Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Husband wants to reconcile again-try#4

I was going to say I think it is a big difference between guys and girls...but that isn't the case, not always.

If you have forgiven someone something, you don't bring it up ever again, it is not ammo in fights, or guilt stick to be used. It may not be forgotten but it sure as hell isn't in your tool box to be used anymore.

Jack,
You are so right.

I have realized this finally through our last arguement this past weekend. When my H hurts my feelings and I verbally get mad at him, it sends him into a defensive attack mode back at me and vice versa. There begins the blame game.

I really need to figure out a way to stop this from happening again. I am starting to discover patterns to the fights. Its usualy when we are drinking, and if not its because he does something that is just wrong that hurts me (like flirting). Then when I get mad - our whole arguement turns into all of our past hurts being brought up again.

It is such an immature way to handle things and it will never get either of us anywhere but Divorced. I have listened to the KLA CD's and it talks about this very thing (agrueing in circles - blame game). It is so destructive and I dont know how to stop it.

I know that I need to do something different. I know that when my H hurts my feelings I need to tell him in a nicer way with out blowing up. And I know that if my H starts bringing up our past years issues(that we are trying to forgive each other for)- that I should not do the same. I need to listen and move the conversation in a different direction.

The entire works of DBing are like finally coming clearer to me. At first I was so clueless even after reading the books several times and setting many goals - I was so off base. I am finally realizing that its not just me, but both of us that need to change the way we react to each other - however I need to be the one to initiate this change.

It is very daunting to me (especially as a female) to feel like I may have to shut my trap when all I want to do is tell him I am hurt and have him console me - chase me type thing. I love to get my feelings off my chest, especially when they feel walked on, but there are more constuctive ways of doing so and I desperately need to learn them and start applying them.

I did o.k. tonight. My H plays in a band at a local bar on mondays. After his show, I was outside talking with one of the female bar tenders I have known since H.S., My H came up to us when he was done playing and says a great big hello to her with his arm around her shoulder and kissing her on her cheek. Then he says to me, this is my girlfriend when your not around, she's the best. The bar tender says to me, "dont worry - I dont put out" becuase even she seemed a bit awkward by his actions. I just smiled. It kills inside me every time he does this type of crap. And tonight I think he was even testing me due to our last arguement. I think I passed, but it still doesnt make me feel a whole lot better.

Thank you again for this advice, I hope I am on the right track!
TIPPER

I am so scared right now. I feel like my H is definetely pulling away from me since our arguement this past weekend.

He came over and was really nice to me on Sunday, on Monday I only saw him for about 20 mins after his show, then on Teusday he didnt find the time to come over until after 9 p.m. and was very distant all night, and now today I text him to see if he wanted to hang out after work and he said that he cant because he needs to practice new music & work on his truck.

I sense him pulling away from me. I dont know what to do. I know I messed up by having that arguement with him over the weekend but I tried to apologize and I thought that he was o.k. with every thing. Now I feel like he is avoiding me.

I dont know if I am reading into this too far. Maybe he really does just need some time to catch up on some things. But it feels more like this is a result of our little spat.

So here I am, alone again for the night - with nothing to do other than to freak out about him distancing from me.

Any thoughts or suggestions????
TIPPER

Yeah, don't freak out.

Find something to do.

Give him space.

Call a friend, see a movie, don't stay home alone with your thoughts.

Go to a library read a book, learn to cook Thai food.

Is he, is he is he?

Don't know, neither do you. Time will tell. Use time to your advantage, on you.

Let him contact you now.

Jack,
Again, you are right.

I will try to relax and not think negatively of this situation.

I think I will call a friend, cuz I hate being here alone.

I will give him space and I will wait for him to contact me.

I will also pray for us and our M. I feel like such an idiot for letting this all happen - I wish I could have just turned off my emotions - instead of bursting them on to him.

I know the things we discussed in our spat, are probably still going through his head (as they are mine), and I hope it doesnt send him running. But only time will tell so I need to try and chill. Not to mention we have a trip to the bahamahs booked for next friday - I hope he doesnt bail on me.
Thank You,
TIPPER

well,
my H has actually decided today to call and see if I wanted to hang with him and his buddy. I told him I was at the pool with my gal friends and our dogs so I couldnt.

Then he text again later and asked if I wanted to go to trivia night tonight (as I usually try to do). But I told him instead the plans have changed to hanging out with my best friend for her 30th b-day. He actually agreed to come and hang with all of our old friends tonight to celebrate.

I guess he wasnt giving up, he was just needing some distance. I gave it to him. He is now pursueing me again. I hope I am not being to cold. That is how I always feel when I make plans to do my own thing. But I know it is for the best, and this time it actually worked out to the extent that I wanted it to since he is going to come along tonight.

I hope I keep my emotions in check tonight. I know I need to be more conscious about it and I am gonna just "act as if" and pray that things go well.

Wish me luck,
TIPPER

You're doing awesome girl! Keep it up!

Thanks dar,

I am glad you think I am doing well. I sometimes let the DBing skills I have learned slip out of my mind, I wish that doing what works instead of what is natural came easier to me. I mess it up a lot. But I am starting to see the patterns and I am gonna try and break them so that DBing becomes my way of life.

Last night was soooo great. My H came and hung out with all of our old group and it didnt feel wierd or seem like he was bored or awkward around anyone. He talked to his old best friend for a long time - which was so nice to see. H was even saying to me afterwards how nice it was to see everyone and how much fun he had.

I got a little tipsy but I remembered to keep myself in check. We had so much fun together before and after her party also.

When we were getting ready for bed, we lied there together and talked about our trip we are going on next week for our 8th wedding anniversary. H is starting to get really excited about the trip, and he thanked me for making all the plans and making sure we have all the details we need.

I am so happy that my H didnt give up on us. H is coming over today and we are gonna do a lazy day movie marathon. Tommorow we are going to his cousins wedding. It shall be fun, she is marrying her girlfriend from college, it will be a first for me to see a girl-girl couple weddding. And I love all weddings cuz I am such a sap for romance.
TIPPER

girl-girl wedding...

you just made my day.

Down boy, down!