I think your post above shows that you have a really good perspective on things. I know eveyone says it but only you will know when you are done. Keep going until that time and the renewed relationship with your kids is a huge reward!!
Thanks again everyone. Saturday night was fun. I took the kids up and spent some time visiting my Mom and then put the kids to bed and drove 7 miles farther North to Ft. Collins to meet up with an online friend Aaron. We took a trip around the historic downtown area bars and had fun talking to people(mostly pretty girls). Sunday morning, the kids and I hurried home and got ready and headed to church. After church, we got doughnuts and I got one and a coffee for W. Left the treat at her work and went home. I was tired and should have taken a nap. Instead, I spent a bunch of time on the computer. I need to learn to set limits for myself.
On Sat. I sent W a text about D12 telling her D12 asked me to pick her up some deodorant at the store. I asked W when D12 had grown up. I was trying for a good reaction. W replied back on Sun that she had been wearing it for a year. I sent a text asking if she got her treats and she said thanks. I'm not sure if I need to stop all of that, some of that, or none of that. I think the little gifts like that without the romantic overtones can be helpful in small doses. I probably need to leave that alone for a while. Not sure about that sitch.
I met my my IC today. He listened to my story about finally throwing off the fear of people and becoming sociable and about attention I'm getting from the single women as I go about life and he summarized things at the end that a) I'm going through things I should have gone through as an adolescent and b) what I'm really looking for is intimacy. I was pretty much blown away by what he had to say. He hit the bullseye.
I normally go at least a month between appointments, but, this time I have another one for next Monday. I want to talk about how I can transform how I interact with the kids. I'm tired of being the petty tyrant at home and the cool laid back guy everywhere else. It feels like I'm 2 people and I don't like it at all.
It takes a conscious decision to not snoop on her. I haven't since I think Friday. Maybe I did some early Saturday, before deciding to continue DB, but, nothing on Sunday or today. I'm really trying to detach and focus on the problem with the kids.
I have Mom semi-committed to coming down and watching the kids once a week and I really don't care what day, as long as I can get out by myself. It would be real nice to have some friends nearby to go and do stuff with, but, until I can build a nice social circle, going to the bar and being social will do.
I'm there with you Dan. Here's to the next 6 months. Let's drink to that. Blackberry Merlot all around for my friends!
You do love your wife and I love my h. My C said not to give up yet and we aren't. WE are going to work our buts off and get stronger.
Here's to your happiness Dan. I can feel the changes that are coming.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Thanks KJo. I'll throw back a double of tequila. I strangely seem to be developing a taste for tequila. I almost think I could drink it neat with maybe a splash of lime juice. Call me weird.
This morning was a tough one. Something drug my thoughts back to a bunch of the intel I gathered, Oh Boy!! PAIN TIME!! Then, I got to play a nice little conversation in my head of our next MC session.
I've decided that I'm sick and tired of waiting for her to ever apologize for anything. Everything is either my fault or I shouldn't be hurt by it because a normal person wouldn't feel that way. In the past, I always folded under this dynamic. As I grow in myself, I'm starting to see what she has been doing and to realize that while not perfect, I'm a pretty exceptional husband. Because she sees nothing wrong with her behavior, my willingness to forgive and that I still love her in spite of all her crap isn't seen as something special at all. Not that any one else on this board could relate :P
In wanting her to acknowledge that she has hurt me badly along the way even as I accept responsibility for hurting her. She seems unable to accept that she could hurt someone else, so, our discussions devolve into a competition to see who was hurt worse, blah blah blah. It is a cheeseless tunnel for sure and I'm tired of it.
I'm not sure where all this leads. My biggest fear isn't that we go our separate ways, it is that I grow and become the man that she is wanting and yet she can't or won't grow to be who I need her to be and that for my own sake I have to leave. It's probably a wee bit premature to be worrying about that one.
(((Dan))) Don't get ahead of yourself, big boy. Have a couple more Tequillas if you need to. Stop fortune telling and filling in the blanks.
One day at a time, one hour at a time, 5 minutes at a time. We will get through this. Breathe, Breathe!
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Thanks KJo. Today was interesting. I finally got a call back from a friend who has helped me deal with previous parts of my story and has the sordid background to understand the bad place my angry was headed. He had some insights into my W and her upbringing that help things a little. He said that he kept wondering when I was going to get angry....
Then, work work work. Then, home to a new behavior with the kids. Things were trucking along pretty well then I got broadsided. My son told me a story about how Mommy was fishing and caught 2 walleyes on the same double hook. Oh [censored]!! It nearly overwhelms me with something to even type about it. I can't even go there. Just gotta detach.
I have not snooped, not even a little bit, and I didn't yell at the kids today. I gave myself a gold star. Seriously, I will give myself a star on the calendar for every day I can not yell at the kids and spend time with them instead of hiding in my bedroom.
Whoops, I see I got censored. I'm used to a couple other boards where the words that are censored aren't the 4 letter kind.
I'm finding that my ADD meds mess with how much rest I get and so if I take them every day I get b'tchy and if I don't take them at least every other day I get b'tchy. So, perhaps every other day will work.
One friend described how a relationship ended as it was like she died of cancer. It just slipped away. That is my greatest fear in the world, not that we have some huge explosion, but, that W just slips away into a new world. I haven't seen her since Saturday and I know there are people who haven't seen their S in much longer, it feels like she is slipping away. I want to make her angry with me just to know there is still emotion there. We talk every day, mostly about the kids. ARGHH!! I just want that darned fast forward button. Going to celebrate W's birthday on Sunday. I was asking if she was coming to church and she didn't know if she'd be up by then. I kept trying to get a commitment and then I realized it was too much. I told her, "I'm not trying to pressure you." to which she replied that I was pressuring her. I just let her know that I wasn't going to say anything to the kids and that we would celebrate on Sunday. Then, she said that she wanted to celebrate right after church. Of course, that had to mean that she was making plans with someone else for the evening, right. I disgust myself sometimes at my inability to see anything but the worst possible interpretation of a situation. No wonder I'm here
Sometimes, thank God for my morning commute. I can cry and sob and assault myself with angry music and then by the time I get to work, things are stable.
Then, to top off the day. An acquaintance and a friend of his were struck by lightning a couple of days ago. The friend died on the spot and Marc died last night. We weren't close, but, in a way we were because of the way we were acquainted. It isn't helping life right now.
YES, in spite of all of this and even through the pain. It's still an amazing life and it was an amazing day.
My S is having a sleepover next door, so I took the girls to the grocery for an adventure of getting food for dinner. The little one wanted to carry the basket and we had fun.
Hello all. Last night the kids and I were over at my daughter's best friend's house for her friend's "Cast away" party. Catherine broke her arm riding her bicycle a month or so back and just got her cast off.
My W and Catherine's mom Elizabeth got together last summer for a girls night out and W proceeded to pour out her frustrations. I had an interesting discussion with Elizabeth. She advised me to treat my wife like she had her head cut off I should be pleasant and upbeat, but, otherwise tell her nothing about my life and what I'm doing that it would only provide ammunition for her. I noted that this is very nearly the same strategy as DB/DR.
She also noted that everyone who knows of our situation is surprised that W can walk away from the kids the way that she has. She was commending me for being there with the kids. When I expressed some surprise at that, her comment was that it is less normal for the Dad to be focused on the kids than the Mom and that none of the Moms that she knows could do what my W is doing and walk away from the kids in this way. Elizabeth remembered from her conversation with W that it seemed as if W felt like motherhood was thrust upon her and that she didn't really choose it. So, now there are two women inhabiting my W. The one enjoys being a Mom and wants the white picket fence world and the other is still a 23 year old party girl and wants that unhindered life.
Another insight that I had recently was that my FIL is an alcoholic with a gambling problem who took the family into bankruptcy twice before my MIL divorced him and had multiple affairs. At the risk of playing amateur shrink, it makes a certain sense now why W is continually finding hard drinking men to have as friends, they are like Dad. Given some of these behaviors, I'm really not sure how likely a reconciliation is, but, I'm not going to stop until February.
It's hard sometimes to think that I can do everything right and things may still not work out in the way I want them to because I can't control both sides of the equation. In either case, I'm starting to see in myself that I'm becoming more attuned to my responsibilities as a Dad to the kids without seeing it all through W's eyes and perceptions. I'm starting to act instead of react to her.
I don't know, it's all been revelatory to me.
Was supposed to go out with a friend tonight, but, he had to cancel. Somehow, I will make the best of it
OK, quick update. Still not snooping. Trying REAL hard to DB/LTR real good.
Friday night was my son's last gymnastics meet. He took second in the all around competition, NICE. It was both great and horrible to see W. I was busy exchanging text messages with my friend Aaron. W asked if I'd like it if she was snooping through my text messages. I replied that I probably wouldn't, but, she is more than welcome to look through them. I felt confident saying that even though there are plenty of text messages that would probably piss her off, because I was virtually certain that she would not take me up on that offer. W always looks amazing and that is a serious problem. I always want to be affectionate and physical. When we were leaving the gym, I motioned for and received a quick hug which was nice. The kids were all going to spend the night with friends and I went out. I didn't say a word to W about what the kids were doing or where I was going.
I went out to the same downtown bar I went to when my friend from Australia was in town and had a fun evening.
Saturday was the memorial service for my friend killed by lightning. It was very moving. Marc was a heck of a guy and I wish that I'd had the chance to know him better. After the memorial I had a chance to have dinner with the couple that runs the e-mail list through which I knew Marc. So, that was an enjoyable time also.
I got up this morning and started getting things ready for W's birthday celebration. It was mostly for the kids. I did my best to apply no pressure. I made her favorite cake and then made burgers and strawberry banana smoothies and steamed green beans and watermelon and cantaloupe. I also had a shot of whiskey just as she arrived to help me maintain my peace during her visit. Things went well. I was calm, the kids had issues and W wanted to know what was the cause of their problems. I haven't pointed out to her that her being gone is likely a good part of the problem. In either case, she did some laundry and got some of her things as she stored her things here being between places.
I was busy ironing shirts as she was finishing up getting ready to leave. W had been packing the car for 30 minutes while I ironed. Then, she asked if I would help her carry some things to the car. She could have easily taken 2 trips. She thanked me sincerely for the lunch etc. and then stepped in and gave me a hug. I told her that it was good to see her and she replied that it was good to be seen. I broke off the hug first. I think this one is very important for me. I've always been the one doing the smothering. SO, this is the 180 for me. I wanted a kiss, but, was content with the hug as it was obvious that she wanted to give me a hug. I think that she also uses these moments to decide if my heart still belongs to her or if I've moved on. I'm not saying any more. In fact, I'm not saying much to her any more. If she asks, I'll tell a little about what's going on in my life, but, I offer nothing and I'm learning to ask nothing.
We have our MC on Thursday. I haven't the foggiest idea what to say in our session. I've gotten some good insight recently, but, I'm not sure that raising it helps. It sometimes feels like talking about her issues is counter-productive. If she brings up divorcing me, I suppose I will reply that it isn't what I want, but, I can't control what she does and I'm going to keep working on me. The one thing I have as a goal for our meeting is a commitment from her to come again next month. If I can get her to keep coming to counseling and not file in the next month, I will be happy.
I'm starting to feel comfortable with being a single-dad. The intimate personal side of things is quite the b*tch, but, the getting comfortable with caring for the kids is coming together. A couple of people have pointed out to me that W is asking for me to be as interested in the kids and caring for them as a stereotypical mother would be, all while she has next to abandoned them. It messes with my mind a bit.
Another amazing day. Don't be strangers. We all want a little love in our threads
It sounds like you did an amazing job and things went really well. I think the hug at the end was a really good sign. Keep doing what you're doing as it seems to be working!
