Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Where do I go from here? pt. 2

Mom,

Sorry to butt in on this thread but I'm not sure what thread you are on. I would appreciate it when you have time to check out the last part of my thread "My Heart is Breaking #6" & then #7.
I'm crushed right now.

Thank you!!!
I will get back into reading & responding to others soon, I'm just not in any shape to do that right now.

TPaschal,
I don't know much about parenting (no kids, by choice), but I agree with the other voices--DON'T give H your letter (your letter is not going to be successful in DBing, IMHO), and take your comments out of your son's letter except for maybe a very brief [Thoughts from S9, as dictated to TPaschal] sort of thing. Then if S9 still wants his dad to have the letter, have him address an envelope for it and send it to H's office. I think the less you have to do with it, the better.

You sound like a good mom to me, so I'm sure you will do everything you can to help your kids. I think you need to do your best to facilitate a relationship between your kids and their father, *without* getting yourself involved in those relationships any more than absolutely necessary.

As I said, I am the last person to turn to for parenting advice, so feel free to ignore; that's just my two cents' worth.

Best wishes to you in this difficult situation in which we all find ourselves.

Peace,
Dawn

Pam,

Thanks for listening, and for your support and encouragement.

I think what you said about having S9 address it is a good idea. I think I will ask him if he wants to handwrite a couple of sentences just saying something along the lines of: he wrote this, asked me to type it, and wants H to have it.

How old are your kids? And how old were they when your xh first left and the D happened? How did they handle things, and how are they now? Do they have a good relationship with their dad?

The kids are, of course, my biggest concern. They are hurting and struggling from all that's going on, and H keeps inflicting fresh wounds, as well.

S9 asked me the other night when the D would be finished, and I said probably a month or so. He said, "Well, I guess we won't be seeing Daddy anymore after that." I told him of course he would, that the schedule would stay about the same as it is now. He said, "I don't think I'll want to see him anymore after that." He feels so betrayed. I just held him and told him I understood how he was hurting and encouraged him to talk about how he was feeling. He did talk for a while. I just feel so lost as to how to help him. I can't MAKE H be a good dad.

I know I need to be strong for them, and right now it is very hard as I sometimes feel I am drowning.

T

Breton,

Yep, your sitch and mine have a lot of similarities, especially the much younger, psychologically messed up OW. But for all the problems they have, they do seem to be hanging in for a long time! This one plays the incredibly nicey-nice, sweet girl part to the hilt, but she is so incredibly manipulative and controlling. Someone on another thread recently referred to OW's as parasites, and I think it's very apropos. She IS a parasite.

I've followed your thread some, and was sorry to hear that your H filed. How are you? How is your daughter?

My H actually filed last summer, but as much as he likes to blame me for the D taking so long, it is actually his procrastination that has dragged it out. He would never admit that, or even agree with that, but it's true.

It's going to be finished in the next month or so, and my children and my in-laws are devastated. H has been incredibly nasty to his parents lately, and they are so depressed---feeling like they don't know who this man is. Join the club!!! (Well, they've been members since the day he dropped the bomb. This is NOT the man any of us knew for 39 years.)

I was a little confused (typo, maybe?) about your advice on the letters. Did you mean you wouldn't send either of the two letters? Or just send S9's and not mine? Just curious!

T

Dawn,

I knew even as I wrote it that there was a good chance I wouldn't send my letter, but I've done that several times---written down everything I need to get off my chest. I just don't usually send them to H anymore! (I think the last one I sent was this time last year.) I know it's not good DB'ing, but I guess right now I feel like it's too late for DB'ing anymore, anyway, so why not? But everyone here is right that he wouldn't "hear" it. It might even make him more distant or even more nasty to the kids. <sigh>

There's a chance that S9's letter may provoke an ugly reaction from H, as well, but S9 is insistent that he wants H to have it.

I am trying my best to facilitate a relationship between H and the kids while staying out of it as much as possible, but from the way H acts it is as if he is only seeing the kids out of obligation (and to show the courts that he is an involved dad), not because he really cares about them right now. And the kids feel it and are hurt by it.

Best wishes to you, as well. Kids or not, your advice is sound. Thanks for taking the time to read and give encouragement.

T

T,
Thanks for stopping in and posting on my thread! It's nice to know that I'm not the only one that has trouble making herself stop typing!

You are right; except for the kids aspect, our sitches are similar, right down to the college-age OW with issues, born around the time we started dating our H's. I think you are a little further down the road than I am, though.

I haven't written my H any letters since this mess started, whether given to him or not. I did, however, do an ENORMOUS amount of journaling, especially in the beginning. I was writing at least five pages a day, longhand. In the R conversation I had with my H tonight, every time I slipped up and said something about my thoughts or feelings, even though I was pretty calm the whole time, it came back to bite me on the butt.

H doesn't understand why I won't talk to him about anything but trivia...I explained that probably he doesn't talk to me for the same reason I don't talk to him: he doesn't trust me with his thoughts and feelings. He says talking to me is like playing a chess game (despite the fact that I just about perjure myself to avoid placing blame on him--not because I don't blame him, but because I don't think it would get me anywhere good to say so). I really wanted to tell him that I feel certain that anything I say to him can and will be used against me...but I bit my tongue.

Anyway, enough about me...I'm so sorry about what your kids are having to go through. That's about the only thing I'm glad of in my sitch--no kids to be put through the wringer through no fault of their own. My father died suddenly when I was seven and my brother was two, and my mother raised us alone. I have scars from the experience, because my mother has some issues, but she tried very hard not to let them affect us, and my brother and I turned out okay. I sometimes wonder how my life would have been different if my father had lived. I might have actually wanted kids if I hadn't been concerned about being the third generation in a row in my family to raise kids as a single parent. I'd probably still have scars, just a different set. Raising kids alone can be done, although it's really hard. I do hear, though, that it's hard even with both parents fully involved. I don't know if it's worse to have a parent who is touch-and-go, or have one completely missing. Neither sitch is ideal, but I suspect that it's always the ones left behind, who didn't have a choice, who suffer most...at least for a while.

Okay, I apologize, I've done a really poor job of making this about you rather than about me. Need to work on that. Very sorry! All I can do right now is to wish you strength and courage, and tell you that prayer helps.

It's 5 a.m. here and I really need to toddle off to bed now. I am adding you to my watched threads, and I hope you will come visit mine again soon. Take care of yourself, and know that you are strong enough to be the rock your children need while you wait for this, too, to pass.

Peace,
Dawn

Hey T,

Aren't you able to sleep? I was noticing the time of your posts and am hoping there is some other reason you are up at such an ungodly hour.

My H left when the kids were 13, 16, and 19. The oldest was already away in college. I worry most about the middle son. You see, the youngest one will go stay with xh some weekends (not many, but some), but the middle one refuses. He (middle son) works mainly in the evenings, so he misses all of the pop-ins that happen here despite my many requests for the xh to respect my house. So, he sees so little of his dad. I think it would be ok if xh hadn't been such a wonderful father up until that point. He was the best father I knew, so it is hard to come to terms with the shell we are left with. Xh doesn't seem to get that it is up to him to keep the relationship with his son going. He is the (ahem) mature one in this situation.

My kids expressed the same feelings as your son- they they didn't want to see their dad. My oldest son went to his dad's apartment for the first time just a couple of months ago. Middle son still refuses. But, like I said, the youngest one came around. It is now that he is getting older and wanting to do other things that he is not that interested in going.

Maybe that letter from your son will help him to open up dialogue with your H so your son can express his fears for the future.

I still sometimes feel like I am drowning, too. But, those times get fewer and farther between.

I got a text from my xh at 1 a.m.... telling me he missed me. I would have killed for stuff like that once. Now it just puzzles and annoys me. Before I would have analyzed it to death- "why is he thinking of me at 1 a.m?"..."Does he think of me a lot?"...etc. Now I know that those are just empty words on a screen. It is the actions that I need and will probably not get. So, I rolled my eyes, rolled over, and went right back to sleep.

Yes, T, you do need to be strong for your kids. But, don't forget to take care of you. What are you doing for YOU these days?

hugs,
Pam

Pam,

I can't remember for sure---how long has your H been gone? 5 years or so? And how long has the D been final? Was there an OW in your sitch, and if so, is she still around?

What's up with your xh sending text messages? How long did it take before he started trying to reconnect like that? Weren't you thinking for a while about reconciling? I guess, though, he hasn't made the changes necessary for that to happen?


Nope, I don't do much sleeping these days. I've always been a night owl, and always had a problem being a really light sleeper, but I used to be able to turn over and go back to sleep. Not anymore.

Now I usually fall asleep at 11 or 12, sleep a couple of hours, wake up, lay there trying to go back to sleep, then give up and get up and do housework or catch up on email or come visit the DB boards. Then I crash again at 5am or so for a couple of hours.

I have GOT to find a way to stop this, but I am reluctant to take Ambien or even Lunesta, as they make me feel groggy for hours after I wake up. Actually, I hate to take any kind of sleeping pills or meds that knock me out when I am the only adult in the house.

My kids were 12, 8, and 4 when H left. H, like your xh, was a wonderful father. He wasn't perfect, but he was very involved and caring. The kids, me, his house, and his dog---you know, the whole home and family deal---were the priority in his life. He adored his kids, and they adored him.

Now? This is Mr. Hyde. I completely understand what you mean about just being left with a shell of the person they were before. And my H has tried to reinvent himself so drastically that he doesn't even look like the same person.

Does your xh want to see the kids? Does he initiate contact? Does he call them? My H NEVER calls the kids. And I get the feeling the only reason he is being even somewhat consistent about taking them every other weekend right now is to look good for the judge. Will that get better or worse? I'm afraid that once the D is final, he will just drop off the face of the earth.

The two younger kids do sometimes have fun with him when they see him (he's still stuck in Disney Dad mode), but all three of them feel how different he is and it makes them uncomfortable. Also, he texts and talks CONSTANTLY with the OW, even right in front of them, and they hate it. He often asks if he can pick them up on Sat. morn. instead of Fri. night, and often tries to drop them off early. They ask me all the time why he is choosing to be with her instead of with them.

My D14 is ANGRY. She does not want to be with her father AT ALL anymore, though I do sometimes force the issue. He has been taking them to his apt. every other weekend, but she gives him a hard time and he gets angry, I guess because she makes him feel guilty and ashamed, so he has said she doesn't have to come anymore if she doesn't want to. H says D14 is old enough to stay on her own even if I'm going out for the evening. My response has mostly been, "Oh, yes, she does have to." My thoughts are---he has three children, not just two, and he has to face her.

Also, at 14 she is NOT young enough to stay on her own overnight, and it's not fair that I would never get a chance to be with my friends. As much as I love her, I need a break once in a while from her, too! I have friends who live about an hour away, and when I go visit I usually stay over night. I have a couple of single girlfriends I go out with, and sometimes we do stay out talking until the restaurant/bar kicks us out, or we go to a midnight movie. I also have a friend in NY who wants me to come for a weekend. So when would I ever get to do any of that?

Not to mention if I ever want to start dating! I know I'm not ready for that right now, and may not be for a while, but what if I am? What if I want to have someone come over for dinner? What if I want to stay out all night? I have no intention of regressing into a 19 year old, as H has done, but I do want the chance to have a personal life when I'm ready for it.

Maybe that sounds horribly selfish, but I do believe that I need time to be more than just a Mommy, in order to be a good Mommy. Ya know? I do pray about it a lot, and hope that my motivations are coming from the right place. I don't want to dump the kids on him to punish him, and I certainly don't want to damage them, but I do think that since this is the life he has chosen, he needs to deal with the consequences. And one of the consequences of divorce is---he gets to deal with the kids on his own every other weekend. Why should I always be stepping in to his relationship with D14 to lessen his guilt? Why should I always be bailing him out?

It's hard, though, because my D14 resents me for making her go. I wish I had the perfect solution.

Well, off to do some cleaning and grocery shopping. I'm looking forward to my friend (a former neighbor) and her kids coming tomorrow for the weekend, but it's going to be wild with six kids in the house and lots of extra guests stopping by to say hi!

Have a great day!

T

T, I wouldn't send either letter. If S wants to talk about things w/his dad, he should tell him. Just my opinion.

My ILs are also baffled and I suspect H's ties with them are minimal right now. But they have not rallied to my support to speak of.

As far as the head case OW, I figure maybe she is less screwed up than I thought, but I think she's every bit as immature as I might guess and then some, as friend told me this.

But then, H is off in la-la land and I think he will be there for a while. I am on a patio in the sun writing this, and feeling pretty peaceful. Life will go on.

It will be 3 years this fall. D was final late Feb.
OW? Ah...that is a complicated matter!
I don't think I have shared any of this at all. But, I will, as I know it helps me to fully understand another sitch as I watch it evolve (i.e. the text messages lately).

A few days before the D my H came here to talk. He wanted to postpone the D and try to start fresh by dating. He said he had some things to tell me though- we had to start with a clean slate and no secrets.

He said that he was seeing someone for some of that time, but it ended 6-7 months before. I was shocked, T! I mean, he was usually here. I would have never guessed he was capable of hiding such a secret. I asked who broke it off and he said that he did. He said that he knew in his heart that he loved me and that she just couldn't compare.

Anyway, that was a lot to absorb, but I asked the questions I needed to and then said that I wanted to put it behind me. I could have prolonged it but I chose not to...I just didn't care to.

He did postpone but then decided that he needed to start fresh with me and the D was necessary to do so.

It's been up and down since then. Too much to type here. He is on an upswing lately--- calling me by a nickname, texting, calling, etc. He keeps saying things like "I will always love you no matter what happens." Not sure what the "no matter what" means....
Again, I am weary of thinking and worrying about it.

Shoot, my sister is on the phone, so I will have to finish this up later.