Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Completely and utterly devastated--how to cope

ok- breathe- it is very painful right now....it will get better.

yu need to realize how recent your sitch is. it has been about one month...very short time period and you really ned to give this space. no R talks at all unless he talks and then you just listen and validate. loving. space. detach. GAL. PMA. patience. i have said these so many times bc thats all you can do.

be careful with going dark. you dont want to push him away further.

have you spoken to a DB coach yourself? you probably need to do that asap.

LRT is good- read that section over and over. do you have DR book?

do not even think of OW- there isnt one so dont ecven go there! self fulfilling prophecy. those are just fears abut do not let them turn into reality with your actions.

you can do this! it will be better- i promise- i was exactly where you were.

Hey ITH

Just checking in on you. I think that your ideas in reply to my previous post were great! I know how hard it is to let these things go and trust that they will work. I always think to myself "how can they ever just work out. I have to make them work out" but it is simply not true. Things will undo themselves and I believe our husbands will work these things out for themselves once we give them the time and space they need. It's working wonders for me and I really think it can help you alot! Just hang in there and focus on things interaction by interaction. I love thinking about the "big picture" and how the future will look but in this kind of situation it will only drive you insane because of the uncertainty surrounding it.

Keep at it! It will start to pay off!

Hi Daisy and Pisces,

Funny how this board has come to mean so much to me, and I really look forward to getting up in the morning (time difference) and seeing who has sent me a post :).

Pisces--when you say to be careful with going dark, do you mean that maybe I shouldn't try this technique? It's interesting you mention this because last night I went to dinner with some coworkers, so turned off my Blackberry. When I called H later (in response to his IM), he sounded pretty annoyed and said "I tried calling, texting, and sending messages", as if he couldn't understand why I wasn't available when he needed to tell me something.

I have spoken to a DB coach--actually 3 times. While I can't say I've seen improvement (I'm impatient), it at least puts a voice in my head that I can't do all of the things that I want to do like cry, call, plead etc. While it may not save my marriage, at least now there is a chance where probably if my coach hadn't helped me to figure out how I was contributing to the problems, there would have been no chance!

Yes you're right about the OW thing too, it's just that H always has more female friends, and I fear him turning to them for emotional support. There are a couple in particular that I do not trust, but you're right, I need to let those thoughts go! Oh and I do have DR book--just got it on Tuesday. I will reread LRT.

Daisy thanks for the encouragement! I have to think interaction by interaction. It is just such a different mindset. Oh--I posted something about this in another thread, but I really do recommend the book "Are you Ready to Succeed" by Srikumar Rao. He was my professor for an MBA class called "Creativity and Personal Mastery". The book is in no way about relationships, but it helps you with things like living in the present moment. There is also another really interesting exercise where you look at your mental chatter. The idea is that for 1 week, you keep notes about the thoughts going through your head. Do something like set a timer every 30 minutes, or every hour, and write down what you've been thinking about. This offers a lot of insight I think into some often negative and seemingly uncontrollable thoughts that we might have. At the time I did this, it helped me to see that while I always considered myself an optimist, in fact I had a lot of negativity. There is then another exercise later about how to help calm the mental chatter through cultivating gratitude for everything in your life. Clearly I myself need to revisit these techniques, but in all honesty, that class was worth the price of my MBA, and these techniques help lead to a feeling of peace. I have the book so if you're ever interested, I can post exercises.

Good thoughts to you both,

ITH

I was looking through our US bank account--I always do this online, no snooping. Anyway I saw a charge for true.com. Apparently it's a dating site. I had to go back to my apartment and be alone for about 30 minutes before I could come back and talk to H without going ballistic. However, I thought maybe he had signed up for an account for his mom or something, as we always tried to get her to do Internet dating. So I asked him if he knew what the charge was (via IM), and he said no. I called the company, and they said it was a male profile, but none of the details matched H, and the address was in Florida, the age was about 20 etc. the name was different...Anyway I can only hope it actually was a fraudulent charge. Part of me thinks he is lying to me and that maybe he had a lot to drink one night and signed up for this so that he could have internet chats. This isn't really like him though, at least I wouldn't have thought so in the past. I just am suspicious because usually he is extremely cautious about things like fraud and credit card numbers being taken, but he pretty much didn't respond to anything about this. I'm just feeling sick to my stomach...

ITH

OK, that's tough. And what I've got to offer next may sound pretty calloused, but I think you'll see a ring of truth in it.

It doesn't really matter, aside from whether it's fraud or not, what that charge was for. I know how counterintuitive (and isn't that a $5 word?) all of this is. Everything your heart is SCREAMING you need to do is not what will help you. Think of it in terms of a bucket hanging from a rope. You're both in the bucket. He's leaning out. There's a possibility that he will tip that bucket all on his own. But, it becomes far more likely to dump if you do anything to reach for him and shift the balance the rest of the way.

Decide for yourself right now, would him seeing someone else be a deal-breaker? I'm betting it wouldn't. I've been there. In my case, there turned out to be a couple of affairs, with both sexes. (Gotta love drugs and mental illness.) Thing is, an affair, browsing a dating site, anything like that, regardless of how harmless or "degenerate" is not a reflection of you or even their feelings for you. It's a reflection of their problems, and their hope that they can find something, anything, to salve their emotional pain.

My personal suggestion is, accept those realities and act as if it's done and in the past. If it's something that never happens, then it's really easy to move beyond. If, and I hope it never does, but if it comes to pass, then you've already started to deal with it, and worked to understand the truth.

Even though you don't see it, your husband is hurting and confused in a way you and I won't really understand. He's looking for a band-aid to make it better NOW! Rob1231 on the "Piecing" forum has a great band-aid analogy. He relates it to affairs, but it really applies to all of the goofy things they do. A band-aid covers the wound temporarily. But, band-aids quickly become crusty, curl at the edges, and fall off. And unless something is done to treat and heal the actual injury, the band-aid has done nothing but cause more pain when it's pulled the rest of the way off.

I think turning off your berry and taking your own time was brilliant. (By the way, I am addicted to my Crackberry. My PIN is in my signature.) Do those things for you. You are not there for his convenience or beck and call, and that's something he needs to learn through example.

Thanks BH!

Actually now I believe him, but you're right, in a way it wouldn't matter; funny what being in these situations allows you to tolerate. I believe him because he sent an email later saying how it was weird that someone used our card only for an Internet dating site, and it was kind of a funny email that sounded like the real him. I also think that (unless he secretly wanted to get caught), he would have used his own local credit card, one where I might not see the statement, instead of the US card where I am the one who always looks at the online statements. I need to trust him at his word that he will not date during this time, and if I find out that he breaks his word, then we will deal with that issue when and if it arises. So I did not ask whether or insinuate that he purchased the membership for himself (funny thing though--when I called True.com they canceled the membership, so if it actually is his, he'll be quite disappointed:)).

I did have another small backslide this afternoon though, but at this point I think the backslide isn't too bad, and could actually be beneficial. Yesterday H said that "maybe we would catch lunch" if his sailing lessons got canceled. He told me they were canceled, so I just asked, via IM, what time he wanted to have lunch tomorrow, and then in parentheses said (I think you mentioned wanting to have lunch). He said we could have lunch at 1 if I wanted, and that was it. So I pushed a little, but I am only going to have 2 more chances to see H before I leave for Poland, so I want to try and make the most of them. There is tomorrow, then the day before I fly out (Thursday)where I will be packing during the evening. Tomorrow is my chance to try some tips that my DB coach suggested, so I am really planning to make the most of it!!!

BH I'm really amazed at what you've been through yourself. It literally sounds as though you had to battle with every issue that an R could possibly have! I really admire the fact that you're still here, giving out great advice!

Have a lovely evening (or day--not sure where you're located)

ITH

I'm packing up to move, so right this minute, I'm not sure where I'm located :-).

Omaha, NE, USA right now. Headed to MN next week.

I think you're right on track, and I don't see testing the waters a little as a backslide, unless it clearly isn't working, or you're doing it constantly.

ITH- what i mean by being careful going totally dark- is that of course you make plans for yourself..and if he tries to contact you 3 times thats a good sign..as long as you called him back. i was confused by this at the beginning and my DB coach said to keep the communication alive...she told me if my H feels like a schmuck he will not stick around..so maikng him purusue me to death wasnt going to work with my H. now some H's are like that and this technique does work....im not sure what your H is like- but it sounds like he wants to be with you...so keep that up. show him your changes.

when you planned to move was thie before the Bomb? was he going to move with you? just tryoing to get clarity here..

thanks

Hi Pisces,

Nice to hear from you. My plan to go to Poland is utterly and entirely due to him wanting to separate. In fact we were trying to plan a move back to the US before the bomb...Now I am just content to be anywhere that he wants to be. I am not being a doormat, but he has literally moved from the US to London to Dublin for me...

So I will be there from Thursday through mid-October. That said, it works fine with my current job. It is not a benefit to my career, but is just sort of putting my career in limbo, just like my marriage.

I chose this route because it gave me a bit of control. I know everyone on this board is screaming at me about control, but it at least makes us have a check-in point in the separation. I know myself, and I will not be able to be in indefinite limbo without some kind of checkpoints along the way. I'm scared, terrified that while I'm gone he will love the single life and not want to be with me anymore. I'm scared that I will come back in October and he will feel like he cannot breathe...yet here we are. If he moved out, I wouldn't have been able to say that I was doing something for myself. Now I am doing something for myself and at the very least, worst case scenario, I will always be able to say that I lived and worked in Poland even if at the end of this I don't have a husband, God forbid...

ITH

ok- so what did he say when you said you were moving to poland? he moved all round for you and now you are moving?
this SHOWS him you dont need him.
have you thought about staying?
why go?