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SG, you've helped me out so many times and been a mentor/great friend to many of us here, but I don't know if I agree with that. Do kids really need 2 parents fully in their lives to be healthy? I have tried everything to keep my M intact and would love to have 2 parents for the kids, but the truth is even when he was living with us he was an absent parent. My S14 said he didn't notice any difference when H moved out b/c he wasn't around much and my D8 is happy we are separated b/c she sees him more now she says than she used to when he lived with us (spends 10 hours a week with them now).

I think I have a different perspective b/c I was raised by my widower dad (mom died when I was 4 and was in the hospital a bit before that). I think my dad did a good job raising me and my brother. It is sad that maybe our kids have only 1.5 parents b/c the WAS is not very good at parenting, and they realize that they have one parent who is stable and will always be there, but I wonder if it's ok if they know they have that one stable parent to have the kind of absent parent, and maybe that's ok. I encourage my H to spend time with the kids and call them everyday and etc. but I don't plan on agonizing over my H not taking these opportunities when available. I think that's one of those things where we have to realize we don't have much control over our WAS' parenting, just ours, so focus on making ourselves the best parent we can be? (And take my kids to a C of course!) Karen

Well Um that is great for you.

I don't have a problem with meeting them. I do just fine in that arena . Yup real in life ones too.

I choose not to date. I choose to not bring anyone around them.

When I have my kids they are my focus.

When I don't have my kids I either, hang with the girls, and go out, and have dinner parties, or whatever. Or just have me time.

I guess if you ever read any of my threads you would of known that.

I don't need to join anything to meet men, and I am not on some online service meeting them either.

I know that I will meet someone when I feel the time is right, I have no worries about that.

In fact, I did read my fellow members' posts. And I saw nothing that warranted the misplaced preaching. Fact is, sometimes the kids are better off after the divorce. Fact is, sometimes saving a marriage is impossible. We control what we can, accept what we can't and hope we and the kids learn from our mistakes.

BH --

The first few posts occurred on the MLC board, which as I have stated, are not for this forum. The continuing discussion IS for this board. And others want the full discussion here. Which, if you read the other posts, you will see.

I am done with this part of the discussion.

I'll stop the quote there Lissie.

I have 11 yrs. D from my kids mom and she still will pick a nerve and feed on it at times.

One big key to my own mental well being and of course that of my kids is I have learned to ignore the petty BS that can't be won or addressed rationally with her.

A most recent example was a snide comment about spending time with S14 and me being a bad dad. I hung up on her instead of engaging. Without the confrontation that comment was rendered moot.

I could list years of examples and ways I handled them both good and bad, but the main theme is we aren't going to change "their" bad behavior!

In my experience deflecting your childrens questions or comments concerning their father when it appears they're seeking a judgement or affirmation from you works best at not antagonizing.

Children will come to their own conclusions over time so there is no need to bad mouth or even push for their father to act as a "good" dad (as is your perception).

Pick and choose only those battles that really matter, it won't fix everything but it will help with the ulcer!

As far as wishing he would have just left and not looked back, it would have just created new questions and problems. With him here you will be vindicated in your childrens eyes one day because it seems that leopard can't change his spots!

Thoughts and prayers

cire

It wasn't just the first couple of posts and you know it. And this has been an ongoing thing where you direct marriage-saving mantra (say that three times real fast) at people whose marriages are over. Why? To what purpose? What is it you hope to accomplish with that?



Um. Ok. How is one "virtually" involved? Either people are interacting or they're not. The same values, honesty, loyalty, etc. are still important regardless of the medium of communication. And Lissie seems to value those things in all people. So, what's the purpose of a dig like that?

Hey Karen43,

Our stories seem to mirror each other in more ways than just having crazy husbands.

My Mom died when I was 3 and like you I was lucky enough to have been blessed with the world's best Dad, but no matter how wonderful he was I always wished for that missing piece of me. That is why sometimes I feel as if this crisis with the ex was so hard to go through. We may cling harder because whether we want to face it or not we already have abandonment issues. The thing we never had to feel through our loss that our children do is the rejection.

So in refernce to our children, I think that SG is right, kids definitely do need 2 parents. Heck they need and deserve to be loved by both of their parents. I hear the samething that you described from my kids, in fact my son said the other night, that he didn't miss his Dad because he hadn't really felt as if he's had a dad in 10 years. I don't believe that. I think that they do have feelings of rejection and definite anger issues. Maybe they say this as a way of self-protecting, convincing themselves, or trying to spare our feelings. I just can't believe for a second that they don't feel as if they have a crack in their heart!

I don't have the answer, but what I do know is that because of this we have to go into high gear making sure that our kids know without a doubt that our love is unconditional, and that we will always be their rock!

Hey BH,

Happy Sunday! xoxoxoxo

Well, kids need someone to mother them and father them. It's ideal if you have a great mother and a great father and they are married.

If they aren't married anymore....then it's ideal if they have their own great mother and father getting along well etc....on down that line.


Sometimes you end up playing both roles yourself. Which really ends up to be impossible.


You do your best.

Virtually....means online.

It wasn't a dig and Lissie knows that. It was a question.

Cire, thank you for this reminder. You are so right. MY PERCEPTION, just b/c it is mine doesn't mean it is right.

sigh.



Thank you Cire. Wishing he was not here is so selfish on my part.


I still hold out some small hope that one day they will change for his kids.



Prayers for you to buddy.

Thank you SG, now I know it wasn't.

BH thanks.