Well.. THAT word codependent bothered me big time until my sister recommended the book. She is one of the most balanced thoughtful people I know and she actively works on mental and emotional health. So.. if it can help her, it can help me. I think it's getting over an ego thing that I don't want to be labelled or seen in a negative light.
Another way of looking at it.. is if you like the way I've been changing, that what can it hurt?
The reality of divorce is kicking in. That I can sit back and be passive, keep wondering how this could be happening, feel like it's unfair that I don't get to be married...
OR
I can start taking care of myself, facing things. So far today, no processed sugar. I remember thinking when some folks say they're going to chew on some facts, I'd take it literally. Or if something emotional was happening, instead of saying "I'll think on that" inside my mind was "I'll eat on that."
It takes time for my stubborn nature to get moving.
Banned.. NEVER! Just view this as me trying to quit smoking.. only it's sugar. And I don't drink alcohol at all right now because of the medication I'm on.. not that I drank that often.. but nothing now.
Do you have to save the leftovers? If no one wants what's left, I'd pour water all over it. Who in their right mind would eat leftover soggy ice cream cake? ;-)
Give yourself a couple Gold Stars, sweetie pie.
Love and hugs, THE Ms Imp
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Tonight the three kids and I had a sit down dinner, something that is very rare considering the ages and activities of the kids. I find I'm not as talkative at the table... like I'm out of synch or don't speak in the cadences they do. One on one I'm fine, in a group I go quiet (though it wasn't always this way with the kids). The boys (22 and 18) were being a little crude, but with a polite word, they cleaned up their act.
Afterwards we had ice cream cake using a bendable lighter to light the candles. The boys were playing with it, lighting it, making jokes. I felt like Marge Simpson Grrrr-ing torn between letting them burn themselves if they were that silly and wanting some order. Overall, I felt like a wet blanket.
Whenever we're all together I think of what we're (or perhaps just I'm) missing rather than what we/I have. I have to get that thought out of my head. Recently my mind will wander to how could spouse have done this.. so completely leave, so quickly??
I know I get stuck when I think like that. I'm really nervous about our dwindling savings. I couldn't have spent all that money. I have to go back and check the bank and credit card bills. Thank goodness for Quicken and online accounts.
FYI.. do you know you can get copies of your receipts from the credit companies going from 6 months to 9 months back? So many times the lawyers tell you to document everything and keep the receipts. Just call them up, and talk to "Disputes". Say you aren't disputing the charges, you just need copies of the receipts. Yee Haw.. that helps me!
ARRRGGGHHHHH... sending blessings not camels to spouse
I went to bed early.. at 10 PM. Since spouse left, I'd go to bed after my daughter went to bed. Last night, I was exhausted and said good night to all. I woke up a little before 6 AM and found I was fretting, thinking of sending spouse a note saying all sorts of things, like asking for an apology for the misleading notes he sent to me while copying his lawyer. What did I do?
Uh huh.. took my own advice. I got up and took my aging dog for a walk. One good thing about older dogs, you can walk at whatever speed you like. It was a gorgeous morning, the sprinklers were creating fuzzy rainbows and gentle sounds. Those stupid little black flying things.. no-see-ums? were circling my face. I found that puffing them away like you'd blow hair out of your face was the most effective method of ridding their presence, temporarily. It beat doing that demented waving motion in front of my face.
Now that I've walked, I'm not going to write him a note. And if I don't get 'him' out of my life (his reactions to things, my fear of his reactions to things) it sure as heck is not going to be MY life.
I have a choice.. to accept what is and move forward or continue to allow myself to be confounded by his actions. Just let him go. Goodness do I cling to poison ivy or what?
Hope your days are full of sunshine and blessings.
*hugs*
My dad, who almost died this spring, had to have a blood transfusion yesterday that ended up taking over 8 hours to perform since his heart is so weak. My father continually molested me as a child. As an adult I struggled to forgive him and let go of my anger. I'm learning now to try and let go of the residuals.. like fear, insecurity, fear of intimacy, fear of commitments, fear.. which can cripple me and adversely affect my relationships.
I care for my dad but don't feel a closeness to him. I wondered if this would happen to spouse if he continues on his current path with our kids. Ahhh.. sounds like there's a slight tinge of non positive emotion in that thought.. have to send him blessings.. and my dad, too, I guess. Forgiveness is more for the giver than the other.
It took me a long time to move from Newcomers. Now I wonder about being in this forum. I don't have a marriage. Spouse has moved on living with his girlfriend. His sole objective with me is divorce. We are as dysfunctional divorcing as we were married.
He doesn't check the spending or do the work to get his own online account. He left. As his wife I would have gladly set up the login information (since he hates forms of any kind). I don't now. I'm gearing myself up to talk about how much our savings have dwindled.
I'm also going to set up a consult with another lawyer to determine if what my lawyer has proposed is reasonable. I'm not going to worry about how to support the older kids, provide extras. I am looking for guidance if I should keep this big ole house with its expenses because the market is so slow. In the end it's my decision.
Like someone once suggested, perhaps there should be a category.. Moving on but having support. DBing is good for me. I don't see its application in my marriage anymore. Perhaps for the parenting aspect. Heck, I've stopped posting on new threads because I can barely handle what's going on in my life.
Since he left, I've never said "I love you." He's been checked out of the marriage for quite a while. He's bullheaded, obstinate and has complete belief in his convictions.
I am stubborn, creative and love being around people. I have an ongoing deep depression which is managed by medication. Now that the blinders have been pulled off from my singular path, it's time for me to get healthy, to take care of myself emotionally, physically and spiritually.
I run from anything where I feel dependent on others. The friendships I do make I feel icky if I think I'm imposing. If someone is on vacation (whether it be my children, family or friends) I rarely call them because I don't want to intrude.
A lot of my life has been focused on excess privacy, no doubt because of all the 'secrets' of my childhood. Secrecy eats away at the soul bringing an unnecessary burden to life. Let it out, let it go. We'll see how I do revealing the state of our finances to spouse. His omission of involvement is just as weighing as my not keeping track of how/where the money went.
Ah well.. another long one, like gForce has said.. difficult to read because so much is packed in. Hello.. that's me when I'm in this mood of letting out.
Hope all is well. Once again, I'm finding my feet and wobbling to walk.. heck.. I'm probably walking and finding my stride.
Love to you all. Thank you for being such a support.
