Please note the edit above. The fully prescribed edit is:
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I imagine it was a mistake,and did not want to shock you.
I hope you will comply -- you are valued here.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
He definitely keeps it secret, but I'm no dummy... However, I have stopped snooping temporarily because it just hurts too much. But I'm not ready to confront him. Believe it or not, this is his second OOW that I know of...
The reason he dropped the bomb was that I confronted him about e-mails I found between him and first OOW -- whom he went and met, and then it failed miserably for some reason. And I begged him not to go, but he wouldn't and reassured me they were "just friends." Then I found e-mails from second OOW -- who scooped him up on the rebound and he fell for quite quickly. Apparently OOW#1 broke his heart. So I'm sure they were not "just friends."
I do think H needs help, but he won't hear it from anyone. I've told him around bomb-dropping time that I thought he was addicted, but he says "I know it's just an escape, yada yada yada..."
As much as he feeds into to this OOW, I think he is on the fence -- doesn't want to give up his life, yet doesn't know how to make himself happy. And my gut tells me this one won't last, like the other one didn't -- what's that they say about affairs, they last about 6 months?
So I work on getting stronger because eventually I will have to issue an ultimatum. But I need to be stronger first. It's only been about 9 weeks and I'm getting better every day.
And Runningoutoftime, she's not a man, unfortunately. How great would that be? No, he does talk to her on the phone and she's sent her photo and of course she runs some freakin' charity to help African kids and spread world peace and her father was some golf great, or so she says, which just feeds into my husband's obsession with the sport. It's too perfect...
And I've actually considered getting involved in that site and "posing" as another love interest. But frankly it takes too much time to figure it out and I'm not tech savvy. Plus I want my H in the "real" world... But don't think I haven't thought about it!
Thanks for both your posts.
I think you have great ideas to try.
If you are not ready to confront and set limits, you shouldn't.
Puppy and I have had some lively discussions...and I value his perspective. He has had success with his method, and it is valuable. However, it ISN'T for the faint of heart.
You need to be in a place of strength.
So....what would PUT YOU in a place of strength?
And .... how would you know you were there?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Please note the edit above. The fully prescribed edit is:
EDITED – ADVERTISING is NOT ALLOWED. You must comply with the DivorceBusting.com Board Rules if you would like to continue the privilege of posting here.
I imagine it was a mistake,and did not want to shock you.
I hope you will comply -- you are valued here.
Sorry! I didn't realize... I had seen links to articles before and thought it was fine but I won't do it again!
M 39 H 34 D 6 M almost 8 years T 11 years Bomb: 6/5/08
This is what I keep working at -- getting stronger. I know I have control issues, but right now I feel very out of control in everything in my life.
Before this bomb I never even questioned my H's love for me or our family or our life, and this has really shaken me to the core and made me feel completely insecure. I guess I took our M for granted, which contributed to my role in the state of the marriage.
To be stronger, I think I would need to feel like D and I could survive on our own, financially and emotionally. And then there's the rejection issue, that H has all these issues with me and doesn't "love" me in that way.
What would put ME in a sense of strength? Not feeling dependent on H at all. And right now I do, emotionally, financially and physically. What would make me stronger to deal with this?
Detaching, obviously, for the emotional part. And I'm in IC, which helps. And this BB, of course, for support.
Getting a full-time job, obviously, for the financial part. I'm working on that -- but my plan involves getting my teaching certification which means I can't teach until next fall. However, I've signed up for substitute teaching this school year for experience and extra money.
The physical need to be with my H intimately? Can't do anything about that.
Also, the "physical" need for my H to do things around the house? I can start to do things, but I know that might "set" him off -- he doesn't want me touching the lawn mower or even doing home improvement projects, although he puts the mowing off and doesn't do the latter at all anymore.
So that's it. And right now, I continue to try and work on saving my marriage unless I get so fed up I can't take it anymore. But I want to continue to try and ride the roller coaster.
M 39 H 34 D 6 M almost 8 years T 11 years Bomb: 6/5/08
