Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Completely and utterly devastated--how to cope

So last night H and I had the R talk (more about this in a thread in the Newcomers section). He was so cold and distant, and could only talk about how he needed to work on himself, needed not to be married for a few months, needed to have a separate life. I feel as though he has completely given up. When I got to work this morning (moved out this morning), I got the following instant message from him:

"i hope you got to work ok, I am sorry that this is so rough on you, I do not like to see you sad. We will see what happens and hope for happiness no matter what form it takes. I guess I just want to find peace for both of us".

To me this sounds like he has completely given up already. I responded:

"I am optimistic as long as we are both willing to try"

Then he responded:

"just remember I am also trying to fix me too. the marriage is not the only thing on my plate."

For anyone who doesn't know my situation, I am living outside of my home country with H. We came here for me, but now I am staying for him. If I knew he wanted to end it for sure, I would leave. I feel so completely trapped and devastated, and none of the 180s I have been trying to do have helped at all. As I started giving him space, he got even more distant and cold. I think he only feels sorry for hurting me, but feels nothing like love or affection for me. I am so worried that this separation will make him see only how unhappy he was in the marriage, and no hope for fixing it. He has agreed to go to counseling every week, but if we only see each other for these kinds of conversations, there will be no joy between us.

Hi ITH,

What 180s have you tried? Sometimes it takes a while for 180s to have an impact- keep being patient, and look for teeny baby steps.

Also, stop asking your H to try to fix the M- this will drive him away; he'll see it as pressure. Instead, start making changes and let him notice them. This is going to take time- focus on very small steps and work towards building a friendship first.

I see a lot of hope in your sitch; H agreeing to go to counselling, and feeling bad for hurting you show that he regrets that this is happening.

OD

Hi OD,

In terms of 180s, I tried really hard to just listen to him, even the very painful parts. One of his biggest complaints about the R is that I never listen to him. So I sat there while he told me very painful things, and said "I understand", and "I'm sorry I made you feel that way", whereas in the past I would probably have explained why I did the things or explain how his actions led to my behavior. Then when we were apart for 5 days last week, I completely gave him space, as another issue was that I was controlling/smothering. I called only once, and kept it very light. When we were together this weekend, I stayed smiling, left the room when he came in, and tried in general to be out of the house. I did cry, but he didn't see me cry.

I guess one of my biggest concerns now is that H is finishing up a Master program, and it starts in September. The last thing he will want to do is put a lot of work into something difficult like this when he is so focused on finishing school. I am very fearful that he will just give up.

I hope you are right about the hope though. I just can't stop thinking that he is just doing the counseling to appease me. I mean he wants it for himself, for clarity, but not necessarily to fix the marriage. He said at this point he is not tied to any particular outcome.

ITH

Hi ITH,

It's really important that you don't act of fear, and don't assum things- do you absolutely KNOW that H won't want to work things out when he has a stressful period coming up, or have you assumed that? When I first started here, someone posted to me that when yuo assume you make an ass out of U and me (ass-u-me, get it? )

Great job on the listening and validating, and on giving H space and acting AS IF around him. If you can, keep it up- he'll notice it more the more you can do it, and eventually it will chang his behaviour.

What are you doing for you/GAL at the moment?

Whatever H wants from the counselling, it's a good thing that he's going. As he says, he has some issues he needs to work out first; maybe working on the M will come when he's happier in himself. Sadly, the only thing for it is patience.

Keep posting- the board wakes up in the afternoons....

OD

Hi OD,

You're right of course--I have made the assumption about the stressful period, but it is based on how I have seen him react previously. I think he is so worried that I am going to be a source of stress instead of strength that he may react on instinct. However, I might be off-base completely!

In terms of myself for GAL, this is so hard as I really don't have much of a support network here. My idea is to go away for a couple of months for work (I have this option open), so that I can have something of my own to focus on. This will make it much easier for me to start working on things for myself. In the meantime, I will probably try to go to the gym on a regular basis.

What is your situation like at the moment?

ITH

Hi ITH,

Wouldn't it be great then, if you could show H what a source of strength you are during this time? Support him in his decisions and help him through it? I know it's hard- my H left home a year ago while he was writing up his doctoral thesis, and it was really hard to support him in it, but I guess it was the right thing to do. I couldn't have controlled him and forced him to stay at home when h didn't want to- he'd have resented me for it and in the long run I think it would have made things worse.

We're still S, but see each other and e-mail regularly. H has an OW, but over the past couple of months I got an ILY and he told me he's unhappy. Baby steps, but something is changing. What DB has taught me is the value of patience; it took 3 months of me being positive and friendly to get my first baby step.

I like the idea of you going to the gym- that might be a way to meet people too. Would the work trip take you a long way away, or would it be relatively close? It'd certainly give H some space to miss you; I wish I'd done that when H was thinking of moving out- it might have had a big impact.....

How can you show H you're a source of strength? Can you describe a situation and how you'd respond?

L.

Hi OD,

Wow I really appreciate all of your support! It sounds like you've been through a lot yourself, and I can only imagine how difficult it must all be!

In terms of the work trip, I'm currently based in Ireland, I could either go to the UK or to Poland. The UK would make regular visits here easier, for counseling etc., but I have lived there before, and I don't necessarily know if it's a good idea just to step back into my old life and also let friends know what's going on. In Poland I would come back less, but would still be able to come every couple of weeks. I am really glad to hear you say that you think the idea could potentially have an impact. In one way I feel like I am escaping my problems, letting my husband stay in the house and remain comfortable instead of having to move into a probably uncomfortable roommate situation. I worry here (I know I'm worried about everything) that he will be so complacent and comfortable that me coming back after a couple of months will make him very uncomfortable...

Anyway in terms of being a source of strength, I have always offered to edit his papers and projects. I could continue to do this, but it requires me pursuing him. I guess the only situation right now where I can see myself being a source of strength is the one where he wants to talk about his feelings, how unhappy he has been in the marriage etc., and where I listen and encourage this without pushing the "We made a vow" bit any longer. I think in another way I'm being a source of strength by being the one to walk away. I just don't know that he'll turn to me for anything more now though.

Oh and for anyone who's been reading this, I just want to add that instead of staying home and feeling sorry for myself on my first night out of the house tonight, I went to "boot camp" on the beach for 1 hour after work. It was all I could do to focus and keep smiling and pretending to be happy, but I did. Of course now I am feeling sorry for myself in my corporate apartment with my 20 year old roommate who must think I'm so lame! How long does it take to do these things, these activities, and actually start to feel good about them? At the moment it is completely fake. Also, for anyone else who has a job with a lot of responsibility, how have you managed to get through it? I am literally sending about 10 emails per day for work, and then looking at plane tickets and this board for the rest of the day. On the plus side I have been honest with my manager about this, and he is incredibly supportive...

ITH

Fake it till you make it The boot camp is an excellent idea, you forced yourself to do it when really you probably wanted to just go to sleep and wake up to H standing there saying all would be OK. This is BIG, well done. How long does it take? Not that long really, in my case. I found myself suddenly enjoying myself ... it crept up on me in a matter of weeks. The important thing is to keep on doing these things, even when you don't feel like it. Worked for me.

My exact reply was going to be "fake it until you make it." It is fake for awhile, but soon you'll start seeing how much better you feel.

You also have to be PATIENT. You're right, with you h working on his masters, he'll have little time to concentrate on the marriage. That's going to sting a bit, but the best thing you can do is support him through the masters, help out when you can, don't pressure him.

And, I agree, it's pressure when you ask him to work on the marriage. He's agreed to weekly counseling, which is GREAT! A lot of us here would lOVE to get that from our spouses.