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(((Figgy))), kudos to you for changing your family's life for the better.

I was also M'd to a violent man (first marriage). I left him when our S was 6 mos old because I would not subject our S to his violence......EVER!!! Then, like you, I M'd someone totally opposite. 2nd H was very mellow, religious, loved old ladies, kids and animals......oh yeah, and strippers. Couldn't be faithful if his life depended upon it!!!!

All we can do is learn from our mistakes, clean up the debris that's left behind and move on. That's why, I will not M MG for a very long time. I want to make sure there's no mistakes. We've lived together for over a year and so far nada!!!

My biggest challenges with a 5 y.o. girl have been:

A) Not spoiling her rotten, as both an only child and one whose mom has gone nutso and all-but abandoned her, it's hard not to let a lot slide, but it starts to show when I do.

2) Learning how to listen to her. 5 y.o. mindless babble is sometimes not so mindless, it just requires that ear to listen for things put in a frame of reference she gets. This is especially important when identifying fears or worries.

C) Dealing with whacked out relatives who never took the time to give a sh!t before, but suddenly think their skewed view of the world is how my kid should be raised.

The dating thing hasn't been tough with my daughter. People that I dated that weren't anything serious, she never knew of. The first one that was a close relationship was her Godmother, but she has always known us as friends and nothing more, and that's how she continues to know us, even after that relationship became just a friendship. My current relationship, she didn't start seeing as anything more than a friendship until it was time to look at moving in together and joining families and all of that. And I'm infinitely grateful that she now knows and loves the other people who are important in my life.

So...on the topic of not spoiling....

how do you handle that?

I learn daily, and try to compare my daughter to other kids I know who aren't spoiled, at least not the same way , and whose upbringing and behavior is most like what I want to see for her.

Trial and error mostly for me. Unfortunately, I didn't realize what I needed to do to be a dad until about 2 years or so ago. So, I'm still a toddler parent raising a kindergarten kid.

The biggest thing seems to be identifying boundaries that I may have missed in the past and setting them for her.

not being defensive when people point things out to you

(which is really hard for anyone but single parents especially)

Especially when you're a defensive person by nature and experience.

For me, overcoming a lot of the things I found wrong with my self at the end of my marriage is just as important to being a better parent and improving for my kid, because I have so much to learn from other people. If I can't relate to them, I can't learn.

I think BH touched on the biggest thing. Boundaries. And balancing boundaries with still being a fun and happy parent.

Kids look to us for boundaries. They feel safe and secure with them. And they need to be consistant too. It's not always easy. A lot of times its easier to just get sucked into a yelling match and argue...but it doesn't work or help. You need to state the boundary and stick to it without getting sucked in. And if the boundary is crossed there needs to be punishment for it. If you do X, Y will happen. Again consistant. There has been more than one night where i have been driving to go out to dinner with them and had to turn around because someone wasn't following the rules. None were not happy...but sure enough...they realized I wasn't bluffing anymore.

I have seen dramatic changes in my D. She is a very bright little girl who has always tested her boundaries. I used to argue, scream and be inconsistant. I was just reacting emotionally and not logically. Well that has changed - although we slip back once in a while - and I have seen the difference first hand. She is happier, she tends to listen more and is all around a better kid for it.

My 2 cents.

Hey BH...I certainly don't know these people or what they are suggesting...but I was left wondering if there is a connection between....


and....


Just food for thought.

In that one instance, there is not a correlation.

Some people have mental illnesses that need to be treated. That's all.

Fair enough. As I said, don't know them or the exact sitch.