Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Harder than I thought

Since (like my H) he can't take even minor criticism, I think you will have to put a lot of thought into what you say, and frame it so that you are telling him what you'd like him to do, not what you don't like that he's doing now. You should also take it slow, and don't hit him with everything at once!

Jeannine: Thanks, I can't wait for the book to turn up.

Nik: I did have a very small piece of bread, just couldn't resist! I kept looking at that loaf and saying you are an Atkins Diet Buster (DB'er) I will pop over to your thread now.

Susan: Thanks for your input, you are right I need to frame things as positive suggestions - please do this, rather than don't do that. However I have tried that with him and he still manages to regard it as a criticism. I might say <<I like it when you do X>> to which his reply is <<Oh so you don't like it when I do Y>>. Crazy

Fran

Hmm how do I handle this one. When we were separated H and I agreed on a timeshare system for babysitting which went like this.
My free time: Tuesday night, Thursday night, alternate Friday nights. All day Sunday
His free time: Monday night, Wednesday night, alternate Friday nights. All day Saturday
Now we are back together but he still seems to want to carry on with the system? I had assumed otherwise. I am especially not happy about the weekend arrangements. I know he thinks it's a problem when we are all four together and that the kids play up and I become more controlling. Although I am working on that one I feel we should try to work together so we can become a proper family unit and all four be together easily. I know this is what S(4) would like. It also doesn't leave us much time together as a couple.

what does anyone think


Fran

Fran,

Could you talk to your H again and maybe suggest 1 day/wk for family time and maybe 1-2days/month to have a date night? You adlib as needed but if you compromised before about your schedule maybe it's time to compromise again. I know compromising brings up "expectations" so now that you are together what does DB say??

If there is a way you can say and/or write about your FEELINGS concerning this issue, that could be helpful.

nik

Hi Fran, thanks for the summary. It DOES help.

Gosh, the similarities in some of our personalities and issues is a little freaky sometimes!

Yet at the same time it offers a great opportunity to learn what others are doing that works!

Your feelings of dissatisfaction with your H at this point are very common. LOTS if not all, of us have looked at what we fought (and are working) so hard for and thought...I'm doing this all for HIM?

But those feelings come and go, crop up less and less as BOTH spouses start to work on the R.

That's the problem for your right now, you feel like you're paddling the boat alone. We've all been there and it's tiring!!!

So how do you get your overly sensitive to criticism guy to start pulling his weight in this R. HAVE you suggested any reading?

I tend to think, since he is so sensitive to criticism, that the 5 love languages might be a good start because it has the reader not only thinking of their lover's needs but their own as well.

It might just provide the launching pad you need to get this peicing going!

Shiny

Thanks Shiny,

5LL arrived yesterday. Right now I am reading John Gray's How to get what you want and want what you have. It's inspiring on a different level to R books. There is a lot in there about positive and negative energy and how sensitive people tend to pick up a lot of negative energy from others and have difficulty discharging it. This sounds like H to me. On the other hand less sensitive people (moi!) are more or less immune to negative energy but still need to work on their feelings to get the most out of life.

I will give 5LL to H to read. Don't know if he will but who knows.

We are doing pretty good right now. Having a good weekend, it's 26 degrees (celsius) and sunny, rare for England

H and I are ML about 2-3 times a week!!! Real return to the early days (sorry shiny you didn't need to year that! ) So maybe now would be a good time to read a book like 5LL while we are in a good mood with each other.

Fran

Oh, Heck Fran! I'm Happy for all of you who are "clickin'" at present. And I guess being Canadian, one of the few who know just how nice 26 degrees is!!

Happy Reading.

Shiny

Well folks, I sped through 5LL at a sprint on Sunday. It's a very straight forward read which is great. John Gray's books (Mars & Venus etc) can be hard going.

Had tears in my eyes when I read the chapter on Quality Time that is definitely my love language. H has said derisively in the past - I can't stand the way your family just wants to sit round a teapot!
It made me feel like he thought we were lazy. Now I know that shooting the breeze with each other is how we show love. That's the way we KNOW each other by spending time listening to each other's opinions on everything.

H has always glazed over when I try and get into a conversation with him. For him a quick exchange of information is enough. And he HATES being contradicted. He shuts down if I bring up an alternate point of view and it feels to me like we've just got the raquets out for a nice game of tennis and because I've returned his serve he storms off in huff saying he's not playing anymore. (Sorry Wimbledon is on at the moment - LOL). This completely invalidates my love language.

I also gained a big insight as to why I was eaten alive by jealousy when my first long term partner had an EA (which split us up) and this time when H had EA/PA it barely touched me. Previous partner and I spoke each other's love language big time, when he had EA he was switched on to her and no longer talking properly to me - result BIG LOSS and HUGE jealous feelings. This time around it barely felt like I lost anything.

His LL is acts of service. Now I know this doing stuff around the house no longer feels so much like a chore. He is reading 5LL now so hopefully he will understand my LL.

BTW I also spotted that S(4)'s LL is also acts of service which is why he acts so much like a baby and wants me to do everything for him. It used to annoy the hell out of me, but now I understand it's a way to show him I love him then I'll do it. Also he will speak the same LL back to me someday


Fran

Now what!
H and I had a pretty good evening last night except for.... wait I'll get to that part.

He came home having read 5LL on the train. He had managed to figure out my LL (Quality Time). We were watching tennis on TV and he said, I guess watching tennis isn't really quality time. So I said - oh so you worked it out then? Looks at me like I think he's a dope or something. Then I laugh and say watching tennis with me counts as quality time because I like watching tennis and you are showing an interest in something that interests me.

Anyway the match had nearly finished so when it was over we went and sat outside and chatted properly, talked about when the quality time aspect of our relationship had started to disappear, and about stuff we can do to reintroduce it. I reckon his LL is acts of service. He wasn't so sure this was right, but then he wouldn't say what it was and said the book was just a framework and too simplistic.

Anyway we ended by agreeing that my LL's in order of preference are:
Quality Time
Physical Touch
Words of Affirmation

not interested in

Acts of Service
Receiving Gifts

And H's are
Acts of Service
Words of Affirmation
Physical Touch

Not interested in

Quality Time
Receiving Gifts

Well that's cool at least we know can save money on birthdays and christmas LOL!

Anyway the more we talked the more he started to understand stuff I had long said about him not working so hard, that money didn't mean that much to me and having him around does (more quality time, less gifts!) And also the fact of him working so hard is an act of service.

Sooooo this got him on to the subject which has been close to his heart for a while, and which I have pushed aside, which is he wants us to emigrate somewhere warm so he can start a scuba diving school. UNNGHH!! Thud went my heart, not that again. I thought he had got over MLC and was happy to raise his family somewhere where they can get a decent education etc. Also I would prefer to stick around close to my family and friends.

So where to now? I feel like I have had a lump in my throat since he said it. I feel like we are almost back to square one and that the real root of all our problems has been his desire to emigrate and my desire not to. Apparently (though I don't remember it) I promised him that's what we would do before he agreed to have kids. I thought we had kids because we BOTH wanted to not as a bargaining tool.

YUK YUK YUK

Don't know what to do or think now, this is making me miserable because although we are ticking along nicely together I feel as if our life goals are so distinct one of us can never be happy without making the other one unhappy.

Fran

Fran,

Here goes my 2 cents

H and I moved 500 miles away from our family (8 hrs.) This was 8 yrs. ago. I was homesick for 4 years. I hated being away from my family but H loved where we moved to. We had a plan that we would move back in 2-3 yrs. Well, that obviously didn't happen. I always let H know I wanted to move back. Well, after we had the kids I got less homesick and more focused on "our" immediate family. Now, I would move across the country if we could be happily married and have H love me again!

H feels I have not supported his dreams by not wanting to stay in an area that would be more condusive to him persuing a career in golf. (warmer weather)

It's great to have family around but I think it is even better to be happily married and have a loving and supportive mom and dad around for the kids.

NIK