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ndsmhelp....i think i did too. i just texted W and told her she was welcome to come over for lunch with the 2d's. LOL.

altho it did provoke an "aha" moment a bit.....i've been down lately, and in the last 3 days i've asked W to dinner twice and today lunch. Why? Because, i think, i want to see her and spend time with her to become happy again. I'm relying on her to make me happy. I can't do that. THat's not what DBing is about..it's about figuring out what makes you happy...and not relying on someone else to do it.

my problem is that i'm not 100% sure what makes Neil happy. it always was just spending time with her and doing things for her (well, really doing things for myself, as i was doing stuff in my LL, not hers).

GALing, while good, really only works if it's something you enjoy doing...i think.....IDK...i'm a bit lost right now...

Neil,

Pick up that butt and do it right now! Ok - now I can aim the 2x4 better.

I think lunch needs to be all ready when she gets there and you need to have plates out, including one for her. Don't make a big deal about it, after all its just lunch. And that is how you need to come across.

"You are here already and we are ready to eat." Do not feed the D's before she gets there. You make her wait while they eat if she says she's not eating with you. At that point she will just look silly. She just might break down and eat something.

If she does sit down and eat you are just happy to have spent the morning with the girls and you can tell her about something sweet they did. Keep the conversation on how much you enjoyed the girls that morning.

Trust me on this, Neil. I know what I'm talking about. Women love their children, and we love Dad's that love them. She will admire you as a person and as a Dad.

Now, Whack, Whack, and Whack.

alright......i'll do that.

i just don't want to force anything, esp. since i texted her and said she was welcome to join us for lunch.......ya know?

UH oh....is that being master of your domain? I think not!!!! Can I get a ruling?

Think about this, though. Until our W's made a big fuss, moved out, talked about D, etc, we were happy. We weren't nec. relying on them....but it became that because we don't appreciate what we have until we can't have it. That turns up the volume on our NEED to have them around. In some ways, I believe people get married because they don't want to be alone. So, everyone, in some sense, needs that other person.

Like I said, the volume is on max now because you want her and can't have her. I think it would be healthy to think of things in the context of "as if." That takes away our need to do stupid things like text or email when we freak out about something little.

We need to step up the game, Neil. How are we going to be better at this if these little things pull us down? We are mentally stopping ourselves from doing this. I never thought I could say this because I thought you were much farther on the road to recovery than me, but look at my post today on my sitch. I am able to not talk to her about what I wrote because I'm making the decision to make a stand against these weak little things that kept pulling me down. You need to do the same and STICK TO IT.

LOL...like i said before....we all stumble...i'll look later. thanks UD-- yeah, i think it was a backslide, but i did learn something from it, so is it really??????

Neil,

Honestly, I don't see anything wrong with occassionally inviting your W to come over and have lunch with you and the kids.....afterall together time is a goal...right. I think the important thing is not not tie your happiness to it, have a good time regardless and it is her loss if she doesn't want to come for whatever the reasons.

You have seemed down ever since you have not had a follow up since the "pool-date". Pull yourself back up and recognize that she has just pulled back a little bit....and GAL with your kids

Only you can answer that. Did it put things back that you worked on?

If so, it's a backslide.

Think: "My actions either put me closer to, or farther away from, my goal." Was your goal to learn? No. The learning was a good side effect. Personally, I don't want side effects, good or bad, unless they are side effects of doing things the right way.

UD- i don't know.....doubt it. But my goal is to always learn...good or bad side effects so i can do it differently the next time.....take this morning's dress stuff....i learned how to give a better compliment, which would put me closer to my goal.. ya know?

Twindad..you're right. i have been. it's like one of hte WAW's that post on my thread's quote says....you get something you like/want/need, you get greedy. LOL....ugh

alright. enough feeling like crap....gotta figure out what makes Neil happy.

the other thing is that i don't let it show through when i see her. I always PMA...really do.... it's on here that i let my emotions flow and sometimes, outweigh my rational mind

Nah...I don't think it is greedy so much as excitement. You are looking down a tunnel and see a glimpse of your W and your R and realize how much you miss and want to run down the other end of the tunnel.....unfortunately your W isn't running....she is walking. It is natural to get excited, just recognize it for what it is and have patience.

if she's walking, she's doing the old lady walk...with a cane or walker..LOL
i know. impatience.

UD..we all have our spots. It's how we come out of them that makes the difference. Yeah, i'm down, but i'm going to start finding things that make ME happy. Some of that is being with her and the kids. Can't have that part of happiness right now. It'll be there again, with time. But for now, i gotta find my own happines.....

still searching tho