Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? I moved out to give him space

I'm so irratated today.

I called H to talk about paying our cell phone bill and to get a more solid answer about the taxes since I am not going to be paying them all alone. He refuses to answer my calls and has not called me back since I left the voicemail on his phone. I need to get this stuff figured out but it is hard to do when I am getting little to no cooperation from him. Why can't he just grow up?

I am still in limbo as to what to do about the legal side of this predicament. I have Wednesday off and could go and talk to someone at legal aid. . .I just don't know. I wish I felt 100% sure about something. Anything.

Hi Daisy,

You are not the only one who is calling their spouses regarding money issues that they "have to" talk to them about. You are pursuing and now he's running. Figure out money issues and everything yourself. Your job right now is to be the one HE can't track down.

Tink

P.S. My computer is in a deep sleep because of spyware and have a friend coming over today to hopefully fix it (it may take longer). I'm at the library right now on a timed computer so if I don't get back to you for a while you'll know why.

Good news is that the taxes are paid!

Bad news is that we had another go-round last night on the phone. It ended badly.

Basically he told me that we got our stimulus check and that the taxes had been automatically taken from there so that is done and over with. We worked out a deal to pay the phone and auto insurance (the only two bills we now share) and how to split the kicker check.

I backslid and started talking about the relationship again (stupid girl that I am) and we got into a huge fight about this house issue again. Apparently the loan is being co-signed by his dad and that it would be for 200,000. I can't believe how stupid this man is. . .grrr! He honestly thinks he can deal with owning a home.

I wish I could post an audio clip of the whole conversation because it was so ridiculous. I kept my cool even though it was hard. At the end of the conversation I asked him where a 100.00 dollar deposit had come from and he said someone gave it to him. I asked who and eventually he told me that his mom (estranged mother might I add) had given it to him. I asked why and he said because he had asked for a small loan because money was tight. Do you see what I mean here? Idiot! He thinks he can own a home and yet has to borrow 100.00 from his mommy to pay his grocery bills or whatever? How crazy.

I guess that the thing that hurts the most about that is that he would rather go to her for help than to me. . .his own wife?

Anyways I was angry so I said "you borrowed money from her? That's pathetic."

He hung up on me and I didn't even bother to call back.

I feel bad about what I said but it is so true. When I talk to him and he can't even carry on a normal conversation with me it just makes me less and less attracted to him because all I see is a scared little boy who is lost in the world and making all the wrong choices. He is no longer the confident man I once fell for.

So I am back in the same spot as always. Do I file for a seperation to avoid financial ruin because of his bad choices or do I jump into a divorce. I mean why separate when there is no chance of things working out? Why delay the inevitable?

I'm tired of fighting for a man who does not love me and will never be the man I want or need to have in my life as my husband?

Daisy;
i havent posted to you before.. so I guess i'll give you a little warning... I'm known to be rather blunt.
This post is no exception

You are looking to run away from your marriage rather than fight for it, because your husband isnt "the man you want".
With the implication, that if you jettisoned him, and started over, you would finally find "the right man" for you.

A wise person wrote something like, "a good marriage isnt about finding the right person, but about BEING the right person".
From what I've read of your posts... sounds like there's some work you could do on your side of things.

[ i was going to write a lot more, but... well. i'll just leave it there ]

Hey Dom

Thanks for the warning! Hehe. I actually appreciate bluntness (to a point) because I am fairly blunt myself. Or at least I can be. I'm learning on holding back a smidge here and there.

I do want my marriage to work and I am trying to fight for it rather than against it. I am just getting very down because of this whole "I'm gonna buy my own house" BS! I guess I am trying to prepare myself for (what feels like) the inevitable. I love my husband more than words could possibly say. I truly believe we are meant to be together and cannot really imagine myself with anyone else but I have to put up my guard rather quickly when he starts talking about his "glorious new life" without me and with his new house. I'm not trying to give the impression that I am giving up.

I completly understand that I have a TON of things to work on personally. I cannot be so clingy/dependent in my marriage relationship (any relationship for that matter) and that I need to be more independent and stronger. I need to learn to accept that my husband has his own life and that nagging at him to change will never get me anywhere. I need to learn to control my anger and not to lash out whenever things are not going my way. I am a very flawed person and I accept that. I am very young (even when I feel old) and have a long ways to go. I just wish I could go that long road with someone. . .ideally my husband.

Even if this does not work out and down the road I find someone else I know there will always be problems, whether they are the same or a whole new set. There is no perfect person and therefore a perfect relationship is not possible. No matter how "right" they can seem.

I guess I am mostly frustrated because I feel like now that I finally understand what I need to change about myself it feels too late because my husband already ran away and seems like he is not even affected by the seperation. How do I show him my new changes are for real when I never encounter him? I know it has only been a week and a half but I feel like it might as well have been a year for all the distance there is between us. I just want another chance to make things work.

Thanks for listening.

Daisy I would hang up on you too. From what you have written it shows how disrespectful you are of him and his capabilities. Perhaps this is why he doesn't want to be with you anymore, not even on the phone. I didn't realize that you gave him these messages about himself. This would push any man with a backbone away.

Tink

Hey Tink

I know. . .I wish I hadn't been mean and I know it was disrespectful. I didn't say any of that to him (the idiot and stupid part) although I am sure it came across. I just don't know what else to do when he is being so insane. I have always had a problem being disrespectful but especially recently when he is being so disrespectful to me. Why can't he just be an adult and think about what he is doing.

Classic example:

I posted about how he had to borrow 100 from his mother. Yesterday I went online to transfer my half of the kicker check and it shows up that he spent 40.00 at some bar and grill! Doesn't anyone else see how stupid that is? He is begging money off his mom and then spends almost half of it going out? It just doesn't make sense.

I need to learn to show respect I just find it almost impossible to do when everytime I turn around he is off doing some new and insanly irresponsible thing. I would respect him more if he acted like an adult and made smart choices. I know I need to respect him unconditionally but it is soooo hard for me. Especially now.

what makes you say that?
I'm not sure thats actually such a problem for you.




I'm not sure you really do fully understand what you need to change about yourself, Daisy.
You are probably emotionally reeling still, from the shock.

You're also in a bit of a tough situation, in that if he wanted, your h could basically just not talk to you, until divorce papers come through or something.

So... perhaps the best things you could do, might be to

#1. "get a life", as they say, so you dont get completely taken up by this

#2. "be a good friend" to your h. say bye-bye to "the bitch", and try to just listen, and in some ways be supportive of when he chooses to talk with you, even if it's on difficult subjects like "him and his new house".

you're young. you dont know much about each other.
Use those times to see if you can learn more about your h. what he likes... what he is looking for in his future.
Then show him that you can be supportive, rather than just "a nag and a bitch".

That's my impulsive thoughts for you, anyways.

Hi again Dom

I say I am clingy because that is what my husband has told me a thousand times. One of his biggest complaints towards the end. Probably just an excuse to go out with friends but in ways it is true. I want to be with him and do things together more often than not. When out with my friends I keep thinking about ending the night to go home to him. Or I call and check in on him when I am out but if I am out he would never call to talk to me. I don't think all men would have a problem with the amount of attention I want in a relationship but he certainly does. And sometimes I do that with friends too, not to the point of being annoying but get really attached to one friend for awhile and then another one. I don't know if that makes any sense.

I am working on my own life. I want to lose some weight and start my own business (I am going to get my lisence today actually. . .) and I work most days during the week. I also have church twice a week and blah blah blah. I have enough to do to keep occupied. I still miss him though. Like I have the day off today and just wish he was here to hang out with. I miss our stress free days when we were dating and we could do nothing but still have fun just because we were together. Will I ever feel that way again? I don't know.

I want to ease up around him and just show him that things can be different but I really never see him and soon he will be moving to a new city (half an hour away) and I have not called him because I was trying to "go dark." How can we be friends. . .or how can I attempt to be his friend when we really have no reason to talk? How can I be supportive (even a little) of his desire to buy a house when that is such a destructive thing to our relationship?

Another though about this disrespect issue. . .how does one learn to be respectful? Especially when there is not a lot of good reason to be?

ah... guess that IS an issue for yiou then




so, stop trying to go dark.
(although that doesnt mean start calling him every night either )





I dont know.

However, there's a book/seminar/whatever, called "love and respect" or something like that. Where the premise is that women want love, and men want respect. So they try to teach men to "love their wives, even when they are being unlovable", and women to "respect their husbands, even when they may not 'deserve' it".

So... that might be helpful to you.