Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Where do I go from here? pt. 2

T
I also would not send the letter
Im not sure about S letter
My D13 verbalized some of her pain directly to H many months ago
That did go well coming directly from her
I encouraged it
she was comforted by him saying I still love you
its not your fault and H did say that
I took her to therapist maybe 3-4 times so she could talk more
that helped
I think she is hurt in some ways , but I have made it very easy for H to keep R with kids by allowing him to visit here anytime
I have been mostly friendly and cooperative
I dont badger him or express my pain to him
that has helped im sure for him to transition out of here and still maintain R with kids
I am getting to the point now, i want to let go and im closer

hang in
peace

hey there t-

dont send the letter. i think you already know that in your heart.

in regards to your son....that poor boy! I have learned through much counseling for my kids, with my kids and on my own that leanring to voice your own feelings WITH NO EXPECTATIONS is huge.

You mentioned that s9 has a counselor. I have found in my stitch I have used my C over and over with my kids. s19 has set boundaries and is doing really well emotionally....misses his dad but knows taht getting morsels of a lie isn't worth it. D11....she sees how it is working for s19 but knows she is in a different spot...however she is also learning that she CAN state her feelings and set boudnaries of her own that help her OWN heart heal.

Ask the C about your s9 and the letter. I woudl strongly suggest getting htem all into hte c to talk and have that safe place. I know with my kids them having that place takes pressure off of them...it is place where they can share their hearts etc. and not have guilt. (i worry about that with my kids some...i know they love me and i know htey love their dad.)

t- you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. He doesn't deserve to know how you love him or loved him...at least not right now.

How are you doing today, T? How was your weekend?

Pam,

Thanks for looking in on me. Today is a hard day.

I had a friend from Canada (a former neighbor) and her three kids in for the weekend. We had a big party at my house to celebrate her visit, D6's bday, and my 40th bday, which was a couple of weeks ago. It was great fun, though I did come down with a little fever and stomach bug on the day of the party. Didn't slow me down too much, just made me feel wiped out. Had my kids and in-laws and lots of great friends around, though, to pick up the slack and make me feel loved. Everything still went off great!

But she headed back home today, and it's hard to say goodbye to a much-loved friend that you know you probably won't see for another 6-12 months.

It was so nice to have another grown-up in the house, helping out with the kids, helping out with the party, and just having a grown up to talk to and share things with. It made me realize once again how much I miss my H and my marriage.


H's parents and several of our old friends and neighbors were here on Sat., as well as new friends I've made over the past 18 months, and everyone has called to say what a wonderful party it was, and how lucky I am to have such wonderful in-laws who obviously love and support me and the kids. I know I'm blessed.

But it was hard, too. It was hard to have a birthday party for OUR daughter in OUR house, and him not be here. My friends love me, and are so disappointed in him, but it is awkward for some of them, too. Two of the husbands of our "couple friends" didn't show.

H missed out on yet another of his kids' birthdays. So sad. D6 will never have that time back. And I'm starting to think she will never have a real relationship with him. Ever.

I'm so down right now. I know it's because I'm missing my friend who just left, but also because I'm losing hope. I know I have to put my hope in God and in myself to make a new life for me and the kids; I know I can't put all my hope in H, or in the hope that he will come back someday, but right now I just miss him and our past relationship SO much.


<sigh>

I also got a call from another friend this morning to let me know that one of the swim team dads died last night of a heart attack. He was in his late forties. Though I didn't know either of them that well, the wife and I are friendly acquaintances as their son is 9 and a friend of my S9. I can't believe it.

Right now I'm hurting for her and her son.

Also have to go to the lawyer's office to drop off paperwork, which I dread. Makes everything too real. Guess I'm still in denial.

T

Wow....reading it back.....I am such a downer. I don't want to forget how wonderful it was to have had my friend here and have such a great gathering of family and friends.

Maybe I should just say, I'm sad today, but the weekend was great!

Cagz,

Yeah, maybe you're right that for now he doesn't deserve to know how much I love him. At any rate, I'm not going to send him my letter.

Still not sure about S9's letter.

I would love to get the kids back in counseling, but I cannot afford it right now, and H refuses to pay. That's something I will bring up with my lawyer to see if we can get it court ordered, and if not, I will bring it up in settlement negotiations. The kid's C did see the letter just a couple of weeks after S9 wrote it, and she had hoped that she or the MC that H and I were seeing would have a chance to share it with H. It didn't happen because H stopped paying for us, and stopped going himself.

I'm still struggling daily with the No Expectations thing. I know I'm still struggling with denial, too.

How are you doing?

T

Peace,

I'm glad you are getting closer to the point where it's easier to let go. I'm not there yet, but maybe after the D is final I'll be closer to that point, too.

I think S9 wants to share how he feels, but is scared to do it face to face because he's seen how H reacts to D14 when she does it. Of course, she does it in a very moody teenagerish sort of way.

And while your H at least had the guts and the maturity to tell your D that it was not her fault, my H responded to our D14 by telling her it WAS partly her fault that he left. Lovely, yes?

I have tried to facilitate relationships between H and the kids, but I think he is still in "run away from all responsibility" mode. I get the feeling he sees them because it would make him look bad if he didn't. For him, "out of sight, out of mind," is much easier.

I guess right now I can only pray that their relationships will improve. I do need to remember that expressing my pain to him will probably only drive him further away. Thanks for stopping by, and for your words of advice and encouragement.

T

Too much space? When he wants to reach out and you don't contact him out of spite is too much space, otherwise, any contact forced on your part is breaking the space he wants.

If he asked for space, then I don't think you erred. Unless he is the type of person who says one thing and wants another, but that a bit passive agressive.

By the way, giving her space, yes meant she got to sleep with OM. You are going to have to get used to that idea, sorry. Figure out if you can forgive, if you aren't capable then your wasting your time here.

I let her know I was giving her space and time, that I would be around when she no longer needed it.

When do you give up?
[censored] tpaschal are you looking forward to it?
You can give up after you have done everything you are capable of doing. When you have no regrets and your children respect your decisions.

T - me? Doing. That is the way I put it these days. I have watched my son and my duaghter walk through this no expectation thing and htey are doing amazing. I am trying to follow suit. IT IS HARD.

The denial..ahh yes that one is so hard. Part of those dog gone stages of greiving.. I am sorry. I think some days I go back and forth there. I think with my D being final I am going through the greif and stuff again. I hate it. It is so hard!! I am sorry for you my friend.

My sister puts it pretty blunt to me..and it helps. YES I am like you -- still dream and hope that xh will go WHAT HAVE I DONE -- but see here is where we have to move to my friend. You and me. WE HAVE TO KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON. I think both of our men are very very far away....and my friend if we stay stuck in hurt land we are just going to be so very very sad for a very very long time.

i have been blessed recently to hook up with a friend of my moms. She is 60 years of age- her husband left 18 years ago- he was a pastor. Anyway - she has shared so much with me about her own experience adn it has been WONDERFUL. Recently we were talking about the hurt and stuff. NEVER she EVER make me feel low or wierd for where I am in this....NEVER. But this day she chose to tell me about a friend of hers who was divorced and had been for many years. She is still alone, and her xh is still gone. She is still driving by his place adn doing the things that dont bring HER HAPPINESS. That email really really helped me.

Why did it help? Because she too (like you and me and so many on this board) believed that God could heal her marriage. ANd she struggled with everything that we have struggled with and will struggle with. BUT GOD has done SUCH FANTASTIC THINGS with her life since she has let him. She hasn't stayed in that place that I think I could so easily get stuck in. AND the other lady...see she is still stuck.

I am NOT saying that standing isn't right. BECAUSE you KNOW that I believe in it. BUT I DO KNOW that allowing ourselves to get STUCK and not grow- and not let go of the bitterness. IT doesn't help US! YOU AND ME T!! WE DESERVE TO have peace! We DESERVE to be happy. TRUE HAPPINESS>

Her xh left 18 years ago. He married the ow...and you know what he STILL hasn't gotten on his knees. I MEAN THS GUY was a PASTOR!! He was annoited by God and WALKED AWAY. And my friend? She has been so very very blessed. So see....you and me we have to move forward.

I want the best for you...sorry to get on my soap box. =)

[/quote]

When do you give up?
[censored] tpaschal are you looking forward to it?
You can give up after you have done everything you are capable of doing. When you have no regrets and your children respect your decisions. [/quote]

Now THAT is good advice!!

I can say without a doubt that following those guidelness will let us live in peace. I can say I did my best and tried my hardest. I can say that I gave him space and let him go to figure himself out. I cna say that I have no regrets and I KNOW that i have my childrens respect for my descions!!

Thanks JACK TAHT IS GREAT ADVICE!!!!