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Sorry to hear you are still feeling down RED~

I am glad you are here and will get alot of support.
Just stopping by to say hi.

~Alicia

Hi Red...hope the birthday and company don't throw too much stress in the mix for you this week. Root's right...breathe deep, give him some space and pay attention to how your reactions feed the cycle you feel your R slipping into.

Sorry you've been feeling down, but it's nice to see you back--I've missed ya!

So, H & I got into a knock down, drag out last night -- at least for us anyway. He was on the phone w/ his sister. I thought I heard him say something like "oh and guess who else called me" as he moved to the other room like he didn't want me to hear. I, of course, confronted. He had said something totally different & I believe what he said. I, of course, couldn't just let it go at that. I told him that he really hadn't told me anything about OW/EA to let me know "why" I didn't need to worry about her anymore, just that he had told me that I "didn't need to worry about that individual anymore."

He said she is now married (which I already knew from other sources). I said, well, it's interesting to me how quickly she got married after you left (for Korea). He said well she was dating him before I left. I said well why didn't you TELL me that, why did you allow me to think she was the reason you were wanting to leave me. (this is what hurt the most) he said she wasn't quote on quote "the reason he wanted to leave."

We then went our separate ways. He came in when I went to bed & was really sweet. He actually commented on something that he noticed about me - my earrings - meaning he was paying attention to details about me. He also then said in a really cute way "well, it's not really your fault anyway, you're pretty over-emotional the 20th to the 25th of every month anyway."

Soo, long story short, unfortunately, this sh*t doesn't just disappear and I think sometimes we women make a bigger deal out of things b/c the guy just doesn't want to discuss things and we're left to "worry" or "wonder" about details. The guy seems to just want to say "it's over, let's move on."

For the most part, though, we're doing really well.

Yuck, Red...I'm sorry you had a blow up last night.

I completely identify with your feelings of insecurity--they're real consequences of his actions, and sometimes it seems like we'll never be truly comfortable because there is so much that we DON'T KNOW. I was having a hard time with this a couple weeks ago...wondering what they said to each other, what they did, did he touch her the same, did he want to spend every moment with her, does he miss her, what if I'm not as much fun? Blah, blah, blah. I started dreaming about it. And almost asked him about it. But I caught myself, because here is the truth: I can't trust what he'd say anyway. Because of course he'd reassure me, and I'd think he was just saying what I wanted to hear, that he wasn't telling me the truth, etc.

So, I talked myself through it (and posted a little bit), looked at his ACTIONS...which say he's happy and loves me and our kids. And I'm feeling better. No it's not going to disappear, but I think it will become easier to deal with as we keep moving forward and have more positive ground behind us.

I'm glad he came back and was sweet with you. Hang on to that hon. It means a lot.

((hugs))

Red,

Insecurity is real and it is a consequence of his affair. You should have a talk about your need for reassurance. You went through an emotional trauma and it has left a scar. You will not be able to heal completely without his help and reassurance. This is not something that happens quickly, so you need to ask him to be patient and helpful.

I know and it doesn't help that the OW/EA was just the *last* time he cheated. He had had 2 PA/EA's & 1 ONS prior to that, years ago.

I did leave out the part (last night) where he said "where have I been all this time; right here" and got his cell phone out of his pocket & held it out to me. I had no desire to look - that would just confirm I truly had absolutely no trust in him and if I had wanted to look, it's been sitting around plenty of times lately that I could have before now anyway. Also the other day he had left his email password up on the computer and I didn't write it down *just in case* either I (a) am really starting to trust, (b) could give a sh*t, or (c) am just plain dumb, how knows

Red,

You can run but ya can't hide!!!

And about the blow-up....sorry it happened, but it sounds like it ended well and probably well served at clearing the air a little bit. A good thing eh?

Oh! one more thing...


I'm gonna go with "C"

"Ouch!!!" Sheesh, I was just kidding!!!

Love ya kid,


-IC

Better watch it, dude. I don't see Saffie anywhere around here, but she could just come out of the woodwork @ any time.

I was reading back through my thread and this jumped out at me. I actually did something along these lines tonight.

We were in bed (after having S in the shower) and I just asked if I could tell him something. Told him I'm not mad, I just need you to know how I feel.

I told him that I no longer feel *special,* like I'm the *one & only* for him as there have been others besides me since we've been married. I told him I think I will always feel this way. I can't change that -- the truth is there have been others.

He said "I'm sorry" and then he said "God, I hope so" and I said "what do you mean" and he said "I hope you can change the way you feel and not feel that way forever."

Anyway, now I can't sleep, not upset, glad that I could tell him that so he knows how I feel about some of the things he has done.

I also asked him point blank if "things are ok with us" and he said "everything's great" and I just asked if he would truly talk to me about anything bothering him now instead of keeping it all in and then deciding he can't do it anymore and want to just get out.

Communication is essential to a marriage. You should let him know how you are feeling. We can become strangers to each other if we don't.