Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? apparanetly, I'm also doing a crappy job as Dad

I wouldnt make it easy on her....if this is what she wants, then make her go get it. you stay in the house, she buffs up her apartment. I'm certainly no expert, but if she wants the D, then she makes that sacrifice. You both wont live in that house long term anyways and your kids will be going back and forth ultimately. I cant imagine living a separated lifestyle and both sharing the same building.

Well, shuttling the kids back and forth is the usual way. I/we were trying to think of ways that didn't put such a burden on the kids. Getting our marriage back on track is the first thing that comes to my mind, but, that's me

I think because I'm terribly undecided about what to do, I have ideas that don't fit neatly into either direction stay or go.

Dan

(((Dan)))

You need to let go of the anger. I've been told forgiveness gives more to the person that forgives than to the one forgiven. Can you bring yourself to forgive?

I completely understand the anger. I just think the anger is how you are handling the pain. You need to cry and feel and then let it go.

Not easy, I know.

Hi KJ. I don't feel angry. I'm not saying that I'm not angry, I just don't feel angry. I feel sad and tired and hopeful and excited, though not all about the same things. I'm sad when I consider not being married to my W. I'm tired of the uncertainty and of changing and growing and not seeing any results. I'm eternally hopeful because that's just who I am.

Dan

I wish I could change the title of this thread. Is it better to keep one thread going or to start another one. Maybe I'll just keep the two going.

It has been another amazing day. Amazing, but, also filled with more emotion than I've experienced in a while. I feel like some walls inside finally breached and stuff has come flowing out.

KJo, you were right, I have some anger. I spent the better part of my commute home going round and round and getting angrier and angrier and this feeds into a very scary and dangerous part of me. I interrupted this pattern by stopping on the way home to run an errand.

I just want to throw my hands up in the air. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm hopeful. I'm sad. I'm tired. I want to do things that I refuse to write.

How do I decide what to do? How do I decide when to stop? The info I have tells a certain story to me, but, W denies getting pregnant and denies having an affair. It sure looks to me like she needed to go have an abortion and that she is having an affair. What if I'm right? What if I'm wrong? Do I have to ignore all that?

She said it was over because of my snooping, but, that she can't see a lawyer until the kids are in school. Things have been much calmer and more normal since her pronouncement. The couple of days she was here without all the tension makes me want to try. Thinking about her going to the clinic and having an affair make me want to kick her to the curb and get on with my life without her. What if I could have a great life with her? How long should I try for that? I've put so much life into this relationship for so long, I'm worn out with trying. If not for these things, I could probably still generate the enthusiasm for DBing. But, I can't pretend these other things are just my imagination. If she was working on this too, I could keep on. I just keep thinking that from the beginning of our relationship if there was a problem, it was ultimately my fault. Now, I've changed completely and nothing seems to have changed in our R. From this, I conclude that I'm not the problem and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am the problem. I've spent 18 years working desperately to keep her. I've changed and grown originally to keep her. It often feels like I've done all the work for 18 years and I'm worn out. I don't have the energy for another marathon.


I suppose that I've become more selective about the bones that I respond to when she throws them. Still, if she threw the right bone, I'm sure I could find the energy. It's only that now, the bone is honestly working on our M and I don't see it.

I have an IC appt on Monday and until then I'm sure I'll be all over the map.

Dan

Hi (((Dan))) Just catching up.

Remember, only Dan can say when Dan has had enough. I am glad to see you are seeing a C, and I think that will help to solidify things in your mind.

The anger is normal, and I think sometimes necessary. I have had dreams about beating the SH*T out of my H, and anyone else getting in the way. Somehow, the anger cleans your soul, and makes it easier to handle everything else. You know this is not your fault.

Now is the time to find you. You seem to be doing a great job of that, but you will be a better person regardless of the outcome of the sitch. You have been working hard.

If you think there is nothing left you can do to save the M, then it is time. But do not make any snap decisions, and be 100% sure before you do anything. It really will depend on what you want.

I have a friend who posed this question: do you want to be with your W because you believe if you aren't, you have failed, or because you think it is the right thing to do, or do you want your M because you truly are in love with your W?

Just something to think about...

Lola

Very well said Lola. I was going to say the same thing Dan, you are the only one who will know when you are done. If you are asking yourself that question, then I don't think you are done yet. You do need to stop the snooping though. I did the snooping thing too and all it did was piss off H. I am proud to say that I haven't looked at his cell phone usage in months, not even interested in what it would show.

I understand if you are tired of working on your M. So stop and work on you and your kids. Make changes to that part of your life first. Who knows, W may notice and realize what she is missing out on.

Oooooohhh!!! You two <grrrr>

Craziest thing. Yesterday morning, I was sure that I was sure about what was going on and what I was going to do and all the rest. Then, I saw my W for a couple of hours during the afternoon and when she left, I asked for and gave her a hug. She is still quite pissed and she said something that just kind of clicked again with some things that MIL said. What I realized is that while I have grown immensely, it is in an area that isn't terribly relevant to the biggest problem we are having right now, how I deal with the kids. Hey, finally being a sociable person is great if I end up divorced. It doesn't matter as much in the relationships that are already established. Then, I got to thinking, What if I'm wrong? What if my wife has not done any thing unfaithful? What if she has? Am I ready to move on? So, I started thinking, what if I spent the next 6 months honestly applying the DB principles and worked 100% on creating the same kind of change in how I relate to and treat my kids as I have in how I relate to and treat adults? Might I find that in 6 months, W isn't quite so serious about D and might I find that things are improving and better between us? I might. What is the worst thing that can happen? What is the most that I can lose by spending another 6 months working on this? The only thing I can really say that I would lose is 6 months of living like I'm single again. My W is more than worth that and I truly am still madly in love with her. When I don't see her for a while, I start to forget and then I only think of how I'm getting screwed. When I see her for just a couple of hours, I'm smitten again.

26 weeks. Surely I can work hard at this for 26 weeks. If in 6 months, I've had real deep identity level change in these other areas and still there is nothing changing between W and I, then it will be time to move on. In either case, I will have transformed the relationship between my kids and I and that is something that needs doing regardless.

Yes, I need to stop the snooping. I'm doing much better on that front. I'm thinking that like the LRT, I need to approach this as if my marriage is already dead and gone. We have a MC appointment in just under 2 weeks. I'm not sure what that will bring. I really think that my only goal should be for us to have another appointment the following month and then to work my hind quarters off changing things with respect to the kids.

This then is the struggle, to lay hold of a vision and to pursue that vision not letting the circumstances or fear or doubt divert my actions from the pursuit of the vision.

(((LolaL))) (((Red)))
Thank you both
Dan

Dan...it is my pleasure. I know this is a tough road, but no matter what, we are here for you!!!

Only Dan can say when and Dan has spoken. Another six months? Sounds good to me.

I'm right there with you. I forced a hug from my W this morning at brunch. My kids love the new me. W has given me nothing. My best friends tell me exactly what I need to do, but they are learning that I will never do any of that. I support you hanging in there. Here's to the next six months. Here's to those of us who remember what real love felt like.

I snooped a little at first. Never liked what I found. For me, it is much better to not snoop. Lots of reasons.

Good Luck and thanks for posting your situation. I'm jumping in because I think you have some good positives and I need to learn. Thanks again. Lucas