Thanks for the reminder MfT. I can see it's easy to excited then start to push for a faster pace. I thought about this very thing this morning when I was reflecting on all that took place yesterday.
Ken
Last edited by ken; 07/31/0805:58 PM.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
You really drove home the detachment thing for me and I printed out the map that you recently wrote. I'm not sure you know how much you have helped me - both in my thread and all the threads where you've helped so many people.
I was so afraid of me going over to my brothers house but the seperation has really helped both of us. She has had the space and time to think and reflect on things and it has given me a new perspective of being able to let go. It has given me the opportunity to really step out of the middle of the situation and do some soul searching. It's how I discovered my unhealthy connection that I had to my wife and how to remove it. It's also given me an opportunity to really see alot of my issues and how to work on improving myself.
It took the edge off our situation and dropped the stress level way down for the both of us.
I only agreed to do it because she was saying it's what she needed and I can see it was a true act of giving on my part. I put my fears and worries aside to give her what she said she wanted. And in return, I got the bonus of seeing it's exactly what I needed also. I think I worked on keeping an open mind and to not project the worst possible scenario.
Wow - Ken - this is just incredible. You've completely summed up the value of detachment in a way that I just couldn't complete grasp until I read this...I'm going to copy and paste these words together with MfT's road map.
1. Leave your emotions. 2. Detach-drop the rope-let it go. 3. Gal 4. Gal with the kids. 5. take care of yourself 6. Validate and empathize. 7. most important--don't bite when they bait you. 8. don't argue when they rewrite history. 9. get yourself in good physical shape. 10. let them think you are ok and will move on. 11. don't talk to close freinds and family about your sitch. 12. vent here not at your W or kids..
start connecting the dots on the map..
If you can do all that with "no Emotion" then you have a shot at them coming out of their fog.
If you can't drop your emotion and fight, defend, pick up the bait..like all men are prone to do then IMO you chances are not good.
No Emotion/detaching..those are the best chances. Those are key.
I went over there this morning and played with the kids. I had alot of fun. I had two down days but got it together to show only PMA while I was there.
In the afternoon I went to IC session and it went really well. I went back to the house and hung with the wife and kids. We made a campfire in the backyard and toasted some marshmellows. Talked to wife a little about the sitch but nothing too major. Mostly about the bipolar stuff and some cycling up and down. Told her about my therapy session too.
My brother and his family are away so I'm at the house myself. My wife said, "If you want to stay here tonight that would be ok." Said she didn't want me to be alone if it was a problem for me. Wasn't sure how to respond so we kinda left it at that.
We ate dinner and then gave the kids baths and put them to bed. Around 8:45 I told her I was going to leave and then she asked me if I wanted to stay and watch a movie. Of course, I said yes.
So we went into our bedroom and watched Say Anything. An old movie from the 80's. After it was over she rolled over and snuggled with me. Then she kissed me.
Not just a kiss, but a kiss kiss. It was awesome. Felt like when I first met her. We kissed for about 5 minutes. Nice passion.
I told her, "Did I ever tell you were an awesome kisser?" She said, "You too." Then I just held her for a little while. Got up and got ready to leave. I told her I had a really nice time hanging out with her and the kids and she said she did too. I told her we'd get it straightened all out and she said yes. Then she said it was nice to spend some time together just the two of us with no kids.
I gave her a hug and kiss goodbye and exchanged ILY's. Was a really nice feeling.
My newest goal was she was going to ask me out on a date - that was her asking me to stay to watch a movie. My other goal was to get some kind of sign that she still felt something for me - that was the kiss.
What a difference a day makes.
Ken
Last edited by ken; 08/03/0803:43 AM.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
I went over there this morning and played with the kids. I had alot of fun. I had two down days but got it together to show only PMA while I was there.
In the afternoon I went to IC session and it went really well. I went back to the house and hung with the wife and kids. We made a campfire in the backyard and toasted some marshmellows. Talked to wife a little about the sitch but nothing too major. Mostly about the bipolar stuff and some cycling up and down. Told her about my therapy session too.
My brother and his family are away so I'm at the house myself. My wife said, "If you want to stay here tonight that would be ok." Said she didn't want me to be alone if it was a problem for me. Wasn't sure how to respond so we kinda left it at that.
We ate dinner and then gave the kids baths and put them to bed. Around 8:45 I told her I was going to leave and then she asked me if I wanted to stay and watch a movie. Of course, I said yes.
So we went into our bedroom and watched Say Anything. An old movie from the 80's. After it was over she rolled over and snuggled with me. Then she kissed me.
Not just a kiss, but a kiss kiss. It was awesome. Felt like when I first met her. We kissed for about 5 minutes. Nice passion.
I told her, "Did I ever tell you were an awesome kisser?" She said, "You too." Then I just held her for a little while. Got up and got ready to leave. I told her I had a really nice time hanging out with her and the kids and she said she did too. I told her we'd get it straightened all out and she said yes. Then she said it was nice to spend some time together just the two of us with no kids.
I gave her a hug and kiss goodbye and exchanged ILY's. Was a really nice feeling.
My newest goal was she was going to ask me out on a date - that was her asking me to stay to watch a movie. My other goal was to get some kind of sign that she still felt something for me - that was the kiss.
What a difference a day makes.
Ken
Great job Ken, The snuggling in bed and the kisses were great and the fact that you got up and said goodby without expecting anything else was great also. Leaver her wanting more and play a little hard to get. I like it.
Keep that PMA and keep taking it slow and steady you are well on your way my friend.
It's funny how we can have a nice day like yesterday and then the next day no contact. Not sure why that is. Maybe it's a bit of a pull-away on her side.
My new goals:
1. To be back in the house in the next week and a half. 2. Get another call just to say hi.
We talked a little about when I'll be coming back home. I told her I was a bit anxious about coming back because of my concern about her stress level rising.
We have MC tomorrow night. I'll bring it up there. I leave this Thursday for a family reunion in Florida and I'll be back home on Sunday. Then she's leaving Wed to go up to her brother's lakehouse with the kids. So it would be a good time to phase me back in. I was thinking either stay there one night this week before I leave for the reunion, then move back in Monday after the reunion. I'll be there for two nights before she leaves for the lakehouse. Or maybe just wait to move in after my reunion - this gives us another week apart and some more time to decompress. Not sure which one is better.
This way it won't be a full jump into us being together 24/7. I am a bit worried about going back into the sitch and her getting all stressed out again. I'm definitely in a different place than I was before I moved out, but I worry about us living together and the stress going up again. I guess as long as I give her space and keep taking care of myself it will help.
Being apart makes it easier stress-wise since we aren't in each other's space so much. The way it's been is we've basically seen each other every 3 days or so. It also gives us time to miss each other and to have things to talk about. Guess there's no use worrying about it, just have to deal with as it comes.
I forgot to mention that a few nights ago I was talking on the phone and she told me how my daughter talks about me constantly. I said, "It's nice to be missed. I'm glad the kids miss me." And she said, "They do. And I miss you too." I kind of dismissed it as her just throwing that in there because she felt bad, but my therapist just about slapped me yesterday when I told her. She said that my wife has been very open and honest about how she feels and often said things I may not like to hear - she said I need to start taking things at face value and stop discounting them. She's right. I guess it's just me worrying about the other shoe dropping.
In that same conversation my wife told me (I forgot the context) something along the lines of - "we want the old Kenny back, or rather the new and improved Kenny and not the one that drives me crazy."
I have to remember to detach, be VERY PATIENT (very hard for me), keep GALing, PMA, and to keep letting her lead. It's hard especially when the positives hit like they did in that past few days. I start to hope she'll call again just to say hi and that becomes a bit of an expectation. When it doesn't happen I then have to work myself back into no expectations and then it's ok.
The other thing I've been working on big time is my future projection. I've been using a ton of self talk to stop myself from negative projection. This is a big one for me. To not read into what she is/isn't doing and what it means and what it means in the future. Hard to do.
Anyway, enough rambling.
Ken
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
