NH, I don't think it's like you describe as the "I'm single" vibes. It's somewhere in-between. I would agree with you a year ago, when there was great distance in the M. There's much more connection privately, and more connection publicly than a year ago.
People in the dance community know that we're a couple. She tells people that we're living together, or that she's in a committed R. She just doesn't want to use the M word in public.
You raise a good point though. I wonder if she fears she will lose something if she proclaims that she's M. I wonder if she fears males in the dance community will treat her differently, and won't dance with her, or in the way that she likes if she proclaims her marital status.
The salsa community tends to be younger and youth-oriented. There is some pressure (particularly for women) to be pretty and fit. The ballroom community isn't as body-image focused, but being attractive and fit always helps.
Maybe this issue is more reflective of how she wants to be treated by males in the dance community, and her fear that it will be lost if she proclaims her marital status.
I agree with advice I've received that I should stand my ground on hiding my M status in my own home.
I don't think I'm going to confront her on this issue. I've let her know where I stand with the party. I think continuing to work on building positives in the M is the way to go. Hopefully, as the connection strengthens privately, than the public connection will follow.
At some point, it may be important to let her know that I would value being public about our marital status, and would hope that I could have the freedom to do so. This may be the way to phrase it rather than demanding it from her.
CL
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 07/16/0804:38 PM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Piecing Friends, I had a lapse with job stress last night. My supervisor is no longer with the agency, and the remaining staff await their fate.
I took my stress home last night, and had a hard time concentrating in dance class and being conversational with my W. She told me that it reminded her of much of our M, and that she was fearful that I would relapse back into old habits. She says that when I'm under chronic stress, that I'm distant, and she feels alone.
She mentioned these concerns in an email to me. I replied to her that dancing and poetry have provided greater balance in my life, and that even though there might be lapses, I didn't think a relapse into old patterns was likely.
I wrote a draft of a poem this morning about the experience of not being in control, and how to manage it gracefully.
I'm planning on joining my W for dancing tonight.
It was interesting to hear her perspective on past marital problems.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Matilda and Jak, Yes, we reconnected the next day, and went dancing the next evening.
I'm not sharing my poems with her at this time. They're drafts at this point.
We're meeting with a financial planner today.
There's a picnic this weekend at the home of someone in the dance community. I didn't go last year as there was great distance in the M, and didn't feel comfortable in public with my W.
I'm thinking I should attend this year, even though she's hesitant to display our marital status to the world. We're getting along much better in private, so it seems like a safe risk to venture out in public with her beyond a dance venue. I don't anticipate her using a public venue to be passive-aggressive like she has in the past. I'm still somewhat nervous about it though. I may drive separately, so I'm not trapped for the entire day, and lessen the risk of something going wrong.
Our anniversary was yesterday, and I forgot. It hasn't been celebrated these past several years, so the date doesn't stick out for me. She brought it up to me, and said she wasn't upset that I hadn't remembered. We had talked about celebrating it in Hawaii.
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 07/18/0803:01 PM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hi CL. Happy belated anniversary. Hope next year will be a wonderful celebration! Did your wife do something for you for your anniversary (besides reminding you that you forgot)???
I hope you will go with your wife to the picnic...in the same car!
Matilda, I will likely go the picnic, but suggest separate cars. She will want to stay all day, me a few hours. I'll talk to her and see.
I don't feel badly about forgetting our anniversary. It makes sense given the circumstances. The fact that she mentioned it to me is a good sign.
The meeting with the financial planner was helpful. He seems to think that we're in good shape, but need to work on credit card debt. It feels good to get these issues out on the table, and begin problem-solving without blaming. I think this kind of accountability will help both of us. We've done a good job of retirement saving, but marital and personal problems have derailed us in terms of depleting savings, and increasing debt. He's used to seeing this sort of thing, so is able to help us approach it with cool heads.
I liked how he framed my W's consistent use of her credit card as a cash flow issue. We're going to address this and look at different options.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W and I have been busy dancing three nights in a row. Our dancing is turning into a partnership. I think it's fair to say that my W and I have not been partners in any aspect of our M. It gives me hope that we can develop a partnership in other areas of our M (finances, sex, etc.).
I continue to sleep in the same bedroom, but have not yet pursued a sexual R. I told my IC that I'm not sure if I'm being avoidant, or am aware that it's not the right time. It seems like too big a step.
We meet again with the financial planner next week, to make some decisions in regards to managing debt, cash flow, and investment strategies.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
