Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Divorced, But Not Done Wife filed for divorce, now what?

Its been a while so I wanted to update.
Soon to be EW and I have been going to MC. When she does the assignments its eems to bring us closer, however she doesn't do them all.
I have started going out to the house. Mainly I have been showing her that I can do the work she didn't think that I would do and more. I have been doing most of the house work, laundry, yard work, taking care of the animals and often cooking or buying dinner. I put fresh flowers in two spots each week. Have started training one of our dogs in a sport we both had done together before. In fact I just did a comp yesterday. W showed up telling me she was proud of me for traing, and the follow through of trialling the dog. That made me feel wonderful
MC has given us many tasks. There are two that we need to do every day. One is to fill out a chart telling the other what they did today that made them feel loved. The other is we need to have 3-5 daily rituals that "feed" the R. I am very faithful about doing this, W however is not. Usually only does it when i bring it up. We have learned so wonderful communication skills there as well and our conversations have been more civil. Still have a long way to go but progress is being made.
There are two issues that bug me very bad. One is the "Icare but don't love you and don't know if I can or want to". The other is a OM.
The "I don't love you " thing I see some of but her actions speek louder to me than the words. She is the type of person that if she didn't want me around, I wouldn't be around. She would never let me out to house if there wasn't something that she see's that she needs or wants. She has told me many times that she likes the changes to my presonality that I have made in the past few months but that she almost expects me to revert back to who I was. I like who I am better now than at any time in my life so that is a very slim chance. There is also when she told that MC that she has some hope for the future and is willing to work on it. Then the next week tells me that she doesn't think that she can work on it as she doesn't think that she will change her mind about me. I feel that she is very scared and afraid that she does have feelings but doesn't want to get hurt again. Thoughts?
As for the OM. I got to snopping around and found out that she had put a singles add on the internet. I do know that she has gone out with at least one guy from there. She also has a friend, as she puts it, in her dog training club that she likes to "hang out" with. She tells me not to worry that there is nothing between them and that she has not pursued anybody fromn the net in a month. So I looked at her txt messages and saw a few that could be suggestive to the "friend" and found a box of condoms in her drawer with four missing. She said she has had them since I got kicked out in July "just in case". She did produce the four that were missing. Last week I was looking in her bag and foudn four, the box now has six. A day later the bag had three. So I call BS on her. She won't admit or deny just tells me that I am making assumtions and not to worry. What ever!!!! This is even funnier since I mentioned a week or so ago that I was thinking to go visit an old GF that I have stayed friends with for about 6 years. She was GF long before I got married to W. So W says why don't I go visist somebody else? I don't have anybody else to go visit. "If I find out that you have sex than I am done, its a deal breaker". There won't be, we don't even have feelings like that anymore and that is the farthest thing from my mind. Does anybody see a double standard here???!!!!
I know I need to trust her and there is no direct just circumstancal evidence of OM. But for her to tell me that makes me mad as h#!!.
So a few things have happened in the past month. Still have hope for the future for our R but starting to have my doubts and just needed to vent.
B

This week has been better. Monday we had a great dinner and watched tv. Last Thurs the coach told me to hint to her how much she needs me to help her around the house. So I asked her in a silly way, "who takes care of you the best?". She smiled and said "you" then thanked me for all that I had done for her that day. Went to leave gave a short hug, in the past I have tried to give longer hugs, but this was short. She gave me an odd look, like she was confused. Turned around said good night and walked out the door.
Next day when she came home from work I was working in the garden, she came out to help. We also took two of the dogs for a long, 7 mile, walk. This was the best time we have had with each other in years. The converstion was smooth, friendly, she mad eye contact, shared how she has been feeling about life, joked around, talked about the future(garden, dogs, yard). All in all it was as if we were best friends again. We both even wrote that in our home work for coaching.
Another thing she did was do her home work from coaching on her own one day that I was at work. That was neat to see that she had done that without me reminding her.
Weds. I did the "I have plans" thing when she came home. We talked a bit and I said I need to go and have a great night. Again she gave a puzzled look. She wrote that down in her homework, that I gave her space without asking.
FYI. the home work is to write things that the partner did that day to make you feel loved. Fun idea, everybody should try it. I think it makes her see that I do a lot for her and she does, despite what she says, show love for me.
Thurs I made her dinner and we watched tv. She snuggled up to me on the couch and had me hold her in my arms. As soon as the show was over I got up and said I need to go. Short hug. This time she held on a bit longer and even layed her head on my shoulder. As well as the puzzeled look.
Earlier that night I had come from therapy. She noticed something was wrong. We ended up talking about what had happened in therapy. Therapy, basically told me to move on that she is a lost cause. I dissagree. Anyway, we got into the R talk. She says she doesn't know if she will love me but appreciates my changes and my effort. I think I shocked her when I said that even if she asked me today to move back in that I wouldn't. Third puzzeled look of the week. She asked why and almost seem hurt. I told her I have more work to do on myself and that she needs to get help with her mental issue. She agreed. Told her I don't even think that six months down the road would I be ready. Said earliest would be next summer. She got a huge look of relief. Asked as much an she said that is a huge load off of her thinking that I am in a hurry. Asked her that since I am doing this for me and us if she would commit to getting help. Told her I could walk away a lot easier if she could, with a clear head, tell me she didn't want me. She agreed. Even asked if she could see my Psych nurse. Now the follow through will be the test.
Anyway all in all a good week.
She admits that I take care and know her the best. She likes that.She is showing signs, again, of going to go get help for her issues. She is acting more like my best friend and not the mad WAW. Don't get me wrong that part of her shows through but is starting to get shadowed by the friend.
Some very positive signs this week. Hope that I can stay the course and keep them rolling. Only time will tell.

Seems like a ton of pressure on her, especially since she says she doesn't have those feelings for you, what with all the MC, homework and such. I'm surprised that she even bothers. I'd be happy if she did any of it. But all this apparent pressure doesn't seem to be "not working", or at least not entirely. I think she likes the idea of you being around doting on her, but is it just using you or more?



I wouldn't bring it up when she doesn't do it. She might right now, but eventually she'll tell you to shove it. You need to focus on what you are doing without worrying about what she's doing or not doing.

Last thing: With all your efforts seemingly devoted entirely to her (do you basically clean her house without living there?) and very little self-care, I think you'll burn out. And I don't think it's a healthy relationship where one person gives gives gives and the other just takes. What things can you list that you do for yourself. Do you have even one activity that takes you away from her and is solely for yourself?