He's simply torn CW. It seems to me that he want's things to be the way he wants them to be, but he's scared that they will go back to the way they were. He doesn't want to risk that, but he still loves you and is attracted to you. That's pretty obvious.
You're on the right track, but you have to be patient. I wouldn't verbally discuss this stuff with him too much because it brings back the bad memories. Notice that's exactly what he went to when you brought up the R talk. Don't ask him so many questions, eventhough you really are dying to know the answers.
You can have that sexual conversation, and ML without it being associated with the guilt by not asking him so many pressuring questions, etc. That's causing him to act on his emotions and then feel remorse afterwards. Hence the getting up and heading out immediately after ML.
Try it next time. Find a way to get the same result, without the R talk, the questions, etc... and maybe he won't feel the pressure and will stick around afterwards.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
Thanks, Floyd! Good advice...I always tell myself I'm not gonna go there...but my need for affirmation consumes me.
One other thing I forgot to mention is that he told me...he has it in his head that I could never really love him. That made me sad...I love him more than anything and was obviously neglectful, but I want him to see so badly how much I care
Sorry, Guys...one more part of the convo with H I forgot to mention. Would like some advice as to whether or not I said the right things...okay okay...I know I shouldn't even have been talking about the R...but...well just tell me what you think...
H: I don't think I can ever feel "that way" about you again. Me: What way? H: Wanting to give you affection Me: No, you won't have those feelings come back over night...it takes time. H: I don't think they can Me: They can if you want them to...I think you shut them down because you obviously think I was rejecting you sexually because I was interested in someone else and although I know you can't understand what I was really going through...I think if you could at least admit that maybe I had other reasons that weren't about you for not wanting to have sex you may not be so angry and take it so personally. It truly wss a hormone imbalance and my low self esteem demons that ruined by sexual drive. I have always been attracted to you...I just couldn't show it. I know I made mistkaes...I know I messed up...I can imagine how you feel, but please try and put what you thought was causing my problems aside, because your thoughts were wrong.
Do you think any of that will help him to get over his anger? I really think that he just spent so much time blaming himself for the lack of sex..trying to figure out what was wrong with him and then eventually getting so angry at me for making him feel this way.
Okay, so I just got back from my first camping trip in about 22 years and I LOVED IT!!! I feel like I totally missed out on so much by not going while H while we were still together. Moreover, it saddens me that he always wanted me to go and I NEVER WOULD because "I wasn't the camping kind". What a crock! I was such a joy kill! At any rate, I went with my D and her girlfriend...just us 3 girls and I made my own fire...pitched my own tent...the whole nine. Well...maybe not the whole nine...I didn't manage to cook anything, but I was only there 2 nights so next time I'll make sure to do the entire shebang.
Sooooo...I got back today and H came to mow my lawn. I am on vacation this week so D is supposed to be with me all week and have no visit with her Dad, but I felt really bad because he misses her so much so I offered him my ticket to a play I was going to take her to tomorrow so that he could spend time with her. He accepted and said thanks. I replied that I really appreciated him mowing my lawn and know how much he enjoys our daughter so it was the least I could do.
As he was leaving I made a joke about it being a long time since I "had some" and he responded by kind of laughing and then saying...it was just the other day! I said, yeah, but I'm craving some...so he said...okay go upstairs and take off your pants. I said...noooooo...you don't want to..it's okay. He said...it's just that I'm all dirty and sweaty from mowing the lawn. I said..no problem...can I get a smooch? So he leaned in and kissed me. It was wonderful!
I think I need to change the name of my thread... I AM NOT GIVING UP!!!!
Oh yeah, on more thing on the camping...told H I loved it and thought it would be cool to get one of those pop up camp trailers because and RV wouldn't be enough like really camping. He said under his breath "I've wanted to do that for years". Truth is...he always wanted to get a camp trailer and I always put the kabosh on it. Rather than engage in his comment, however, I didn't put any emphasis on it and just said...I know...It's a great idea. I think I'm beginning to be able to stop myself from talking about the past...the old me would have been completely taken in by that comment and we would have ended up in "talk about the past" hell.
I'm glad you are noticing little things that are improving. I am also glad that you have changed your mind and not given up on your M after all. There is definitely hope for you. Everything you are saying is looking positive!
M: 25, H: 29 T: 4 years M: 11 months Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 7/11/08 Found out about OW: 7/12/08 Seperated but living together
a small bit of encouragement for you, from a male perspective:
it sounds to me like, you had problems in the past in your marriage, so your husband "gave up". Now you have actually made some changes in yourself... but your husband isnt ready to trust you that it's "real".
My advice... just keep on doing what you are doing. More talking wont make him believe... you continuing what you are doing, will.
The more you talk about it, the more it will stir him up, and get him into "arguging" mode. So... no more R talk When he starts talking negatively... just let it go.
When he believes what you are doing will stick.... then he will be back, and stay back. you probably wont have to ask him... he'll probably ask you
That's my amateur read of things, anyways I dont think your situation is that bad at all, relatively speaking. It's PAINFUL, yes. but very fixable, given time and consistency on your part. hang in there!
Be glad you're a woman, and he's a man. Men are much more simple to win back, then women
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Your advice comes at the best time! I really appreciate the view from a male perspective...the way you men think is so foreign to me I mean that in a good way...of course!
I think you are so right...the proof is in the pudding as they say and all my pleadings and talk of change fell on deaf ears. He is waiting to see the results of all my talk.
It's so funny...I really don't think he expected me to really go on this camping trip. He let me borrow all his stuff and when he was explaining to me what I had to do to put up the tent etc, he had this glib grin on his face...like "there 'aint no way this chick is gonna actually go camping". The other funny part is that every time I told one of my co-workers I was taking my D camping they all started laughing like I was crazy. One person actually said...OMG I would love to see that. I obviously put off a certain vibe that would lead people to believe I couldn't make it in the wilderness. WELL I DID and I had a blast!
I think doing the 180's is the right way for me to proceed. I'm looking at things from his point of view rather than my own...I've been very selfish in our relationship and I can't change it...can only be giving in the future.
H just picked up D to take her to the play. I had made dinner and asked him if he wanted some and he said no....I said...ok well would you like me to make you a plate of leftovers for your lunch tomorrow...he said sure.
He still seems to be avoiding me although one thing that I noticed is that he always has a fresh tic tac in his mouth when he comes in...I'm wondering if it's because he knows I always try to kiss him? I don't know because he also seems to try and stay away from being in close proximity to me. Is he struggling with himself maybe? When he walked in tonight he immediately came around to where I was cooking and then quickly retreated.
Maybe I'm crazy and overanalyze? LOL...probably! One thing I find myself doing is trying to always come up with reasons why he acts a certain way. For example...if he's nice then I analyze his behavior and wonder...hmmm...is it because he's seeing someone else and feels guilty? If he's not nice then I analyze his behavior and wonder...hmmm..is it because he's seeing someone else and just wants me to get the hell away from him. See? I'm crazy! He keeps insisting there is no one...but it's so hard to believe he would leave our family unless he thought he had something better waiting.
