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Be friendly towards him but this is a seperation.
GAL ba, let him know that you can.

I know exactly how you are feeling.

Start thinking about yourself. It's going to be hard but dig deep and be positive.

E

Good Morning everyone!

I didn't sleep well...I'm tired. It's no surprise.

It's supposed to be cooler here today...low 80s. It will be a nice change.

The "separation" is not at all what I expected. I believe H is having a harder time with it than I anticipated. It's not the vacation he was imagining I suppose.

He was a no show to come over to paint last night. I figured that would be the case.

My friend's kids came by to drop some things off...they were here about an hour. It was nice to see them. They had spent the summer in CA with their Dad so I hadn't seen them since May.

H tried to call twice while they were here. I didn't answer the phone. When he called the 3rd time I answered. He'd wished I would have let him know they were here....he would have liked to see them.

He wanted to know if I would go with him to dinner. I told him I didn't think so...go ahead. After several more minutes he asked again...a couple more times.....please....so I agreed.

We went to Carrabbas...I had soup...he had pasta...we both ordered a glass of wine. After we ordered, he got up from his side of the booth and came and sat next to me...???

Dinner was pleasant...and informative. He has evidently been doing alot of thinking already. It's only been a couple of days and he is "seeing" alot.

I guess this is a good thing...but it isn't at all what I anticipated. He is using his time wisely I think.

He said he has come to realize that he has been resentful of me. He has felt that he was being held somewhere he didn't want to be. He is beginning to see that this wasn't the case. While he is bored out of his mind at the townhouse, he feels free to do whatever he wants and not have to answer to anyone for it. But he's come to the understanding that he could have done that at home too. Nobody here questioned him if he wanted to go biking or running or shopping...whatever.

I asked him if he felt that his feelings were justified. First he said in a normal marriage no...but in our situation, yes. When I pressed further and asked him to give me some expamles, he had none.

He said that he felt like he couldn't do whatever he wanted because of me. When I stated that the only thing I could think of where there would have been times I told him no about something like that was when it came to extravagant purchases. I pay all the bills and therefore when he would want to go out and blow several hundred dollars on something (which wasn't often) I may have said...not right now or something....but I felt I had always been supportive of whatever he wanted to do. H totally agreed with me...???

Another thing he said was that he wanted to kinda date. Not other people, but each other. He wants the "excited" feeling he got when we first met. He wants to be anxious to see me. He wants to try to get together (not everyday) and have dates to try to get that feeling back.

I guess these are positives. I don't quite know how he could dilly dally around for a year and then come to this conclusion in just a couple of days of being away. I am cautiously watching and waiting. I don't think the worse is over. How can it be so soon?

I have made some plans for myself tonight. Nothing big...running a couple of errands...and shopping. Something I wouldn't normally do after work. I have always tried to get errands done on my lunch hour so I could be home when H got here. But I'm doing them later tonight. I may meet a friend for a cup of coffee after work too. She is supposed to call later.

I feel like I am doing this not for me...and not to get a reaction out of H. But to force myself to make him wonder where I am or what I'm doing. I don't think that's the reason I should be doing it...but it's how I feel...(oh Gosh!..that sounds exactly like something H would say)!...but it's how I feel...agh!

He just called to make sure I was awake. He wished me a good morning. Said I could call to chat if I wanted today. Told him I would be pretty busy at work (probably not true). He said he would check in with me later. I told him he didn't have to. He said..I will. He said ILY...hope you have a good day....ILY....goodbye. ???

A new day....here I go.

(((())))

BA

(((((((BA)))))))

It's awful fast, isn't it? I think he has a few bounces in him, but I like the direction he is going. He can't seem to get through 20 minutes awake without thinking of you..... I think that is a good sign.

If he wants to get the excited feeling when he sees you, I think that the occasional unavailability is the trick. I think that will help to build that sort of feeling.

I like what you are doing. Listen and watch. See if his actions start to match his words!

I forgot to mention the most important thing H said yesterday.

He said that know matter what I have been trying to do to "fix" the R or make things better between us...it couldn't happen...he realizes that he was not in a place to accept it or let me "in". He had decided in his mind that he was right and there was absolutely no way in his mind...that we could make things better.

I don't think he's in a place to let us work on us completely....but I do think it is a baby step that he is thinking about these things and coming to some conclusions about where things went wrong..and where they are now....and maybe where they could end up. ???

BA

BA,

Thanks for sharing this with us. I think it lets us see into the mind of a MLCer. It confirms what many books tell us, that they can't be pushed, that they have to figure things out on their own terms.

I've often wondered if "tough love" was the right thing to do with a MLCer. I've never thought it would work with my H. It just tends to push him away. It seems being their friend might be the way...

Yoyo

Yoyo...I think you are right. I am trying really hard to be H's friend....it's hard...not because I want my H back...I don't want to settle on being friends! But for now, trying to make the times we are together good ones....and keeping my down times to myself.

H is really having a hard time being away. Yesterday I didn't hear from H until 8:30 pm. Then he asked if he could come over. I kept my conversation short and to the point, but told him he was always welcome to come by as long as he called first. He got there in 10 minutes...looks pretty rough...tired, not sleeping...said he misses me...this isn't how he thought it would be. Had scrambled eggs for supper. He hates being at the townhouse...it's lonely. Being there alone is making him realize things he didn't see before.

Said he misses me again....I responded with.. Really? I thought you resented me and thought I was controlling you? He stated that those were things he thought were issues, but now he is thinking that it wasn't the case.

He thinks he needs to stay at the townhouse for awhile as a punishment. He says he needs to suffer to learn a lesson. I asked him what lesson? He said he needs to learn that he should be happy with what he has...and that things weren't really as bad as he thought they were. He needs to appreciate life and those around him who love and support him.

He said sleeping alone wasn't an issue for him...afterall he's been sleeping in a separate room for months. But waking up alone...and realizing he's alone in the house during the "awake" hours is really hard. He thinks it's too quiet. Told him it was quiet at our house too...told him I didn't like sleeping alone or waking up alone...but he knows that. Should have kept quiet.

He stayed about an hour and went back to the townhouse to go to bed. He called at 10:30 to say good night...ILY.

He called again this morning at 6:15...ILY have a good day...I will check in with you later....he only slept 4 hours....sounds down.

I only slept 2 hours...but tried to sound chipper and upbeat. Dressed to break hearts when I left for work...not rushing home after work...taking my time.

BA

((((BA)))))

It sounds like H is starting to feel some pain as a result of his actions, and you being strong and friendly is obviously having an effect too- great work! I knew you were a DB Master Lots of baby steps there.

I have a feeling H might decide to come home and then yo-yo a bit- what do you think? In a way he might be right that he needs to really feel the consequences of his actions before he comes back. It does sound like he's going to be coming back though!

L. xx

BA,

Wow! Great interaction. Sounds like he is waking up and smelling the roses. Keep doing what you are doing and let him come to you at his own pace. Sounds very promising.

Yoyo

OD:

Yo yoing has begun...not surprised...disappointed perhaps..but who knows? I'm trying to make our interactions positive...I've slipped up once today...but it didn't even phase him. He's living in his own bubble and isn't really aware of other's around him. Sad but true.

Yoyo - his pace is the only pace we live by....kids included. Even tho they aren't fully aware of what's going on...they know he's off kilter...they call me when they think he is at work and give me updates...they always ask...how's dad? I report about how busy he is at work...or if he's feeling down....sometimes when he is around we'll call them together.....I don't know how long he thinks we can keep the separation from them...I guess it's easier since they aren't here to see...??? I don't want to lie to them...if they ask, then I'll tell...H knows this...

H originally said we'd see how things are in a couple of weeks....I think he thinks that if he changes his mind...they will never know and never think any differently about him. He's worried about his image to others...family, friends included. Image is very important to him....even if it isn't the truth...so sad....

The kids never call him on his cell...they, like me, know he won't answer it if he sees our numbers pop up. How sad.

Not a great day for me today....but tomorrow is another day...I will start over each day until the good ones start running together.

Rainy weather didn't help!

Hugs everyone!

BA

Going to catch up on my posting in the next couple days...I have so much I want to say to your threads...I've been reading...I will see you soon!