Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? ms ladybug SQUISHED (3)

"Anyway to get away from that without taking the entire blow for our marriage problems?"

that the point. he will blame you. you cant react to his threats or blaming anymore ...for YOU....and he will say anything to get you to react.... you may get the entire blow for all your marriage problems BUT those are just words and you know they arent true.

you can be right or you can be married...thats the hard part. right now he will have to be "right" at least he has to think he is right. otherwise you will just keep fighting.

Why can't you make a compromise that you will move with him after you do the Retrouvaille program and learn how to have a nice relationship?

Ladybug,

Can you give an example of one of your fights (i.e. i said this then he said that...etc, etc). Looking at a "transcript" might be helpful in how to break the trend. It takes two to escalate a fight, but one to stop it.

I agree you shouldn't take the whole blame...after all, this DB wouldn't be worth a thing if you are not happy at the end of it. One of the things my IC had once said to me was to use "I" statements instead of "You" statements, it gets the point across without it seeming like an attack and is less likely to put him on the defensive which is why most things escalate....

"I don't like it when I am criticized all the time about how I keep the house up, I really am trying very hard" instead of "You are never happy with the job I do in keeping the house and you never give me any credit at all"

Your husband is quoting 5:22. Just look one verse back: v. 21 "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."

Any husband who uses 22 as a weapon is clearly outside of what the passage is teaching. Frankly, it pisses me off. If he tries that again, say "that's not what that passage means. I really want to trust you, but can't right now". Stay humble, avoid an argument.

As for the moving thing, I understand that. When things aren't right, it's easy to think "well, we just need to move", which avoids working on things. I was convinced that moving to Austin would fix my M, and tried everything to make it happen right up to the time W filed for D. I have a friend who's trying to do that now. Need to call him today actually. Maybe it's a guy thing. Blame location, job, wife anything except me for my problems.

Let's step back for a minute. You H is obviously hurting. He wants to believe you can change, and he can too. But he goes back to his old habit of making demands. He's still not sure about going through the work of MC or Retro or anything. But he's starting to realize that he's the problem. Have patience, you're doing great!

Thanks for explaining that Jon. I'll update on my weekend in a bit.

I'd move back to Austin in a heartbeat. I loved it there. I have a book called the "Worst places to live in America." Houston is in there. Isn't that where your wife is. I'll pull a quote from it when I get home, but it's pretty funny.

LOL! I never liked Houston, even before the in-law troubles.

W and I moved to Dallas to get away from both families. It was a good decision. And it makes a triangle, 3 hours from both.

OK. Let's see if I can update this:
Last week (Thurs.) H goes to look at houses in Santa Maria and I go to my sisters up north (sac area). I get a call that night and h says, "I just wanted to tell you that I'm thinking about you right now."
Well, I guess I'm a little slow, so I say, "that's really sweet."
He says, "Don't you get it. I told you I'm thinking about you."
I said, "yes. I heard you. That's really nice."
So, he gets a little frustrated and just goes right on into exactly WHAT he was thinking of (x-rated).
OOHHHH!
So, the next day he sent a couple really nice texts throughout the day. I took the kids to the Jelly Belly factory and had a nice time visiting my sis. That evening, he sends me a text with a certain picture that says "I miss you". So, we get into sending pictures back and forth for a bit. It was something I'd normally NEVER do, but it was kinda fun.

Sat. he calls and tells me about a couple houses he saw in Santa Maria, and how he talked to a real estate agent. I told him that I still am taking my stand on NOT MOVING until we work on the marriage. IT'S SO SIMPLE!! I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY HE CAN'T UNDERSTAND THAT. So, he's mad, and pretty soon it turns into an arguement. I'm now sitting in my car in front of sis's house getting angry. It's 11:00pm and my s2 is STILL up. I want to go inside and get him into bed, but h is still on the phone, still yelling. So, I shouldn't have done this, but I told him I needed to get s2 to bed, and I'll call him later (no intentions of really calling). So, he agrees.

Needless to say he's even more mad the next day. I lied to get him off the phone, and didn't call him back like I said. I just HAD ENOUGH of listening to him talk about how much he doesn't think I support him, and he's trying to lead, etc...

This thread would be forever long if I went into the rest of our interactions this week. Let's just say that I'm so sick of how he doesn't get it. He tells me that he wants to work on not being so critical of me. and then yesterday he calls me at work to tell me the car is a mess. Then, again 2 more times last night about how the car is a mess. I mean super-critical frustrated, angry about it. Throwing about explitives, and throwing his phone down, etc... Way over reacted because the kids had books and a couple toys in the car from our trip this weekend.
We had dinner with his parents last night, and where going to get ice cream afterwards. H got mad, get this, at his dad because he didn't get the taillights repaired in his car and asked us to follow him to ice cream. H had to go home and refused to go with us....because of tail lights. Not kidding.
His anger is weird and scary.
I understand being mad at me because I lied, but tail lights? A messy car? Life's too short for this nonsense.

I don't want to walk on eggshells. He's not going to change.
I know where I went wrong, and I apoligized. We talked about it. He was OK. Until...

He really, really needs help for his OCD, doesn't he?

BTW - saw this somewhere -
" I have CDO. It's like OCD, except all the letters are in proper alphabetical order like they SHOULD be!"

Ellie

That is HILAREOUS!!! I needed a laugh! Thanks. I'll share that with h sometime when he's in a better mood. For now, I'm keeping away!

So weird! Last night h called to say good-night to the kids. I asked if they can call him back in half hour, and he said he was at the movies. I didn't ask, but he volunteered to tell me he was with his cousin. He's not talking to me, so after they said good-night, he just said "bye".
Then, I get woken up at 3am with h standing in the doorway of my bedroom! He NEVER comes over like that without calling first! Nearly gave me a heart attack! I asked what he was doing and he says he came over to see me. (Remember, we're not talking?). Well, he must have rode his motorcycle because now s2 is awake (mc always wakes him up). So, I go and try to get s2 back to sleep, he's not having it, he wants milk, etc...). It was about an hour before he went back to bed. So, I go back to my room, and h is in bed, naked, and sleeping! I don't have to energy to deal with him so I just got into bed and went to sleep. This morning, I asked him what he was doing, and he said he wanted to have sex with me. Yeah...I'm not really feeling it. So, he goes home. That whole thing was weird!
Imagine waking up to a dark shadow standing in your bedroom doorway. Yippee, lets have sex. First, I have to put s2 back to bed, then I should go get my blood-pressure checked...