Hi, it's been awhile. Brief history, M 19 years at time of bomb ( that was Feb of '02). Typical MLC stuff, "Not in love with you anymore". Kids were 13 and 16 at the time. H wanted us to D and remain living together for the sake of the kids. Boy did he have his head up his A$$!!!!!
Well here we are 16 months later, H doesn't want his blasted D anymore, we have become much closer after much DB'ing on my part and him realizing that he didn't want out as bad as he had himself convinced. However just yesterday we were talking and he told me that the M is not his focus, his focus is his Volunteer Fire Fighting hobby, his self defense class and climbing mountains. (We live in Colorado, I'm referring to 14'ers).
This latest revelation of his makes me feel like detaching big time and finding something to do that keeps me away from the house more than I already am. H works 3:30pm-11:00pm shift and I work at 6 am, M-F but I get home early on T+Th and we see each other about 2 hours on those days, not at all M-W, on Fridays I wait up for him and he looks forward to it, texts me and asks if I'm waiting up. It doesn't count when he gets home and I'm in bed already for 2 hours. And then on weekends we see each other which helps, because he misses me.( I don't mean to sound cocky, but I can tell!) This shift is new for him, just since April when he got laid off and was forced to take an evening job. My shift didn't change.
I will continue to be the wife I started changing into 16 months ago but I think a big detachment is in order when he really isn't focusing on the M. Any opinions or advice from you wise people here? Thanks, Lisa
Lisa, that MUST have been one hell of a blow to you!!
Just HOW comfortable is this man? I mean PUHLEEASE! He wants to continue the comfort of your "arrangement" while fulfilling himself outside of your M??????
Now if this were OKAY with YOU, say you felt the same way and had tons of interests that came first for you, well then FINE. But I get the distinct sense that like any sane person this is NOT okay with you!!!
So the question is, what to do?
You say he misses you, wants you to wait up on Fridays, enjoys your weekends together? There may be some room for 180's there. That is, if you think shaking things up a bit might help take his blinders off.
How about if you are out late with friends or already asleep on friday nights? Plans for the weekend? Join some organization yourself?
I just get the sense your H wants to "have his cake and eat it too". Have all the perks of your M, the company, etc. without having to really "focus on it" or put any of his precious energy into building it into something primary in his life.
Do you think this might be a transitory phase for him? Is he just too comfortable and thinks you'll just go along with this? Does he think you're too scared of losing him to put up much of a fuss?
DId you tell him how upset this made you? Does he KNOW this isn't okay with you? That might be your first move if you haven't already made it.
shiny, he told me he doesn't know why I don't just tell him to get out. I told him I did that 'back then' but he didn't have anywhere to go. I think you have a good point, or maybe it is just reinforcing what I already know, that I need my own outside interests and less focus on him. I think it all stems from him having been becoming detached himself for years before the bomb. I have myself to blame for that, I know I didn't treat him right for many years. But I think that if the M is not a priority for him than it won't be for me either. Lisa
Hi Lisa, Good to hear an update from you. You didn't mention anything about OW. Is she still in the picture? What is the status of that. I don't get his point about not wanting to focus on the marraige. What is that all about? Maybe he is experiencing a mild depression or maybe he just doesn't know what he wants. Anyway, what to do? I don't have a good answer. But your idea of detaching I think might be good for your sanity. Even if it's temporary or if it helps you take your mind off things for a while. I'm glad you are holding on to your changes because in the end I believe it will be for the best. Remember believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see. Good Luck! Lyn
I don't know what to tell you about what H said concerning not focusing on M. Heck, my W hasn't been focusing on M in a discernable way for years now.
But I have found lovingly detaching from W's drama has done wonders for my PMA. I find it very easy to be pleasant and smiling around W these days - which I am sure ticks her off some. But I don't want to go down the road to depression and do something that would be further injurous to M and the family.
As you can see, Piecing has become a hopping place over the past few months. Maybe our sitchs will become "hopping" with good tidings soon as well.
Lisa - Listen to what they do, not what they say. He's asking you to wait up for him, wants to see you - that's good. Maybe he's just tired of "talking" about the relationship? Or maybe he just feels he needs to work on himself? BTW - are you climbing any of those 14'ers with him? Why not ask him to guide you up one - with enough training, you could do it. H would probably be thrilled if you shared his interests with him - mine was. (I made it up Mt. Whitney, btw, if you missed it! ).
Lyn, he really doesn't have much to do with "her" anymore, just an occasional benign email.
That he is more focused on his hobbies than the M started happening a long time ago. While I was ignoring and pushing him away. Yes I did do that. He was totally devoted and in love with me for a long time but I took him for granted and am paying the price now. He just gave up after trying to make me happy for so long.
His actions from the time of bomb have always been the opposite of what he says. One evening recently he came out of his office to where I was sitting on the couch reading and said "I thought I should come out here and spend some time with you because we're in love". Funny, I can't take it seriously now. Lisa
Ellie, like I told Lyn above, his actions have always been the opposite of his words, throughout this, especially the beginning. He truly wanted to be done with me and the M, had himself convinced that he was.
I did start hiking with him last year, and enjoyed and have good memories of those times. The 14 er's are a little steep for me, however.
He does admit that he is bored with his life and that's where the F fighting and hiking and self defense class come in. I'm sure he's bored with me too. Well what I've heard about bored people is that THEY are boring. We aren't here to entertain each other. He and I do have a lot of fun together. Our kids are 15 and 18 now so we have a lot of freedom to just take off and we do. But I don't like feeling now that I am the only one working on this since he told what he did the other day. Although last week he said he is trying and wants me to keep trying too. He's very affectionate and loving to me too. It's like he's still trying to convince himself he's not committed or not as "here" as he really is. I don't want to sound sure of myself either because I have learned (from him) to have NO expectations. What I want is a way to let him know that I'm not focusing as hard on him and the M anymore if it isn't a priority for him without him thinking it's just a ploy. I still will remain loving and changed the way I've learned these past 16 months. I would just like for HIM to be a little insecure for once. Lisa
I bet there are things you can do together.Remember they don't do anything they don't want to.If he didn't want to spend time with you he wouldn't.Take a trip to Okla.City surprise him with the FFs museum and theres a bunch more to do. I too am involved in FF and it hurt my marriage,being chief I felt like I needed to be around more,my X became an EMT and is on the dept. now Hang in there you will conquer.
But I don't want to go down the road to depression and do something that would be further injurous to M and the family.