What you are doing is great but do not get your hopes up on what your W said when you saw here drinking. Her emotions are on a roller coaster just like yours. Right now you are on different rides but going thru the same things.
She will at times be very distant and not want to be around you other times it will feel like old times. Do not take either one personally. These feelings will come and go as she trys to figure out what she wants. You need to have a thick skin or be like water on a ducks back and let these things roll right off you.
Being out of the house is not a bad thing. It will give both of you space. You to GAL and to have a safe place to allow your emotions out. But when you are with her you must be happy and have a PMA.
She will benifit from being away from you and it will allow her to miss you. She will be relieved at first but there will come a time when she will miss you. It may take a while but paitence is key here.
You need to stop worring about what she is doing or when she will call. Take care of yourself, get your med right and put your effort into your kids. they need you now more than ever.
Keep up with reading any books you can find. It will get easier and your emotions will not be all over the place. Vent all your frustrations and anger here, alot of people will listen and help you out.
There are alot of positives in you sitch, you just need to relax and be her friend right now.
Thanks distressed. All the feedback I'm getting is helping.
I just did an hour session with my IC and it went pretty well. She's helping me with the obsession compulsion about the situation and waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I'm working on the detaching thing but finding it hard as hell because I have the habit of only focusing on the bad crap and discounting any of the good stuff.
You're right about the roller coaster ride. I've seen the in and pull away pattern over the past few months. I know she has to figure out what she wants and I have no control over her feelings or the sitch in general. I can only (mostly) control what I do and say and how I act and react...but it is hard as hell.
Letting go and detaching has never been easy for me throughout my life due to many issues, but it's what is imperetive for me to do right now.
Thanks again for the feedback.
Ken
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Detatching is very difficult. You have grow dependent on your W. Now you are being told not to do that.
What you need to remember is that detatching from someone does not mean you do not love them it means you give them the space to be themselves and you the space to be yourself. You are trying to make yourself happy and she needs to do the same.
Once you find your inner peace and what makes you happy and truely love yourself then you can love someone else. But if you are so dependent on your W to do this for you it will be like an anchor to her, weighing her down until she drowns.
That is where I see you at. You need to GAL to not be an anchor to her but a safe port where she can come to. You want her to be with you because she wants to, not because you need her to be with you or she feels that is what you want her to do.
Thanks distressed. You're right on target. I definitely have an unhealthy attachment to my W. I'm working on it as part of my detachment. Have to pull the unhealthy hooks out.
She called me tonight because tomorrow is my son's 5th birthday. We were originally going to take him out in the afternoon for miniature golf, then ice cream, then a dinner later on, then a small party at the house. But she called and said he was upset saying, "I want daddy to be here for my birthday.. etc.." So she asked if I would come over around 7:30am to give him breakfast in bed (birthday tradition for us) then spend the day together.
She told me a bit about how her first IC session went and we had a bit of small talk. Right before we got off the phone she said ILY.
So I'm going to work on detachment with love, no R or M discussions, PMA, just focusing on being relaxed and centered, confident but also interacting. Focus on having fun with my family with no expectations.
Any suggestions for anything I'm missing would be appreciated.
Thanks.
Ken
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Enjoy the day Ken, you probably wont see this now but would have said just totally focus on your son, be polite and nice to W and enjoy your day. Kids birthdays are special, just to see their faces when they get their presents is worth the world.
Good ideas on what you were planning on doing. The more good memories you can make and the more fun you have with your kids will help all of you thru this rough time.
Had a good day. Went over to the house at 7 am and we had my son have breakfast in our bed. Then I helped clean up and we setup for the party we had planned for the evening. It was nice because I was very involved in getting the stuff setup and helping with the planning. In the past my wife used to do almost all of it while I was off in my own world.
A few hours after I was there I was in the kitchen with my wife and she was making dip. She said to me, "It's really nice having you here." "We just need to get you straightened out" (referring to the meds for my bipolar) She then gave me a kiss and a nice long hug, rubbing my back.
She also said, "We don't have it so bad off." I asked what she meant by that and she told me when she went to her IC yesterday they were talking about the possiblity of me going into outpatient services to get the biploar meds right. (Sometimes it's hard to find the right combination of meds to get the person stabilized). This is an option we talked about before I left the house.
She said C said most of the time people only go into outpatient or inpatient because of restraining orders. He then asked her, do you have a restraining order? And she said no. I guess she was realizing there were situations which are alot worse then the one we are in.
She also said her IC said because of my dual diagnosis it shouldn't be a problem for an insurance company to authorize an outpatient program. She also said that he told her it would be the quickest way to get the results we were looking for.
On the one hand it frustrates me that she's only focusing on my part in the marriage drift and my mental health problems, but on the other hand it's a positive that she's even talking about it also.
I felt pretty detached from her. We went bowling in the afternoon and had a really good time with our son and daughter (2 years old). Her grandmother came with us also. Was a nice time.
I didn't have any anxiety at all and there was no obsessive compulsive thinking about the sitch. I was just there enjoying myself. It was a nice family outing.
We had the birthday party around 6:30 and my brother, his wife and 2 kids came over. Again it went nicely and we had cake and my son opened up his presents. I had a good time watching his excitement.
My brother and his family left and my wife asked me to stay to put the kids to bed. So I read my daughter stories and sang to her till she fell asleep.
My son stayed up a bit and the three of us played a bowling game on the computer. It was nice because my wife included me in it. She said, dad would probably want to play and I walked over and she had already put my name in on the game. (I know it sounds small but it's a positive small)
A few other positives - earlier in the day W, MIL, FIL, and wife's grandmother were in the living room and I brought a chair in. My W was sitting on the couch and she said, "Forget the chair, come sit over here - and she patted the couch next to her"
Later on in the evening I was sitting at one of the tables we setup and she came over and sat in the chair next to me even though there were empty chairs all over the place. I got the gut feeling it was a purposeful move...can't explain, but it wasn't wishful thinking. I don't know if that makes sense.
Overall I feel really good about it, but now there are no plans to see her until a wedding we are going to on Friday.
Was a nice day. I feel good. Working on the detachment. No R or M talks, no negatives that I noticed. Only slight disappointment on my side was there was a quick goodbye - no "I had a nice time" etc... but even that's so small it seems it wasn't even worth noting, but I like to include it because it did go through my mind. I'm not reading much into it. She said she was exhausted and she was on the way to read to my son and put him to bed. Son started getting a bit upset because he knew I was leaving but it went ok.
Just wanted to say thanks for everyone's support and help.
Ken
Last edited by ken; 07/24/0803:01 AM.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Had a good day. Went over to the house at 7 am and we had my son have breakfast in our bed. Then I helped clean up and we setup for the party we had planned for the evening. It was nice because I was very involved in getting the stuff setup and helping with the planning. In the past my wife used to do almost all of it while I was off in my own world.
A few hours after I was there I was in the kitchen with my wife and she was making dip. She said to me, "It's really nice having you here." "We just need to get you straightened out" (referring to the meds for my bipolar) She then gave me a kiss and a nice long hug, rubbing my back.
She also said, "We don't have it so bad off." I asked what she meant by that and she told me when she went to her IC yesterday they were talking about the possiblity of me going into outpatient services to get the biploar meds right. (Sometimes it's hard to find the right combination of meds to get the person stabilized). This is an option we talked about before I left the house.
She said C said most of the time people only go into outpatient or inpatient because of restraining orders. He then asked her, do you have a restraining order? And she said no. I guess she was realizing there were situations which are alot worse then the one we are in.
She also said her IC said because of my dual diagnosis it shouldn't be a problem for an insurance company to authorize an outpatient program. She also said that he told her it would be the quickest way to get the results we were looking for.
On the one hand it frustrates me that she's only focusing on my part in the marriage drift and my mental health problems, but on the other hand it's a positive that she's even talking about it also.
This is good that she is thinking about you and if she is saying WE that is even better. Very positive stuff. Let her focus on you first if the time comes that you go to MC together you can bring up your issues there.
Originally Posted By: ken
I felt pretty detached from her. We went bowling in the afternoon and had a really good time with our son and daughter (2 years old). Her grandmother came with us also. Was a nice time.
I didn't have any anxiety at all and there was no obsessive compulsive thinking about the sitch. I was just there enjoying myself. It was a nice family outing.
Its easy to feel detatched when things are going smoothly. You need to expect that things will ebb and flow so do not get your hopes up to high and then crash if she is cold or moody the next time you see her. This is a marathon and not a sprint.
Originally Posted By: ken
We had the birthday party around 6:30 and my brother, his wife and 2 kids came over. Again it went nicely and we had cake and my son opened up his presents. I had a good time watching his excitement.
My brother and his family left and my wife asked me to stay to put the kids to bed. So I read my daughter stories and sang to her till she fell asleep.
My son stayed up a bit and the three of us played a bowling game on the computer. It was nice because my wife included me in it. She said, dad would probably want to play and I walked over and she had already put my name in on the game. (I know it sounds small but it's a positive small)
A few other positives - earlier in the day W, MIL, FIL, and wife's grandmother were in the living room and I brought a chair in. My W was sitting on the couch and she said, "Forget the chair, come sit over here - and she patted the couch next to her"
Later on in the evening I was sitting at one of the tables we setup and she came over and sat in the chair next to me even though there were empty chairs all over the place. I got the gut feeling it was a purposeful move...can't explain, but it wasn't wishful thinking. I don't know if that makes sense.
Overall I feel really good about it, but now there are no plans to see her until a wedding we are going to on Friday.
Great stuff here, really positive. Do not contact her unless she contacts you. Let her think over the day and miss you a little bit. Play a little hard to get.
Originally Posted By: ken
Was a nice day. I feel good. Working on the detachment. No R or M talks, no negatives that I noticed. Only slight disappointment on my side was there was a quick goodbye - no "I had a nice time" etc... but even that's so small it seems it wasn't even worth noting, but I like to include it because it did go through my mind. I'm not reading much into it. She said she was exhausted and she was on the way to read to my son and put him to bed. Son started getting a bit upset because he knew I was leaving but it went ok.
Just wanted to say thanks for everyone's support and help.
Ken
The quick goodby was that it was a long day and she was probably tired. Do not read anything into it. Look at the good that happened and the great time you had with your family and build on that. Your doing great just take it slow and steady.
