Yep, that is what I was asking, that was the impression I got from your threads. I know from my experience I used to push my h and he used to appease everything to make me happy. I even asked him once if I could go travelling on my own for 3 months. He looked sad and said yes but that wasn't what I wanted him to say, I wanted him to say no, I'd miss you too much you can't go. I asked him why he had said yes to that quite outerageous question and he said it was because he wanted me to be happy and couldn't say no to me - he took me at my word and didn't understand my woman-speak. I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes you need to say no, or set clear perametres for us women. It makes us feel loved. I'm not talking about major things just little firm steps.
Is there anyway of 180'ing your general trend in this aspect of your interactions with your w? A lot of DBing is about focusing on yourself but also there is a part about your interactions with your partners and trying different techniques to change the interactions. Don't give up on your wife because you feel you can't please her, try something else and see how she responds.
If I have assumed loads here please forgive me. It was just something I picked up on. Maybe a 180 could be to start thinking that actually she is lucky to have you, she is damn lucky to have you! No human being is better than another. We all find different people attractive, that is what is so great. Kate Moss is supposed to be a super-model but loads of men I know don't find her at all attractive.
Next time your wife re-frames a situation, why don't you post it here and we can try re-framing it for you. I am learning some man-speak at the moment and it is really helping my interactions with my h. If you need any woman-speak ever all you gotta do its ask...
OK folks, I need some advice here. I am a computer guy. I was snooping on W via the family computer that she had at her temporary house. At our last MC, she was complaining about how hard it was for her to get the kids registered for school since she didn't have a computer to use and that I only got to working on rebuilding the family computer in the last couple of days prior to our meeting and that she has a friend of a friend that would be glad to rebuild it for her, blah blah. I told her that I was rebuilding it and she basically said that she can't trust me not to leave myself access into her computer. I told her that if she didn't trust me that she could go and buy herself her own computer and that the family computer was now mine and not hers to use. Since then, I've not done any work on the computer. She called me today to have me troubleshoot her inability to get on the internet from the house with the old slow laptop that we've been using in extremis to check the bank etc. and she asked if I had done any work on the family computer and then mentioned that she would just take the new monitor etc. I repeated to her that I'm the only one that messes with my computer and that contrary to her assertion, I did not buy that monitor for her, I bought it for our family expecting that she was going to be moving home in 6 months and that if she doesn't trust me, then she can go buy herself her own computer.
Now, I hate this crap. When I think about what led up to the hug on her birthday, it seems that behaving toward her in a friendly manner and not fighting is a good thing. Now, I'm considering telling her "Whatever, take the damned computer.", but, that seems too much like my past behavior of always apologizing for everything and doing anything to make her happy. At the same time, I also understand her reluctance to trust me in this area. So, I don't know what to do here. Maybe I should give her the computer with my blessing and tell her to go and have whomever you want rebuild it for you and tell her that I understand that she feels like she can't trust me in this area. But, I don't want to be a door mat and I don't want to be a giant offended pr*ck either.
Hey Dan: Give her the computer. In the grand scheme of things, its a piece of hardware.
I understand your reluctance and why, but remember, choose your battles wisely. Is this really a battle you want to fight? It seems trivial, especially if you don't use the computer. If she wants to take it to get fixed, as long as its her dime, I don't see a problem with it, and it's one less thing you have to worry about.
(((Dan))) your doing great, but remember, the little things like this are pointless to argue about.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
How about saying something like, 'I am happy to carry on building the computer for you however, I understand your worries and so if you would like someone else to work on it then just let me know.'
If she decides yes, just give it to her with your good wishes. If she asks you to carry on do so without spying, I know you wouldn't spy anyway. It is a gesture of trust on both yours and her parts then.
Trust me, you have paid enough...besides you help keep me sane getting the male perspective!
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Not at all Dan, it is also great for me to get a male perspective on my thread. I still chuckle over the love grenade comment - it was a brilliant humour tonic lol! Let us know how it goes.
Dan, maybe you can help me as you are good at computers! My h is coming round at the weekend and will be on the computer. I don't want him to know that I am on here. If I delete my browsing history is that enough or is there anymore I need to do?
When you say on here, I assume you mean on the DB forum. I'm going to assume that you use Internet Explorer since the vast majority of people do. If you really want things to seem normal, but, not show the DB Forum, then open up the history ctrl-H then at the top of the History pane, it says View and when you click on there, you can sort your history. Change to sort by site. Then, scroll through the site list and when you see ones that you don't want H to see, mouse over that site name and right click and then select delete.
If I was interested in snooping and got on a computer my W uses and there was no browser history, it would be a red flag for me that she was doing something that she didn't want me to know about.
One other thing. Firefox remembers what you type into input boxes like when you enter your credit card number on an online merchant or your search terms in google. I don't know what Safari does, but, if you are using Firefox, you might want to go to google and in the search box, type each letter of the alphabet and see what search terms you've used. I was using a keyboard logger on the family computer, but, when my W searched on some interesting search terms using Firefox, I could defend my knowing about them because of the way Firefox caches those search terms.
