Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Mulesqb - Still alive and Kickin'

Thx - Feeling good but also have in the back of my mind that she said last week that she doesn't want to say or do anything that can be misinterpreted.

mules...what does your W do for most of the day? What is her schedule? How does she spend her time?
FIB

Hey FIB - On Mon, Tues and Wed, she is off. Right now she has been getting the kids to camp and doing things around the house. SHe then takes care of the dog and then lays out by our pool and spends her time on our deck until it's time to pick the boys up from camp. She likes the downtime right now - claims it is helping to give her space. On Thurs - she works a full day so i have been going in late and taking the boys to camp and then come home early to pick them up - she says that is a big help. On Fri - she works a half day. She pretty much gets right into her "pool" mode when gets home until it's time to get the boys.

Her and I have been getting closer. We had many talks this weekend. I will journal later. I am at work today and brought my S14 in with me.

She was very emotional this weekend.

Journal - She has been very emotional the last few days and continues to cycle. She has had a few talks with me about her feelings. She really focuses on her issues with the kids. She said she is trying but she can only do so much and then needs her space. She then accuses me of doing too much with them and not being strict enough with them. She has accused me of trying to make her look bad.

She told me that she is going to go to my parents 50th anniversary party for me. She said she does not feel comfortable going and being around my family but will do it for me.

She also said that she appreciates me going to Lake George. She said she knows that I don't want to go but is appreciative that I will do it for her.

She has cried a lot. Every time she cries I have been hugging her. I think that has been positive - she even hugged me back once. First time she has touched me in months.

I have also told her that I love her a few times. I don't know - I just feel like she wanted to hear it. One time I thought she was going to say it back to me but fought herself. She is very conscious of saying something that might lead me on. The reason I have said it is because she talks about not feeling connected at home with us and feeling left out. Anytime I bring up the that the boys are suffering she gets very upset. She said it hurts her because it is her fault. She keeps trying to say they are fine I don't want to argue with her, but they are not fine.

She made plans with the neighbors all weekend. I told her I was not happy with that and will not do it again. I told her if she wants to have them as friends that's fine, but please stop forcing the friendship on me and the boys. I had to pick S14 up from my brother's house on Sunday. When I came home the neighbor's nephew was in my house with my S7. There was a BB Gun on the floor. S7 told me that they were outside killing birds and shooting at rabbits. I was very upset. I confronted my W. She said I wasn't it to it - so that doesn't mean our boys shouldn't experience it. I told her that having a 7 year old running around unsupervised with a BB gun is not very responsible and I am very upset that i wasn't consulted. I told her that he is too young for any of that. She didn't agree with me and dropped it.

She told me that she is very afraid that I am going to "pull the chain" out from under her feet. I didn't know what the hell that meant. She seemed to indicate that she thought I was getting ready to leave her and try to take the kids. That's one of the times that I told her that I loved her and had no intention of doing anything but trying to save my marriage and my family. I told her that I have no agenda like that whatsoever and reiterated my vows to her and asked to really try and remember who I am and that would explain everything.

She has been getting close to the neighbor again. She asked me to try and understand. She said there are no romantic feelings there on her part whatsoever. I am having a hard time with that.

I agree with Bill that mine is not a traditional DB case, so I struggle heavily at times with what to do.

mulesqb,

I think this is actually good cycling. You are who she is turning to to talk to and that is also a positive. Could you reassure her that you have no expectations somehow and be close to her? By that I mean be intimate without ml and just being close? Even without kissing her, you can use body language and gentle signs that you want to comfort her. One of the things I've tried to do in the last week is to spend as much time as possible with my h and just not talking. Just being. Kind of something new for me.

Thanks KJ - Good points. The hugging has been big for me. She's been so cold for so long that I actually felt nervous leaning towards her to hug her. One time I just rubbed her back because i felt I was overdoing it. At night she has been asking me to rub her legs because they hurt her. She's been walking Duncan a lot. I have been doing that for her. It's very difficult because that is how she used to initiate ML. After the third time of her asking I thought maybe she was trying to initiate so I asked her if she wanted to and she said no. She apologized and said that because she feels depressed she just has no desire right now. I told her that was ok but i have been trying to do just what you say so she knows I am ok with her feeling that way and am just there to support her.

This morning when I left for work I asked to hug her and she did it. When i got in the car I felt I shouldn't have done it and should have just said goodbye and have a nice day in a nice upbeat tone.

Honestly, while I really do want to ML to her right now - I'm nervous about it because it's been so long. So right now I wouldn't mind intimacy without ML so that we can build back up to it. I think jumping right back into ML maybe a little too fast at this point.

mules....could there possibly be another man involved here? Is there a concern about her going back to the neighbor? I am not trying to imply anything nor make bad feelings come up. I am just.....asking.

FIB

Here we go again . . .

(((mulesqb)))

Just a word of advice. Don't come out and ask if she wants to ml. Just be nice. Use body language. Don't ask. Rub her sore legs. Don't expect ml. Just be there. Rub her back. Hold her when she cries. Be there, be close, no words. Pretend you are mute.

I seem to get closer to my h the more I keep quiet. Words can be misconstrued, a gesture, a touch, or a gentle hug not so much.

His eyes tell me everything I need to know.

Mules,

I feel for you. I know how confusing all this cycling seems to be and I can't imagine what you are going through. My situation is much more black and white; not the constant emotions. But maybe that's because you are dealing with a woman and not a man...

I would be furious about the BB gun too. You are totally right on that.

Good luck! I keep reading so you are not alone...