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it's overwhelming sometimes to say the least... i'm sure alot of people here have just as much going on and feel the same way. the last couple nights i haven't gotten hardly any sleep. i can't fall asleep while she's awake, no matter how tired I am, if she's awake and no one else is awake with her, i can't sleep. (not an excuse, i physically cannot fall asleep) so wednesday night when i fell asleep while i was feeding her (she always falls asleep while she eats) H gave me a hard time about it. I told him that I am tired and i was going to rest while she was eating, since i can't exactly do anything else while i'm feeding her anyways. i didn't have the energy to argue the point then, but i did make sure that he knows i will sleep when i need it, provided D4 and D2 are in bed. he wasn't happy, but i don't care. Sleep is more important than anything else when i have to be driving the next morning.

i think i struggle between the not treating him like a child and treating him like a child thing. I suppose the difference is in the consequence... rather than getting grounded, i'm backing off. I don't yell and scream (physically can't handle it), but i can do less and less that is specifically for him until he starts acting differently.

Thank you for the hugs and advice... much needed and appreciated!! ann

he's being a schmuck, and you should tell him so.

"Hey, SCHMUCK! I'm PHYSICALLY EXHAUSTED!
And ya know what... i WOULDNT be, if YOU helped me out more!!"




Yes!
with one thing to add: Men are Dumb. So you need to explicitly TELL him you are doing this, and why.
otherwise, he may not figure it out for himself. Amazing as that may seem

Gonna reply to your other post now. maybe short this time.
haha

Gonna attempt short again

For me, i don't consider it an excuse so much as a reason if the other thing takes priority.
Agreed. except when you lie to yourself about priorities.
then it becomes an excuse again.
Avoiding confronting your husband about not helping you do something, and doing it youself, because its "more important to get it done"... is usually an excuse. an avoidance tactic excuse.

In this case, the long-term priority of your husband helping you more, is probably more important than the short term one.


I think this is an area of my confusion. How do i have a choice in letting him nap. If he says, "i'm going to go take a nap" do i say no? or when i go to wake him up and he says he needs more sleep, do i say "no" at that point, aren't i taking mother role and not wife? I'm not arguing the point, just looking to better understand.

There's a fine line between mother and wife. Sometimes, you need to tell your child they have to do something. Sometimes, you need to tell your husband he has to do something.
Ideally, if your H does not act like a child, then you dont talk to him like a child. (but if he does, then do so )

Maybe it helps to keep in mind what is important at the time. The important thing at that time, was not "he's not allowed to take a nap". The important thing is that you needed help, RIGHT THEN.
So, you might have focused on the "get up and help me now", rather than the nap/no nap issue.

Last night, i asked him if he'd like to take a break from whatever he was doing and come down and have dessert with me and Ds. He asked if i needed him to come and I said no, that i'd just like to spend some time with him. He said he'd really rather finish what he was doing.

At some point, I suspect you will have to start putting it in terms of "yes, I need you to come spend time with me" sometimes. And, ya know what... that can be a good thing, actually. A man usually likes to be needed. And appreciated, if he does come down and do what you ask.


ummmm... that sounds like a nice idea. not sure how to get him to do "his chores"

By getting him to fully agree to what chores he will do from now on.
Then.... nag, i'm afraid. And/or start coming up with consequences if he doesnt follow through with his part of things.


no suggestions on the girls/discipline isue, i'm afraid.
(Hmm.. i was ALMOST short )

ok... just one more...

my plan:

1) be consistant in my telling H when he is disrespectful and mean. (already happening)
2)be consistant in showing my appreciation of any effort made
3)start to expect more of him as a H without taking it personally if it doesn't happen.
4)Tell H when i need his help with something. Stop accepting his excuses when he doesn't help.
5)until i start seeing some effort, gradually seperate myself from H, without making him feel unwelcome.

Consequences for not helping/making any changes/treating me better:
1)stop doing things that are solely for his benefit.
a. we will eat when i'm done cooking rather than waiting on dinner til he's ready
b. i will stop doing his laundry, just mine and the girls
c. i will stop getting his stuff ready for him before he leaves to go somewhere.
d. stop making phone calls for him when he just doesn't feel like it, business or otherwise
2)no sex

When he questions why i'm not doing everything for him, i'll tell him that when he's ready to step up and do what he's told me he wants to do, then i'll keep doing things for him.

If, on the other hand, he starts making changes and really seems to be trying, then i'll have more time (if he's helping) and i'll be able to do some nice things that are especially just for him.

if, after about a month or so of this there is still no change in H, i will have to come up with something more drastic, but for now, this is the best i can come up with... i'm going to do my very best to stick with this. i may mess up from time to time, but hopefully this gets some sort of reaction from him.

if anyone has anything else good for my list, i'd love to hear it!

ann

oooo...

nice list...!
but.. i think you need to seriously reconsider the "no sex" one.
maybe modify it to "no more sex when just HE feels like it".
If he works at being nice to you for it, then reward him.

cutting off sex from your husband completely is a veeerrrry dark and dangerous road to go down.
Sex is best as a bonding experience, not a punishment/control tool.
Not to mention, he'll start thinking you're getting it elsewhere.

k this will be short...

i'm going to argue this one point, simply because of the mess and smell yes long term it is more important, on the other hand dealing with D2 before she took off her diaper herself and spread it around the house what the more urgent issue at that moment...

this is very helpful... thank you!

i have attempted this before. The problem i have is his excuses for everything (which i'm not taking anymore)... i guess if he doesn't want to help, then he just suffers the consequences. i'll make a list of everything this weekend and make him sit with me and divide it up. If he agrees to it, i'll nag him or whatever else will make him actually do it.

Thank you!! have a nice night! ann

Look - a short post!

ok... so i didn't actually mean no sex, just no sex when he's being an ass...

He already thinks i'm getting it elsewhere, i'm not sure when, but i'm not eager to go any further down that path...

so much for just one more...

Hi

I just responded to you on mine.

I hope you are not getting a headache over here. LOL

Hi Ann, Looks like I was a bit too harsh on you. I've been observing and pattern matching for a while so I took a risk. I was half expecting to see some resistance including the 2x4 to me, so I'm not surprised. And you're right I'm not in your shoes, you are taking on a ton and I can only go by what's posted here. I know squat to advise you. I tried though ;). But seriously its good to see you holding up. You seem to have got a boost of positive energy. You and your family, including H are in my thoughts and prayers.

fb2 - Maybe you were, maybe not... doesn't matter, no harm done. I had been having a rough week last week anyways with some issues with my dad and just couldn't take much more. I'm normally a little more durable than that, but i just fell apart!

I appreciate that you cared enough to try! Keep trying...

ann