Hey there everyone. How did things go with the MC. A shot of whiskey in the car before going in helped.
I got what I wanted, but, not what I had hoped for. My goal going into MC was to get W to come back next month and to postpone a D for 6 months. She agreed to both which is good. I wanted the woman that wanted a hug from me on Sunday to show up and to have softened her position.
We did not go out afterward as we have in the past and the discussions were a rehash of the old hash of how everything is my fault and it always has been my fault. The woman who was at my house on Sunday for her birthday party who wanted a hug is my sweetheart. I love her and I always will love her. The person that showed up today who will swear until the end of time that she is not a victim and yet blames all the bad things in life on other people is the person that I want to get away from.
Of course we had to deal with my snooping and that there is no trust from either of us to the other. Things got semi-heated a couple of times.
W talked about my snooping including how she has another cell phone given to her by a male friend who assured her that she should be able to make a phone call free of the fear of being snooped upon. Followed by a rant about how I had snooped on her computer.
I talked about how she wasn't trustworthy. Promises to be home by 2300 only to find her getting home at 0230 from the bar were good examples. Her rejoinder was that she hadn't done that in months. I meant to bring up the weekend in the mountains that she didn't pay for, but, I forgot and it probably doesn't really matter.
I think that there is enough pain and hurt to go around. I can admit to the things that I've done while W can only justify and deflect the responsibility for the things that she has done.
I thought through reasons why I'm not snooping on her now. 1) I never felt better for knowing more. 2) If we are finished as she says, why would I care what my xW was doing.
We spent a good bit of time talking about school for the kids and W registered the kids in the district where she lives, but, that may collapse if the landlord won't back her up that the kids live with her some of the time.
We talked about D and joint custody and how we would manage that. W talked about how she saw that she needed to spend more time with the kids. I meant to say that the joint custody plan we had been thinking of, that we would have a family home where the kids live and the parents would take turns living there every other week, was something that we could start doing even without a D except that W works nights and so that is not possible. When I think about DB and working hard to possibly save this M, I would run from implementing something like this because it seems like it would make a D easier. When I'm upset and tired from being in limbo and being for all intents a single Dad without the opportunity to move on and tired of the mess and responsibility of the kids, then I want a shared custody pattern to be established sooner.
Sigh, there are people here who are hurting and who I know wish that they were in MC with their spouse and others who hardly even converse with their spouse. I almost feel guilty for being so frustrated with our current state of affairs.
Here I am trying my best to LRT and GAL and go dark as best I can with three kids. I have found that when I quit snooping, things are better because all that more information does is give my B.S. imagination fuel. So, all I asked was if she was working tonight and she just had to tell me that she was going camping. !#$^%%^@#@ I wish that she would STFU and just not tell me. OH!! Get me out of this limbo land I know that God is well able to fix us and I know that I am working hard on changing and I know that what she is doing is none of my business, so why is she making it my business?? I hate her for that.
Pant, pant, pant.
DEEEEEPPPP Breath.
Remember, I'm going out tonight and I'm going to have fun and no matter what happens in the next year, I'm going to be OK.
DAN!!!! In through the nose, out through the mouth...
Remember, be careful of what you ask because you might get the answer...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I have been reading this book called the Power of a Praying Wife, and the author also wrote the Power of a Praying Husband. Her name is Stormy O'Martian. This book is really great. I think sometimes we don't always know how to pray for our spouse. I mean, we can say bless them, or watch over them, but to get really specific is hard. I have struggled with how to do it, what to say, what I am allowed to pray for, yada yada.
Anyway, this book has helped me realize that there are things that as a spouse, I can pray for. Like I can pray that my H stays away from OW, and that if there is anyone who is interfering in any way with my M, I can pray that they stay away (whether it be his friends or mine).
If you get a chance, check it out. It is a book and a workbook. I have seen results since I started using it, small ones, but results nonetheless.
(((Dan)))
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Just journaling here. It's kind of funny to look at how I felt on Friday and how I feel today. Friday was full of stress, Saturday and Sunday less so. I let my situation with my W effect my emotional state too much. Saturday, the kids and I rode bikes around the lake. Today, we went over to visit W's Aunt and Uncle and had an enjoyable couple of hours. As the evening progressed tonight, I found myself getting stressed about W calling to talk to the kids. I got a text from her last night that the coverage was poor where she was at and that she would talk to the kids tonight. When she called tonight, we talked about getting D12 registered for school and how they aren't convinced that the kids are actually living with W and should be in that school district. I mentioned what I had done to get her registered and W commented "Oh, so you screwed things up." So, once again, anytime anything is wrong, it is automatically my fault. I didn't yell and scream, so I guess that I'm maturing and learning to handle this better. I'm sometimes troubled in that at times it seems like DB is about becoming apathetic to our spouses. I don't want to not feel for my W, I want to be treated respectfully and lovingly and to be able to reciprocate.
Piggybacking on our MC and that I have a 6 month window for improvement and DB. I thought that I would talk to my counselor who is well familiar with DB. I'm in a place where I really need a DB coach. I don't know if my current MC can act in that capacity or if she would be uncomfortable doing so. However, I thought that I would make an appointment for myself with our counselor for a couple of weeks from now and try and map out a game plan based on her knowledge of us and our situation. I'm hoping that she can see 180s etc. that will be effective. Then, I will schedule our next MC appointment and my plan is to have to work late or to get caught in traffic and to either show up very late or miss the appointment entirely so that W has the session to herself. I will run this past my MC for her thoughts first, but, I'm a little bit lost on what to do and how to maximize the time that I have available.
I swear, sometimes I think that the thing that would help me the most right now would be to have a handful of ONS over the next few months while I am in the process of trying to rebuild this M better faster stronger. I won't because I believe my W would be badly hurt and I would have compromised my own commitment and honor. Now, I need to figure out what about the idea seems useful and find an acceptable way to achieve the same end.
Oh, and W feels like she is single handedly getting the kids registered for school. Well, she is the one with the time during the day so, it makes sense. Sometimes I just want to scream at her. She acts as if this is a major burden as far as I can see, it has involved downloading and filling out some forms and visiting the two schools, arranging for and attending the kids' physicals. I was at the physicals too and if she wasn't handling things, I would have done it myself. I guess what bugs me is that compared to what I handle every day at work, that is a little thing and she talks about it and seems to have an expectation of being treated like she has slain a dragon. I don't know whether to buy into her evaluation of the difficulty of the project or keep up my current path of mumbling polite acknowledgments of her workload.
I think that we stand a chance if I can get us to friends. That said, I don't know how things can work out without her personal growth as well. I cannot give up and I'll come here and cry when I need. Oh, I did break into tears when reading picses9's plan to get matching tattoos when things are right again. I do so hope we can end up under the needle.
I'm hoping to get a call tomorrow setting up a phone interview as the first step toward a job working entirely from home. I'm a computer guy for a large financial company and things are looking like half of our department will be going away in the middle of next year. This would really help out with trying to manage the kids and I have always wanted to have my office at Starbucks
Just a question that I thought of when reading your posts. Do you feel that you back off in the relationship (in the past and/or now) as you wanted your wife to be happy and didn't want to stand in her way or say no as you thought that would make her unhappy?
Hi Julia, I guess I'm not understanding your question. Are you asking if I backed off to try and make W happy and for the same reason I don't want to stand in her way or say no? The answer to that is yes. For the better part of 18 years, anytime I felt that our R might be threatened, I rolled over and capitulated.
I can remember many times W trying to get me to not be so clinging and needy, but, I could not do it. Before we were married, she tried to break things off a couple of times, but, I pursued her and at the time, I treated her much better than any man had to that point. Now, she sees me through the lens of my failures and it has been a long long time since she has had a negative reference experience from another man
These days, compared to most women her age, she is very attractive and in shape and gets attention appropriate to that reality. When she was 23, she was just another pretty face and didn't get nearly the same attention. So, she gets nothing but positive attention.
I'm growing up and I'm not willing to roll over and accept responsibility for everything especially when I can now see that W has that amazing ability to reframe every interaction and thing that she does so that it is either justified, not really a problem, or my fault. I'm completely clueless how this particular dynamic is going to work itself out. But, I'm going to DB myself into the man I want to be and see if that draws her back. If not, I will move on.
Just a quick update. W called me this morning to ask me to pass on to the kids that she wouldn't be stopping by today as she has to work much earlier than normal and to ask how I wanted her to proceed with respect to D12's school registration. I told her that I would like her to go and talk to them that way there would be no accusation that I screwed things up and that I would pursue other options in case things fall through with her getting registered in the school district where W lives. She gave good advice for how to stretch my lower back which has been bothering me for a couple of weeks and while I've been studying lifting and stretching for 25 years, I just listened to her and tried to make her feel that I appreciated her input. I didn't say anything about her camping trip this weekend and we ended things a nice friendly conversation.
One thing that I remembered from last night, W asked the kids if we went to church and they replied that I was too tired. Yes, I was tired which tends to happen when you go to sleep at 0400 after a night out on the town. W asked me about being to tired and I felt like she was wanting to know what I was up to, but, I just blamed it on my back etc. I didn't mention that I went out and had my Mom come and stay with the kids. So, I guess I'm learning to detach. Sadly, I still have to make a mental effort to not check her bank records, cell phone records and e-mail. What I mean is that every time I go to those web sites, I find my fingers wanting to automatically type her login credentials. I have however, not snooped since. I wouldn't say that it's getting easier, but, it isn't any harder than any other day.
Dan: you are doing a great job. It is a tough situation that you are in, but you have done some really hard work. Remember, baby steps. The fact that your wife gave you some advice means she is getting a little more comfortable talking with you. Keep up the good work!!!
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
