I am glad you recognize that S18's lack of responsibility is a problem, but I am curious why you say you listened to the argument. Why didn't you jump in and support her?
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I didn't jump in because I was not in the same room when it started, actually I wasn't in the same room for any part of it. It involved the agreement between the two of them about what he was responsible for this summer, so it really wasn't a place for me to stick my nose in. Also, more than once, she has asked me to stay out of that kind of discussion between her and the kids. She feels she can handle it, and she also doesn't think the kids need to be ganged up on. She did talk about it later, and I validated her position. So I did support her, just not at the time.
Anyway, I don't have a lot of time, but we did end up having something of a discussion. Short version, I hope, I need to get back to work....
I was getting ready to work outside, in preparation for having the trailer to take stuff to the dump tomorrow. I asked what she would like me to do, and she said get the big stuff. I really didn't know what she was thinking, so I lind of looked at her, expecting her to continue. She said don't look at me like I'm a stupid idiot, if you don't know what I mean, ask me. So, I said, what do you mean. So then she rolled her eyes, and said something like, "How can you not know what I mean?" I clevery jumped in with, "So you can look at me like I'm a stupid idiot?" To which she said, "Can I have a divorce?" To which I said, "Yes." Which led to discussion on her part as to the financial impossibility, I said I though it could be done. She said how, I said let me figure it out. Then came more $ discussion, and her finally (I think) believing me when I said that the situation was improving. That in a year we could pay to have someone do this yard stuff, just not yet. So she said, can I take the kids to Disney? (One of her friends is going, with her LD daughter, and W wants to go. In October, I think. I said, yes, and she started to cry! So, then I asked if she wanted to work in the M. She said she was too busy working on being a nurse, and a Mom. I said "ever?" She said, "I don't know." She thinks we are too different, not right or wrong, just different. She can't live the way that I am ok with, and she says that I can't change that just for her. She said that it won't be a failure. We'd accomplished a lot getting this far, and the kids were good, and had a safe place to live. (Or something like that.)
So, I don't know where that is all leading. But, it certainly opened the door for more discussion. Now it won't be out of the blue, anyway. I think I will figure out a financial "proposal", so that she knows that she isn't trapped. (I think she thinks she is.)
I don't know what it all means, but there it is. My C was on vacation this week, I see her Tuesday.
What stands out to me is that she just came out like that and asked for a D. And that then she started to cry. So, she's not happy with the way things are. At least we know that now.
Interesting that she thinks you and she are too different, and you can't change just for her. Would you be willing to change just for her?
Finally (sorry for the questions), why did you feel you had to ask her what to do? Speaking for myself, I didn't used to like it if H asked me what to do about around the house jobs. I wanted him to act manly and just do it without my input. Could that be an approach worth trying?
(((((Jeff)))))) thinking of you
L. xx
PS. Well done for having the conversation! I wasn't expecting that today, but am glad you did it. At last- a bit of emotion from your W! YAY!!
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I didn't jump in because I was not in the same room when it started, actually I wasn't in the same room for any part of it. It involved the agreement between the two of them about what he was responsible for this summer, so it really wasn't a place for me to stick my nose in. Also, more than once, she has asked me to stay out of that kind of discussion between her and the kids. She feels she can handle it, and she also doesn't think the kids need to be ganged up on. She did talk about it later, and I validated her position. So I did support her, just not at the time.
Anyway, I don't have a lot of time, but we did end up having something of a discussion. Short version, I hope, I need to get back to work....
I was getting ready to work outside, in preparation for having the trailer to take stuff to the dump tomorrow. I asked what she would like me to do, and she said get the big stuff. I really didn't know what she was thinking, so I lind of looked at her, expecting her to continue. She said don't look at me like I'm a stupid idiot, if you don't know what I mean, ask me. So, I said, what do you mean. So then she rolled her eyes, and said something like, "How can you not know what I mean?" I clevery jumped in with, "So you can look at me like I'm a stupid idiot?" To which she said, "Can I have a divorce?" To which I said, "Yes." Which led to discussion on her part as to the financial impossibility, I said I though it could be done. She said how, I said let me figure it out. Then came more $ discussion, and her finally (I think) believing me when I said that the situation was improving. That in a year we could pay to have someone do this yard stuff, just not yet. So she said, can I take the kids to Disney? (One of her friends is going, with her LD daughter, and W wants to go. In October, I think. I said, yes, and she started to cry! So, then I asked if she wanted to work in the M. She said she was too busy working on being a nurse, and a Mom. I said "ever?" She said, "I don't know." She thinks we are too different, not right or wrong, just different. She can't live the way that I am ok with, and she says that I can't change that just for her. She said that it won't be a failure. We'd accomplished a lot getting this far, and the kids were good, and had a safe place to live. (Or something like that.)
So, I don't know where that is all leading. But, it certainly opened the door for more discussion. Now it won't be out of the blue, anyway. I think I will figure out a financial "proposal", so that she knows that she isn't trapped. (I think she thinks she is.)
I don't know what it all means, but there it is. My C was on vacation this week, I see her Tuesday.
There IS good stuff in there.
She can't live the way that I am ok with, and she says that I can't change that just for her. What are the differences in how each of you are ok living? Is it just financial issues?
Last edited by sgctxok; 08/01/0810:46 PM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I was thinking the exact same thing when I read that.