Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Help...I think I did a 180...I hope

I can see why you wonder if he is really serious. I was wondering that from the start. But, you might as well assume he is, and see what happens, rather than assume he isn't. It can't hurt, it seems to me.

Wow, Jeff...you have 4 sons...and two are the same age as mine!

I was also thinking that if he isn't serious...then I will have done all I can do, he can't blame me for being the obstacle.

I've already proven that the other times...and he doesn't remember or know that...but, maybe he's growing out of his MLC after all this time??

I wanted to add a part of our conversation from earlier in the day, at least for me to remember when I re-read this.

This morning he accused me of never getting enough prasie. That he, nor my friends, have ever been able to please me enough.

That really hurt...I said, 'WOW...how would anyone ever want to be around me???" It really bugged me. I felt accused of being a controlling b-t-c-h!

When I later suggested to H that he and the kids have a dinner alone, no problem, he seemed a tad,....shocked, I think.

I Tm-d him later: 'I believe it is important that you reconnect w/the kids. I don't believe I am as controlling over you, the kids, or my friends, as you make me out to be....also, I'm sorry you feel the way you do about me and family but that's your free will. I don't agree but I know I will be fine no matter what.'

H tm: I'm not sure how to respond....

Me tm: 'It's simply that you don't really know me...too much time has passed and too much has happened in my life since you left'

~~
Not sure if I should have said all that, but it's part of today's story.

Also, S13 said that brother asked dad if he would go to church with us.

Dad said 'I'm thinking about it'.

(earlier in his conversation w/me, H didn't want to do any family things w/me)

Well...it's typically, noncommital...but, it's not 'silence' or negative.

So...like you say...we'll see what happens....

The morning after....

Well...the birthday visit for D8 yesterday, and the emotion upheavel is over.

Today feels the same as all the other days H is just....absent.

At least I stayed low-profile and let H and kids have their own time.

My brain gets the best of me when I wonder if he too feels down, or depressed, after spending such great time with kids....and even me....then H goes home, alone....and after seeing how the kids have not stopped getting their own life....without him.

Or...my brain gets me angry when it thinks, H had is time with kids, got his emotional fix and goes his merry way happy, content.

It's hard to shake the thoughts and feelings of H 'using' kids and me, to just feel better.

I may have been 'fighting' in some way to keep kids from H...and it feels very liberating to let go, and let H see them whenever.

But, I have always felt I was protecting the kids' emotional well being by keeping H at an arms length. The kids used to get very upset and angry after a day w/dad. They are angry w/H for being around whenever H wants to....whenever H has time, etc.

Why does H get to pick and choose when and how long he spends time with his kids?

I can't get the negative things H said about being in a family with me...that he doesn't want that, but he won't get a divorce either.

I can't get the hurtful things he said about never being able to please me....then he's nice when I am nice.

I'm confused. H says nasty things.

I have to snap out of it!!!

I just remembered that last night S13 told H about a poem I had written a while back. H asked me to send it to him. (I wrote this when I was starting to get my life back...I wanted my kids to know that there ARE things that I like)

Here is it:

I Like Cotton


I like cotton, I like cilantro.
I like pansies, I like the beach.
I like my happy children playing, I like running a couple miles.
I like Trig and Calculus, I like Beethoven and Bach.
I like Merlot. I like Stella; I like water and Diet Coke.
I like lobster and salad, I like milk and cookies.

I like kittens and I like the rain.
I like when it thunders. I just like when it rains.
I like fireflies, I like little frogs.
I like making trees grow, and grass and plants.
I like how flowers surprise me when they come back each year.

I like fresh scented candles, I like soft lights.
I like deep blue skies. I like soft body spray.
I like fountains, I like my porch.
I like wind chimes, I like spring.
I like my curtains to dance.
I like fresh cotton sheets…..I like how things feel.



~~’Sophie’…

Any suggestions which forum I should be in?

I feel my WAH is in MLC...but, maybe we're at a stage that doesn't belong here.

Me-50
H-38
Married 15 years 8/7/08
D8
S10
S13
H affair 11/04-7/05
H moved out 4/06
4/06-9/07 lots of family time together.
9/1/07 I asked H to either pursue a divorce or find a way to bring the family back together...the limbo land was not working.
9/1/07- today...no contact from him to the kids at all, and he has been for soccer games and special days...only...about 60 different days, for a few hours...

Hi Sophie,


MLC seems like a good place, Seperated would work. Anywhere you really feel comfortable...



Sorry, doesn't matter what you think, it is what he thinks.

I know there is the theory about believing none of what an MLC says, well I believe it is in context of what they are talking about. As soon as they start complaining about the LBS it is time to perk your ears up, and listen, because they are telling you what they feel is wrong, and what bothers them about their spouse.

On self introspection the things that 'sting' are the things that usually have a grain of truth to them.



Short idea: possible MLC.

Longer idea: If he truely feels that you were always controlling then he might be rebelling.

DBing is about becoming a better person. I have no regrets for having done this, having to look into the mirror and realzie that no I wasn't this great husband or father or guy.
Now I am, but I am still trying to be better.



If it is not true, then do not worry about it.
If it true, then work on it.

Jack,

You're right...H has voiced many times a 'power' he feels I have over him. I do need to concentrate on my instinct to control. I'm a teacher too...and you know how 'organized' and 'by the bell' teachers are!

Backing off...letting go....That's the (perhaps only subtle) 180 for me yesterday.

I just said 'have a good time...I can use a break'...and let H and kids go about their day.

I think you're also right about H thinking I'm controlling and thus, he rebells.

It seems the rebelling gives H a sense of power that he needs. It seems he is on the edge of his chair waiting for anything to come out of my mouth that he can debate against or deny.

Yet, when I am nice and agreeable....H feels like crap for huritng me.

Sometimes, it feels I can't win.

There's a clue ...so keep being nice and agreeable - nice agreeable people are signficantly more desirable as life partners than cranky disagreeable people.


I just wanted to chime in on the control thing. I think you are spot on with understanding you need to "let go". It was interesting that even when you did let go yesterday and decided to let him take the kids without you - you still had to have the last say and texted him that stuff about how you dont' agree with him.

When you say "I don't agree" he hears "I think you are wrong."

Next time - remember you don't always have to have the last word.

Good luck.

V

Thank you, V for telling me some good, truthful, constructive stuff.

I didn't think of the text as 'having the last word'...but, I can see that H would take it that way.

It is still bothering me today, though, that he bashed my personality as being unpleasable, ever...and that I am such a B***tch to ALL of my friends.

I guess there must be some truth to that and I feel hopeless in EVER being a pleasent person.

But.. now is time to work on letting go of many things...resentment being top of the list!!

Please chime in with more+++K?