I just don't understand what your rationale for that was. So please, tell me what your thought process was on doing this?
Ian, I felt my mom needed to know the truth. They were using my D to get responses. They were using the pictures to get responses from me or to "test" the responses they would get from my mom..My mom had an idea of what was going on. She now knows the truth.
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You knew it would hurt her feelings, why not just let your mom go on about her business and feel good that she got pictures of her granddaughter.
What hurt her feelings was them doing this. They could have just sent the pictures..No, they have to do what they did.
Ian, this morning when I got up, I cleaned up, changed and took "her" trash to the station to get rid of it. I then went back to get a load of stuff to move to the house. Part of that stuff included a hand written cookbook by my mother which was given to my D. So I go to where I had moved the cookbook and lo and behold, cookbook missing. So I ask STBX where the cookbook is. I get informed it's her cookbook and it stays here..as a matter of fact the cookbook for my D just happened to have been moved to my STBX place of business...
So is that right Ian. Should I just overlook that? Ya know there's a picture of my STBX's grandmother framed on the wall, underneath the picture in the frame is a handwritten recipe for a "snowball" cake..what if I just went in and ripped that down and took it to work?? Beside that picture is a picture of STBX's dead grandfather, He was a preacher, Under his picture is a framed hand written sermon he gave..so should I just get it??
As far as snooping..she's been in my stuff..she looked for evidence of an A. I looked in her stuff for evidence of an A and did last night. She has removed items from the house.
Ian, I felt my mom needed to know the truth. They were using my D to get responses. They were using the pictures to get responses from me or to "test" the responses they would get from my mom..My mom had an idea of what was going on. She now knows the truth.
Yup your mom. The Christian one? The one that would not hurt a fly? That wonderful mom now knows the truth. yes sir. She not only knows the truth, she is now hurt more than you know. B/c if your mom is anything at all like my mom, things involving the children hurt to her core more than anything else could.
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What hurt her feelings was them doing this. They could have just sent the pictures..No, they have to do what they did.
Actually what your mom wouldn't of known in this case, would not of hurt her.
IMHO.
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So is that right Ian. Should I just overlook that?
Mike, you are going to figure out the hard way, if you keep going this way, which battles are the important ones, and which battles you should just let go of.
I am sorry about what your FIL did. Funny how blood is thicker than water most times.
No matter all that you have done for the second set of parents you once had.
Those are the shitty hard hurtful breaks, and they suck ass. Some things we just need to accept and mourn and move on from them. I suspect you will after today.
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As far as snooping..she's been in my stuff..she looked for evidence of an A. I looked in her stuff for evidence of an A and did last night. She has removed items from the house.
Are you gonna go tit for tat on everything OR is this one gonna be about it?
Just askin'
It seems like a lot of huffin and puffin on your part but your STBX is still out doing her THANG, and you are the one that has gotten yourself into a tizzy today.
I don't mean to disrespect you in any way, or belittle your feelings. I know b/c I have been there, and have done that. Stomping my feet was a trademark of mine, I ruined many good pair of shoes that way, it was my own fault.
Hope your day gets super
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
You know Mike, there is a general rule of thumb to wait 48 hours before reacting to things that our STBX does. You should learn that rule because once you calm down and get past the initial hurt, you will see things more clearly.
Lissie pretty much covered exactly what I would have said to you about your mom. It wasn't worth it.
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Ian, this morning when I got up, I cleaned up, changed and took "her" trash to the station to get rid of it. I then went back to get a load of stuff to move to the house. Part of that stuff included a hand written cookbook by my mother which was given to my D. So I go to where I had moved the cookbook and lo and behold, cookbook missing. So I ask STBX where the cookbook is. I get informed it's her cookbook and it stays here..as a matter of fact the cookbook for my D just happened to have been moved to my STBX place of business...
So you explain to her once the importance of the cookbook. If she does not respect you then you bring it up in mediation and you let the mediator tell her what an idiot she is being. Simple answer.
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So is that right Ian. Should I just overlook that? Ya know there's a picture of my STBX's grandmother framed on the wall, underneath the picture in the frame is a handwritten recipe for a "snowball" cake..what if I just went in and ripped that down and took it to work??
Then you would be as big of a bitch as your wife, next question please.
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As far as snooping..she's been in my stuff..she looked for evidence of an A. I looked in her stuff for evidence of an A and did last night. She has removed items from the house.
OK Mike, you say that you are straight forward, matter of fact, well here it is.
You are not a child. Two wrongs do not make a right and you know this. How about if it was your daughter and you were advising her on what to do, would you approve of her snooping and rationalize it by saying well everyone else is doing it?
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So what is right Ian?? What is right??
You are a smart guy Mike, a lot smarter than you are acting today. I get that, we all get pissed and irritated by their actions. I will not even answer this question, you know what is right.
Let me tell you something bro, people learn to know you around here. These posts, are not you. Step back and breathe for a bit buddy and come on back when your mind is right.
All of the folks on here will tell you that in this forum we more or less look out for each other. We try and help each other make sure that when all is said and done we have as few regrets as possible about the actions that we took during the process. Coming through this with as few scars as possible is truly the mission around here.
Mike, ask politely for it once, tell her it's sentimental to you, if she refuses, let it go, it's just "stuff".
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Mike, ask politely for it once, tell her it's sentimental to you, if she refuses, let it go, it's just "stuff".
I agree with this. My theory is that our WAS are kind of doing stuff like this just to start trouble or fights and make it easier on themselves. My H is 10times more of a jerk maybe 100times more than he used to be. I also suspect that in a few months your W will realize she is being a jerk over the cookbook and if she won't return it now, if you don't make a big thing out of it hopefully in a few months your W will be more rational and agreeable at that point.
Mike, ask politely for it once, tell her it's sentimental to you, if she refuses, let it go, it's just "stuff".
I don't necessarily agree with this. If it holds sentimental value then use it in mediation. You have a right to ask a third party to intervene and she may do it if a third party lawyer says to.
just so you know..for what it's worth I had to call someone to talk to me just so I could drive back here tonight.
just so you know, I don't know which f'in way is up.
So it's take the high road no matter what?
I am human.
My mom and I had talked when the pictures were sent and suspected that this was what was happening. It does not justify me telling her.
You don't live in this.
So it's just please and thank you?? Give it back please??
So it's just let a mediator tell her, "give it back to him"? the same mediator who let her sit for 20 minutes and tell everyone how she felt, let her rewrite history, let her say I was a suck ass dad. Let her bombard my ass for 3.5 hours..
It's share the wedding pictures with her?? Just hey, be a nice guy, she's not been nice to you at all..she has been a f'in [censored] through this whole process but hey, take the high road, send her all the pictures, I'm sure she'll send some to you...
Hey just share with her, she won't steal memories from you, your D's first haircut, your D's first movie in a theater, she won't leave you out and give those memories to her B**CH mother..
I am however living with a woman who does many things that are hurtful to me. A woman who makes a lot of decisions without thinking about how I feel and what is best for me when it comes to our kids.
You think I don't understand my friend, really?
You may be hearing some of this wrong Mike, I am not condoning her actions, I am not saying that anything she is doing is right, and I am not telling you not to feel the pain of it all. I understand all of that.
What I am telling you is that you have within your grasp a circle of influence. There are certain things you have within your circle of influence. Your actions, your decisions, and your choices. Her actions, her decisions, and her choices are not within your circle of influence. There is nothing you can do to affect her decisions. You have no ability to control any of the things that she chooses to do.
You do however have the ability and influence to control how you handle the insanity. You have the ability and influence to control your actions/reactions. It is within your influence to take on the battles that are worth fighting.
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he same mediator who let her sit for 20 minutes and tell everyone how she felt, let her rewrite history, let her say I was a suck ass dad. Let her bombard my ass for 3.5 hours..
The mediator is not stupid Mike. The mediator can read her like a book. The mediator will in the end be your best asset in getting what you want. Sometimes when a mediator lets a person have lots of rope, and it looks like they are siding with your spouse, the reality is it is so that they can hang themselves.
Mike, you are hearing what you want to hear rather than the actual message. I am gonna leave you be for now, my intent was not to upset you, it was to help you.
I am however living with a woman who does many things that are hurtful to me. A woman who makes a lot of decisions without thinking about how I feel and what is best for me when it comes to our kids.
You think I don't understand my friend, really?
You may be hearing some of this wrong Mike, I am not condoning her actions, I am not saying that anything she is doing is right, and I am not telling you not to feel the pain of it all. I understand all of that.
What I am telling you is that you have within your grasp a circle of influence. There are certain things you have within your circle of influence. Your actions, your decisions, and your choices. Her actions, her decisions, and her choices are not within your circle of influence. There is nothing you can do to affect her decisions. You have no ability to control any of the things that she chooses to do.
You do however have the ability and influence to control how you handle the insanity. You have the ability and influence to control your actions/reactions. It is within your influence to take on the battles that are worth fighting.
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he same mediator who let her sit for 20 minutes and tell everyone how she felt, let her rewrite history, let her say I was a suck ass dad. Let her bombard my ass for 3.5 hours..
The mediator is not stupid Mike. The mediator can read her like a book. The mediator will in the end be your best asset in getting what you want. Sometimes when a mediator lets a person have lots of rope, and it looks like they are siding with your spouse, the reality is it is so that they can hang themselves.
Mike, you are hearing what you want to hear rather than the actual message. I am gonna leave you be for now, my intent was not to upset you, it was to help you.
Take care of yourself buddy, and breathe.
Ian
I'm not upset at you. Never have been. Never will be.
I'm not upset at Lissie either..or anyone else who posts to me.
Last edited by M from Tennessee; 08/03/0803:26 AM.
Hi (((Mike))), you are human & it hurts. It's totally not fair. I agree she's being a major petty b*tch. I think she's wrong, & I wish I could slap her a good one for you.
The only advice I have is that with your D you can create hundreds & thousands of memories. There are going to be so many firsts. First merry go round, first roller coaster, first time in the ocean, first time at Sea World, first time at Legoland, first time with cotton candy (I still remember how my youngest spit it out & said it felt like hair in his mouth), first day of kindergarten, first day of junior high, first date, first kiss, first time she doesn't make cheerleading, first heartbreak .......Does this help ?
So yeah, take the high road, you're setting an example for your D. She's not old enough to know it now, but one day she'll hear the stories. One day she'll decide for herself how her parents conducted themselves.
I wish I could say more that would help.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
