The W called me today letting me know that she was filing next week. She wanted to have her legal responsalibity of me ended. The odd thing is she aske about going to Coaching, going with me to my therapy for my issues, talked about weekly dating, allowing me at the house to do chores/yard work and cook her dinner every now and then. I really don't get this. I the divorce just some way to give her power even though she wants to continue to work things out and at a more rapid pace? My gut tells me her mother is pressuring her to divorce yet she is conflicted and still wants to be with me and work our issues out and trust me again. Any ideas, comments, etc?
This seems to be a very odd situation....... I know some DBers would disagree...... But, I would ask her some questions about her intentions without directly initiating R talk....... Let her explain herself... Listen and validate....
My big concern for you is she turns into a big time cake eater... She will want you to be a "family" at times..... She will have the "benefits" of a H..... While she has her "freedom" to do whatever she wants because she is divorced.....
Take Care,
NMD
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
I agree that this is a case of "have my cake and eat it too". What I really think is behind this is her mother. She will not stand up to that woman on any issue and has been getting nothing but negative remarks about me for weeks now. When I met with W today to give her the starting materials for coaching she was receptive ans seemed hopful. When I left she let me hug her, layed her head in my chest and pressed it there for about a min. First time in years that she has done that. Talk about a rollercoaster!!!!
Just a general question. How many people that have worked on their relationship after divorce have ended up back together in herer? That is what I am getting from the wife, she wants the divorce, and me to work on our issues and have a future relationship that boggles my mind
How many people that have worked on their relationship after divorce have ended up back together in here?
Great question. I see people make metion off it, but I have not seen many post on how it happened or what it took to pull it off.
I just passed the one year mark on my divorce and am not quite sure how to proceed. Both me and my XW seem to be in a holding pattern with our personal lives. We spend most of our free time together, but just as friends. I have not dated anyone or tried, not because I do not want to, but because I do not know quite how to approach it. On her part she has not because she does not want to, at least that is what she tells me. She says she has no interest in being in any type of relationship.
I do feel however that I may have a chance with her if I can find a way to rebuild the attraction that she once had for me. I know she loves and cares for me, but she is not attracted to me.
p.s. ff468 where abouts in Utah are you? I am up in Weber County.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
Nugget That sound like what my W wants to do. Date each other, like when we first began the re eval. in six months to a year. My question to her is why the divorce then, why not sepration or a legal seperation. It is puzzling that she is willing to go to coaching, dates with me and have me help her around the house. I just don't get why she is hell bent on divorce when it seems she wants to improve our marriage and get back together when I have made the changes I need to. I am certain that her mother has put this in her mind and fed it to her the past few weeks. Actions and words are not matching if you know what I mean. B By the way we are in Bluffdale.:)
Not knowing how much influence your MIL has on your sit or on your W. I can not comment, but will not rule it out. Aside from influence from your MIL you W may be using it as leverage or control. As long as she has the D card in her hand and you do not want the D then she has control over you in her own way.
I am sure you have heard this before, but if not take it to heart. In our situations, do not believe anything they say and only believe half of what they do. In other words. Their actions do speak louder then words, but even their action can have a hidden agenda. So if she is insisting that she wants the D but has not filed for it, then that sounds like a bluff. Especially if she is talking counseling etc.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
Wife handed me the divorce papers after our first one on one meeting with coach. I was happy to see her open up with the coach and express herself and her needs. After she handed me the papers i asked "now what"?".She says she wants this marriage over but wants to start on a new positive relationship with me. Again she said dating me, letting me help her, and continue to go to coaching with the hopes that we can get back together in six months to a year after she sees my changes are holding and are real. I am conflicted with that. But if this is what it takes to have her open up and start anew then i guess that is a road I will need to go down.
Interesting approach she is taking, but I do see some positive in it. At least she is open to dating you. In a way she is giving you a chance to start over from scratch, but this time you have a new understanding of what is needed to make a marriage successful and you also have a better understanding of what can go wrong in a marriage. Most of us here would kill for that type of change with our WAS, XW, or XH. I say all the above, obviously not knowing what your wife's true intention are of course. She could be just blowing smoke. She may be saying to you hey let's start over and try again, but first let's get divorced. Then she may just leave you hanging. But, she may be sincere and really need the freedom that she "THINKS" that a divorce will bring her, in order to try over again with you. To me a trial separation makes more sense then a straight out divorce. If she is really sincere about giving you another chance, then why go through the drama and expense of a D.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
Nugget I agree about the legal sep. I don't get the divorce thing even though she has explained her thoughs, ending one chapter to open a new and improved on. Never in the five years that I have know her has she given me any reason to doubt her honesty. If she says this will help her open up and start a new relationship with the goal of getting back together than I truly think she means it. She would not agree to coaching, us dating each other etc if she didn't think we have a chance of getting back together. I am taking that leap of faith in her that she is truthful with me now as she has been always in the past.
