Hey T, here are some thoughts, but, I think that overall you did a great job.
She went off on you. So what. You didn't know she wasn't going to be there and S didn't tell you. Mentioning that all she had to do was call was good. She blasted you for not telling her where you were going?? So what. You don't have to check in all the time, but, I ran into trouble with this one because W calls to talk to the kids every night. One Sunday night, she couldn't get in touch with me because I was ignoring her calls and when she called the house, no one answered because they didn't hear the phone. So, her fear started running away and when I finally talked to her and told her that the kids were home with my Sister and that I was out with friends, she blew her stack. That said, I think it was a good thing overall. It lets her know that I'm not sitting home with no life while she is up in the mountains with friends and not telling me about where she is going or what she is doing. How did I know? I snoop. It's a bad habit.
The e-mail apologizing for her mood. I wouldn't do that. It may be an artifact from my past pattern of apologizing for everything. Perhaps an e-mail saying just that you didn't know that she wouldn't be there and that she sounds pretty stressed.
However, she called back and apologized which is good. I wouldn't have brought up how you felt ignored, but, instead just say that you didn't realize you were coming off badly in e-mail and that you would work on it. Offering the massage was OK. Reiterating that it was available any time was I think a little too much.
Overall T, I think that you did very well and it looks like your W is maybe not quite as gone as you first thought.
I dont know what it is about the last 10 days or so..but I have missed my W more during this time than since she left.
I went to a concert last night and there were some emotional songs that really set me off. All I could think about was her. I sent her a txt letting her know I wish she was with me. She never replied. I think in these scenarios the LBS is always trying to spin everything in a positive light. I'm sure that's what I am doing all the time. I somehow believe a non reply is a good one. As I mentioned earlier, she had the opportunity to reply 'I'm sorry' or something to that effect. I probably shouldnt have sent it. She didnt know where I was. I really wish she was with me.
I have been reading a lot on this site about many situations that have reconciled. Seems after a certain period of time, one spouse comes to an awakening of some sort. What creates the awakening? I'm sure thats everyones million dollar question.
Reading about these WAS realizing their mistakes gives me hope. Im not as optimistic just simply because my w and I dont really interact right now. I feel like the clock is ticking faster and faster. It's been almost 1 yr since the bomb and she certainly hasnt wavered too much on her decision. She had one period when she wanted to work on it and several other moments when she said she was doing a lot of thinking. I wish I had more hope to build on.
Hey T, how are you doing today? Yes, the LBS will for a time spin everything in a positive light. I did it.
Did you go to the concert by yourself? I caught up with some of your history and the reason that I ask about the concert is that it seems like you aren't very social. In fact, your sitch reminds me of mine in ways. When we met W was a social butterfly and I was a troll that lived under the bridge. I assumed I could piggy back onto her social circle. It didn't work out that way and a couple of years later, we had no social life. Now, she is out of the house and again a social butterfly. I have the kids and trust me, I know how much harder that makes it to be social. BUT, I can't imagine my W coming back unless I grow to be as social as she is. She is not going to come back to a R with no social life, ever. I asked about the concert because from what I've read, your social calendar seems to be about as empty as it was a year ago. I want you to try on an idea. Consider that if you never had much of a social life, then your W was your social outlet. When W leaves, at some level, she knows that she has power over you because she ran off with your social outlet. If you grow and develop a thriving social network of your own, that shows that you are going to be OK without her and takes your power back. Over time, it will also show that you've changed and if she came back, she wouldn't have to leave behind the fun of having a thriving social circle. Don't misunderstand, I haven't accomplished this yet, but, I do believe that it is essential if there is any hope of us building an awesome new M.
I actually went to the concert with some friends. All couples. My social life is decently busy, though it will never be what my W's is. She revolves through a large group a friends. Theres something to the 'newness' of connections with her. After a couple months, she will move that friend out of her close circle and insert another one. I was the only person in her life that wasnt rotated out, until now. I agree with you on the social aspect and differences between us. I am comfortable with a small group of close friends and she likes a large group of friends, though not all are close to her.
I have been decently busy socially, but how would she know? she has no idea I was at that concert or doesnt know any of the other social activies I am at. I am much more active with my friends than I used to be, but I do agree with you. Just dont know how she would recognize it if when I'm really social, I'm without my kids.
I thought that the 2 of you were sharing time with the kids. So, next time you swap kids, mention the concert. Or, tell the kids about the concert when Mom is standing there.
I understand that it's pretty darned difficult for the DB techniques to effect change in her with such limited contact. However, I imagine that it is possible for the change to be pronounced enough to be intriguing when you get together for mediation. By the way, based on some advice in your first thread, I would still stall on setting a date for that. I think MWD wrote in DB that people have been in mediation and the work that they did there helped them to decide not to divorce and to work things out. Additionally, I know that I've changed significantly enough that even my W and I had barely any contact for months, when we got together for an extended period of time, it would shock her.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that it might be helpful if you also have a social circle that isn't composed of couples. Couples even if they don't have kids in my experience don't engage in the same kinds of activities as single people do. It sounds like your W is engage in more single person type activities though that may just be my impression or channeling from my W. However, it is only a thought.
I don't know jack, but, maybe some of my mad ramblings will be helpful.
I know my W is hanging out more with the single group, just because our married friends arent totally in agreement with her partying motives and it's not their lifestyle at this point in their lives. I havent transformed back into my college frame or state of mind and I still like my married friends. I really dont have any desire for a girlfriend right now as that is a barrier to my ultimate goal.
As for mediation, we went through a mediation for some parenting time with the kids. She wanted the kids over the winter holidays. She wouldnt budge or accept any proposals I offered, so we went to mediation. We were in different rooms, so she never interacted with me. She ended up settling on a weaker proposal for her than I had offered earlier. In fact, I made a proposal to the mediator and said I'd take either side of the offer, that's how fair I believed it was. After mediation, she got in the elevator with me and her lawyer. She acted as if I was a total stranger. She later apologized, but I let her know how rude I thought she was for doing that.
So, I dont anticipate we will be spending any time together in mediation. I do think she will hear about the concert through our mutual friends. The other thing I can do is have a few parties at my house. One of her best friends who dumped her husband moved in right behind my fence. I think she was a terrible influence on my W and has made her feel that doing what she is doing is absolutely the right thing to do. Misery loves company. So, I guess that's one way to show her that my social life is blossoming by having a few wild parties.
I txt my W early this morning...."Good morning". She replied with a "how did you know I was awake?". She is 3hrs from here so she can't believe I'm spying on her. I replied with "karma". She said it wasn't karma and thought it was strange that I knew she was up. I just said I believed it was.
She called me a bit later about some stuff with the kids. We had a nice cordial conversation. We haven't had one of those for awhile.
Would it be bad to txt her that I love her and miss her? She is spending a couple days with a woman and her kids. This lady likes me and is pulling for us. Wondering if a txt like that would promote some positive conversation between them about us?
I think it might be pushing it a bit to text the ILY right now. I say be happy with the cordial conversation. I had tried all kinds of letters and ILY's before with my W, and when they have that alien WAW probe embedded in them, it does nothing but push them further away.
You already sent her the "I miss you" text a few days ago. I am certain she knows your feelings towards her. Any more is just going to seem like pursuing or making her feel guilty. Try to put yourself in her shoes and see that she does not need those sort of words from you now.
If your M is going to have any sort of chance of being saved, your W is going to want to come back on her own - not be compelled by guilt or pleading to come back. If and when that day comes that she has an awakening, there really is not much for you to do other than live your own life for you and the kids. This is how you want her back - her initiating the desire to come back. What are the chances of her awakening and realizing your M is worth saving - not good based upon what I have seen here with others. However, there are those that seemed lost causes that miraculously were turned around. In most of those cases it was the WAS that initiated the path back to restoring the M.
