....hmmmmm.......don't know.....good question...

Di....breathe.....don't call him...don't look for him...I did it...take it from me it's not worth it....it just pushes them further away....and this crap takes longer....

and lastly....this is the hardest of all....I struggle with it every day but everyone on here is so right....the OW is NOTHING compared to you....don't give her space in your brain....easier said than done......

((((hugs))))