Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Completely and utterly devastated--how to cope

Hi Daisy,

Thanks for your post! I will look at the book you suggested. I guess if we read these books with the mindset that they will help us in one way or another (with out without H :(), then maybe they are less "dangerous".

Funny thing is--don't know if you're the same--I never thought I was a control freak. I was pretty sure everybody loved the way I organized and got things done. I still think that some people do :), just not H...

Best of luck with everything, and I'll keep an eye on your posts and see how you're doing.

ITH

Hi Pisces,

Thanks for your post!

I'm really regretting the decision to do in-person counseling here, although the one positive from it is that it shows that H hasn't completely given up. We went last week, and I swear the counselor made it worse. He suggested seeing each other once every 2 weeks was too often, and even said the words, "you used to be in love with each other." H has never said he's not in love now; I am pretty sure this is how he feels, but he doesn't need to be led into this! I said how I hoped H would come visit while I was in Poland and that I'd love to share new experiences with him, and counselor said "H needs to decide that on his own, he might just not be ready." Really it was like the whole session was to validate and encourage his unhappiness with me.

We have 1 more session scheduled for tomorrow, then I leave for Poland. I am really wrestling with whether we should go or not. If I pull the plug on it, H is losing the 1 chance where he feels like he can truly open up (we used to fight a lot so he thought he couldn't talk to me), and it also looks like I am controlling.

On the positive side, H is talking to a DB coach regularly. He is not doing it with the express will to save the marriage, but at least it is someone marriage focused, so he won't get advice about seeing me less etc. He really, really wants to talk to someone on his own, and that was his own idea, so I'm pleased about it. In fact we are also going to have a joint phone session with a DB coach in a few weeks. This seems like a healthier counseling alternative for us at the moment.

Wow. That does not sound like a pro-marriage, solution-based counselor. Unfortunately, I can't think of a way to pull the plug on that now without it looking totally controlling to him. So, I guess you need to trust him to come to his own conclusions based on his experiences with you, in that counselor's office, and with the coach. So, as stressful as it is, it's something you can't control. Here's a thought for today:

Make a list for all of us of things that you stress about right now, including the marriage and all of its' problems, worries etc. Then, make a list of the things in THAT list that are out of your control. Then, show us what is in your control. Worry about those things.

Hi BH,

Thanks for your response. I was staying in our house for 3 nights while H was out of town on a biz trip (great for me to spend time with the pets!). So this morning, as he's coming home today, I left a note, very generic with bullet points about what time I fed the pets etc. (don't worry-no ILY, or miss you or anything scary like that!), and then signed off with "see you at counseling tomorrow morning unless you decide you would rather just stick with our phone sessions instead of getting all of these counselors in the mix--anyway completely up to you--your call." Now I wonder if I should have done that, but once he did say that maybe it would be better not to go between different counselors. This way it is his call still, and he can ignore my note completely, or ask me my opinion later, maybe will wonder why I would want to cancel counseling when he knows how much saving the marriage means to me...might not be such a bad thing.

OK so I can't stress about that note anymore...

What I do stress about now:

*What it will be like when I get back from Poland in October--it can't go back to normal immediately, but I don't think I can stomach the thought of another 3 months apart
*Whether we are going on the birthday trip in September
*The advice that H is getting from his mom and coworkers--he really, really listens to his mom
*What I will do here in Ireland if things don't work out, what is my escape plan
*How long do I wait around?
*Will H go to Boulder with me?
*When can I be more productive at work again?


So of these things, I guess the ones in my control are: being more productive at work (though I don't feel mentally capable right now), how long do I choose to wait around--no cut and dry answer, but still this is my choice, escape plan--somewhat in my control if things don't work out there will be massive financial concerns.

If only I could see a little bit of progress somewhere, I feel like I might lighten up a bit!

One thing I didn't mention though, and not sure if it's worth anything or just me being obsessive is that H had his call with a DB coach last night. Immediately afterwards he got on im and started chatting with me, wondering how soon he could get another session. He asked me to call him if the im disconnected, so I called him. He made a little bit of small talk about what were the dogs were doing etc., then said he was going to bed. IM came back on, and in this he called me by my pet name and said bye. OK, me being obsessive, but at least the session with the DB coach seems to have done something for his mood...

ITH

H always (well post-bomb) said he wanted to separate, get lots of space, miss me etc., to be separate but in contact. So he has made no warm overtures or anything, but is ALWAYS contacting me via IM. I really never start the contact unless there is something actually critical, like about the pets or a large expense.

Yesterday he was on a biz trip and chatted for about 15 minutes about this restaurant he'd been to and how much he liked it. The day before it was about the review his boss had given him at work, last night it was about setting up IC sessions for him (which ended in him using my pet name), and today it is about whether we can afford sailing lessons for him. Today's conversation makes no sense to me, just started out about whether we had money for the lessons, and I said we were tight but as he's always wanted to do it we should make it work (to validate that the things he wants to do are very important--I never did this before). Then he mentions his business trip next week, he only said "OK so next week in Germany", nothing else. I waited awhile, as this seemed to need a response (I'll be staying at the house while he's gone),then I finally respond with--oh right for 2 nights or something? Then he just says "something like that", and that he's running to the store for something. I fully expect he'll come back soon and start some other random conversation about being hungry, or needing to do laundry...

OK, again, I know I am being obsessive and reading too much into each little thing that he does instead of worrying about myself (I promise though--I am also worrying about myself!), but I really just want to get another perspective on this kind of contact. Does it seem positive, neutral, etc.? I haven't made any major slip-ups, no R talk, no ILY, no asking him to do anything, no I miss yous, no jealous questions about what he does in his free time. I just don't understand what he is trying to get out of these conversations with me. It's very difficult to read someone's tone electronically :). For my part I always insert playful emoticons like thumbs up and dancing symbols to keep the mood light and playful, but I am just so confused...I don't know whether all of this is a good or bad thing, or whether he just feels guilty for things and that he should be talking to me? Maybe his DB coach suggested some actions; whatever she did say to him, he really seemed to be in need of another appointment as quickly as possible!

OK time to go back to work and quit obsessing!

ITH

Your last sentence is the best one.

Don't analyze, because you can't read his mind. I say don't turn cold on him, but also recognize that he may be just staying with something familiar for comfort. Sailing lessons? Hmmmmm. Did he just experience some sort of upheaval, like a crisis, death of someone close, or something? Sounds like it may be depression mixed with MLC possibly. Maybe not. Either way, it's out of your control.

Did you notice how small the list of things you should worry about became?

Hi ISH

I think I confused you a little. I don't mean to say that you are a control freak just that you like to have things planned and that you want to know what is going to happen in advance. I'm the same way. My friends call me "high strung" You might be totally different than me I just thought I saw some similarities. Anyways when I read the book I started to get it and saw that in my husbands eyes I was becomming a bit of a control freak with the planning, questions about events far away, asking him what he was doing when he was out with friends, trying to arrange every last detail. My husband is waaaay more laid back about these things and so we would clash and I never understood why. Now I do.

I think it really works well with the teqniques in DB about GAL and doing 180's. Which you certainly are doing! I think this other books just helps more with mental perspective and understanding things in that way.

Good luck!!!

Hi Daisy,

Don't worry--I didn't think you were calling me a control freak! I'm just starting to think that I am one :), at least in some situations. What you are saying about yourself sounds SO similar to me. I always need to know about events in the future, always needed to know about H's plans, and hated it when he'd have a spontaneous night out. I needed to arrange the whole weekend too.

My new plan, and in a way maybe this is still control, is to not have a plan at least one day per week, and to choose specific things to try not to control. For example it is EXTREMELY difficult for me not to know whether H and I are going on his birthday trip next month. It is now my plan, like a game almost, to try not to mention it for as long as possible. I also don't know if we will be spending time together this weekend, and my usual approach would be to somehow at least insinuate the need to see each other. When I see him for counseling tomorrow, I will not ask any leading questions about weekend activities. This is another plan I guess, with me controlling my own activity, but not the situation...I think in a way I'm not giving up control here, but learning to control myself. Hopefully this is a positive step...

Thanks for posting!
ITH

ITH- you are doing great. if he is talking to a DB coach that is amazing! trust that he will find his answers.....you dont need to "prove" anything...just work on you and be the best you. also- i think in therpay tomrrow- if the counselor starts to get very negative or in the past...say somthing about positives and SOLUTIONS.

that being said- you also need to only focus on the present and current times. do no try to project the future. it will make you nuts. anytime i started doing that i would really get depressed and wacky. if i stayed present, literally today or this hour...then i was fine. that gets better over time...i know you are moving away so thats harder...but try to just focus on the now.

i think you have so many positives going for your sitch...

listening and validating is an amazing tool- i truly think that saved (is saving) my M.

Ugh I think I had a relatively small but painful backslide.

I went out to dinner, and left my computer on to see whether H would IM me. He did, only to say that he can't make the counseling session tomorrow as something urgent came up for work. So I just called all friendly to ask what was up, and he explained why he couldn't make it, fine. Then I said I was leaving the country Thursday (wanting him to realize how soon I'll be gone), and he just said in an exasperated voice, "I know", then "maybe we'll catch lunch or something this weekend, we'll see"--he never talks like this, "let's catch lunch". I know I sounded upset at the way he said this. I am his wife, not some girl that he just met. It is so painful right now that I want to scream! He asked what was wrong, and I said nothing, just that I had plans Sunday, so it would have to be Saturday if we did meet up. I was not very cool. Then he asked again about having weekly sessions with the DB coach (remember he doesn't think of it as DB therapy--only someone to talk to), and I said I would set them up. Yes--controlling, but in this case he actually has asked me to. So, I called to set them up, tried to IM him to check on the times, but he turned off IM during the conversations, so then I called again just to let him know I'd set up the appointments and make sure the times were OK. This conversation was better, though I shouldn't have had it. He sounded so cold and distant, and last night he sounded so warm (relatively) and nice. I want so much just to get on the train and go home and climb into bed with him and cry. I really don't know how much more of this I can take. I can absolutely see why people choose divorce. This is so incredibly painful, especially with someone who has no real incentive, like I do, to keep the marriage going--he has no support network pulling for th marriage--unlike me, where I have told everyone I want the marriage to work, and that my H is a good person and I won't speak badly of him.

I just can't help but feeling that if I talked to him I could really get through to him, rather than all of this ignoring him and trying to avoid him bit. It's so counterintuitive right now and I just feel sick, and am completely dreading the weekend. Now if he does call me, it will likely be out of guilt, not excitement to see me. Isn't there a way to get them to see past this fog??? There is no OW in my case, but I really worry there will be once I leave...

ITH