We didn't want to divorce. We are heartbroken about the loss of our family, the extended family, the dinners together, the love we dreamed of and lost, despite our best efforts.
What we have left is our beloved children. They become our priority. We try to normalize their world for them rather than make the "tragedy" continue for them all their life.
We try to define "family" in a new way for them so they don't feel like the pariah at school, so they don't feel like the outcast, so they can go forward with confidence and know they are loved by both their parents.
We try to make it okay because that's what we, as parents, are supposed to do.
Don't come in here with all that "they won't be okay, it isn't okay crap."
Don't you think we can generate enough negativity on our own? Or from other people, like you, who remind us of how tragic our lot in life is?
We NEED to find the positive. We need to make it okay--what are the alternatives? Of course we know we have to co-parent well with the ex and take our focus away from the OP--that's DB 101. Forgive my irreverence but DUH--of course it takes hard work--the hardest work we've ever had to do is to turn this pile of shite we've been handed into something our families can cope with. We are seasoned veterans over here trying to make it okay for our children. Saving our marriages is not an option for us here on the surviving board but saving ourselves and our children from a life of having a hole in our hearts is within our grasp. Are you really naive enough to believe that keeping a bad marriage together (infidelity, cruelty, fighting) will spare the children emotional troubles down the road? I can assure you, it will not.
I have lots of suggestions about how to help the children not just survive, but thrive in a divorce situation, but I'm too busy being a mom right now and frankly, too peeved at your negativity, to get to it now.
Love to all us brave souls. Althea
p.s. Just saw Hellboy II with the kids yesterday and it was AWESOME!!!!!
I believe you are attempting to paint a picture of your sitch and in that context, I absoluetly agree.
The people on the BB have been delt different hands. There are similarities and there are differences between every situation. A very high percentage of the DB posters are here for the greater good. They throw their heart and soul into the DBing process and discover miracles about themselves. Some are fortunate enough to save a crumbling relationship. Children, in broad terms, are best raised in a loving home with their biological parents. But that is as far as I dare go.
The difficulty is for each individual situation to conform to another. It isn't possible. There are too many personalities and too many variables that come into play. I believe this is the thorn raised by this thread. These are very personal issues and instances. We all have tried our damndest, but our partners were not on the same page for a wide range of reasons. We all know who we can control.
Your opinion is valid sg. It fits your situation and I believe you stated that clearly. I think even Michelle writes that at some point we need to do what is best, whatever "best" may be.
Not all M's will be saved, we're testaments to that. All of those that can, should be.
What do you find is helping you get your children through the divorce?
Prayers, prayers, prayers. God shook my Comfy fence for a reason, so I make sure He knows I hear him.
I find that open communication helps the most in my case with my son(9 years old) and my daughter(7 years old)
Our Feelings journal has been a God send to us.
I call in the troops. My parents, my brothers, my sister, my frieneds.
I call in the troops when I see that they have been down, and maybe need someone else to talk to besides me.
My family and I, with help of others in our community have helped set up a divorce care group in my kids school.
They go to a therapist, and their school counselor. Their teachers, and principal know I am divorced, well they have been spoken to, before the actual divorce.
They also have an eye on things.
Quote:
Do you have another person involved with you or with your ex.....
Do you mean if I am in an R? No I am not, and I have been a few dates, but no man has ever met my children. They won't for a very long time either. I am focused on their well being for now. My children are not ready for that. Their father has shoved the GF down their throats, and they don't like her at all.
So that is another set of issues, b/c we do not co parent very well. So I have to be mom and dad.
What is not working with this, is that My kids are upset and jealous. The X spends more time with her 3 children than with our kids.
They get upset with him, they have told him they don't want to go to her house, or spend time with her, but he just buys them something new and says Oh I bought you a great surprise but you have to go to Susan's house to see it.
Soo, I think they are used to the manipulation. They sort of just wait for it.
But they adore him, no matter what. Their face lights up when he beeps that horn in a way that he does not even deserve most of the time.
But, I am happy they do love him that much. That is their papi. One day he may snap out of the selfishness and make his children beyond happy.
I pray for their relationship.
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
Please SG don't remove this! I need to know what I might have to face. I need to know what to expect by people who have been there, both good and bad. I need the stories from the front lines. Please don't remove it.
Gman Me 40 W 30 kids B 11 B 10 D 8 Been here off and on since 06. PA Confirmed Dec 08.. With God, anything is possible. Do or do not there is no try. Sometimes you have to roll the hard six...
My twins were 12 when X left - about a week shy of their 13th birthdays. I know there's no good time for a D where kids are concerned, but it's my opinion that for boys, 13 is the worst possible time.
I had a hard time with one of them. T1 lashed out at me. T2 went inward and would not under any circumstances talk about it. But he didn't do wrong things. I could tell though that he was sad. No smiles. My X was in la-la land and was of no help to those boys at a time in their lives when they really really needed him.
When I started dating, I only dated when they were not here and were with their dad. I explained to my guy that they needed me and I needed to be here. So I dated little really. But I feel it was important that I be here when they were and that another person did not need to be here. I think I did the right thing.
Last October T1 got way out of hand and was heading down a road that I felt was a one way road to disaster. So I made him go to live with his dad. It was either that or military school and I was leaning toward military school because I felt as if his dad didn't want him. I had no control over the boy and made the hardest decision in my life to do that. His father agreed to take him in.
Once his negative behavior was out of this house, T2 and I became very close. It was a drain for both of us and I didn't even understand how it had caused T2's introversion until he left.
It's my belief that T1 needed to be with his father and his lashing out was his way of telling me that. Since then, T1 has come to his senses, has turned 18, and is enrolled in a very good private college about an hour away. Now we talk at least every other day and he comes here often.
Now I see smiles all the time. From both. There's such a stark difference in both of them now that I have a hard time remembering the hard times now. I think it took turning 18, getting away from one another, and T1 getting away from me and spending time with his dad. Another thing that was pivotal was I kept communication lines open with X about the boys. I don't think this would have happened if I had not.
We become so hardened by our X's and they by us that we fail to see the harm it does to our kids. Sometimes we just have to put ourselves on the back burner and make them the priority.
My guy finally met my kids last May after a couple of years of dating. They like him.
Listen, I don't know that anything would have turned out any better if we had not gotten D'd. Teenagers are hell to live with - married or not. The D was a hard for T1 and his lashing out was his way of screaming that he needed his daddy. By the same token, T2 needed peace and T1's leaving gave him that.
So if your X or STBX is not seeing your kids, give him or her some time to come to their senses and understand what's important. Try to do whatever you can to keep them in your kids' lives, regardless of what poor decisions they make.
SG, I posted this morning, then deleted it...I couldn't post w/out making it personal.
SG, I know divorce is painful to the children involved...all of us know that. However, sometimes a person just has to do what he/she has to do. Sometimes that decision is taken out of our hands.
The only way I know to get my point across is to share MY story. My exH and I were married for just over 21 years. Were all those years "bad"? No. But, the last 10 years or so consisted of infidelity (-ies), drinking, cursing, abuse (verbal, emotional, and physical). My exH was a truck driver. He was gone a lot...I was, for the most part, a "single" parent....I was the main caregiver. When my ex was home, there was a beer in his hand...he was an alcoholic. Every other word out of his mouth was a curse word...even in the "best" of times. He made fun of me for going to Church and believing in God. He ridiculed me and fussed at me for my community achievements. My children saw this day in and day out.
In June of 06, my exH dropped his "bomb" and gave me the infamous speech that so many of us have heard. Then, I started finding out about all the women my ex was having a relationship with...8 in all! I did all the wrong things. Then, I tried DB'ing. Finally, I told him to leave. I couldn't deal w/ him and his attitude on top of watching my mom die...it was just too much. (This was a month after he threw me across a room and told me he could kill me...and a few weeks after he got a DUI.) Enough was enough. Yes, the first couple of months I hurt and I was scared. But, I made it through. My eyes were opened and I started seeing things...things so many people had been pointing out to me for years.
After a couple of months, my ex saw that I was moving on. He liked what he saw and wanted to come home. I was willing to try because I had made a commitment to him. Not to mention the fact that we had 3 children together, 2 of whom were still living at home. The same 2 that were living in the hell that our home had become. My daughter was furious w/ me for even considering letting him return. When I found out he was living w/ his OW, I was still willing try to save the marriage...for the same reasons I just named. He made the decision to go back to the OW. And, this time, I didn't fight for my marriage.
Why? Because my children deserved better than what my exH and I could offer them had we stayed together. While they still see their father every other weekend, some over the holidays, and one week during the summer, they are no longer living in hell at home. I did not want my daughter thinking that it is ok for her future husband to treat her the way her father had treated me. I did not my son to think that it was ok for him to treat his future wife the way his father had treated me. Our home life became peaceful and fun. We no longer carry that weight on our shoulders.
Now, when my children see Bill and I together, they see a husband and wife who love each other. They don't just hear the "I love you's"...they feel the love and respect that a husband and wife should have for one another. They aren't just surviving...they are thriving in every way possible.
Yes, divorce hurts. But, it is our responsibility as parents to take a bad situation and make it the best that it can be. It is our responsibility to provide our children w/ the love and support that they need. And, hopefully, the scars will be minimal at best.
Michelle has said that the one reason where divorce is a better option for kids is in situations of abuse, especially physical. Sounds like you did the right thing.
Gman Me 40 W 30 kids B 11 B 10 D 8 Been here off and on since 06. PA Confirmed Dec 08.. With God, anything is possible. Do or do not there is no try. Sometimes you have to roll the hard six...
