Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Crazy Summer

IMP, Good for you, I applaud you that you have reached that point sometime in your journey. However, please don't tell us to just get over it. Maybe we will, but it will be when we are ready. You just can't tell someone to get over it, there are too many emotions involved. That's like telling someone to just get over their spouse leaving. We all know here that it is easier said than done.

IMP, I think I have said this before to you....We are only human, not a freakin' robot. We come with emotions and those emotions can't just be turned off with a switch.

Sometime I think you are part robot, lol. Just kidding.

I for one know that I am not ready to face the ow. For goodness sakes, ever time he uses her car to drive the kids home I want to throw up. I know I will not be able to hold my emotions back if she came to.

Maybe one day.

Hi Cinders!

The other thing is, and I know this is going to open a huge can of worms, but IMP, you were smoking out and ignoring what your wife wanted and then you changed after she left. There's a difference, because you can look at your actions and know how they contributed to the demise of your marriage. It's easier for you to face OM because you weren't a complete victim in the situation.
Cinder's didn't do anything wrong, she is completely innocent.
Our brains want life to be fair and if it isn't it's harder to get over it.
I know, I know, everyone can think of some things they should have done better or more of and I'm sure Cinders, the sweetheart she is will think of something, but the demise of her marriage is really in no way her fault.

WL, I don't think any of us are a "complete victim" in the failure of our M. I don't see myself as being one. We have all done things to help with the breakdown of our M, but many of us didn't realize what we were doing wrong because our spouses didn't complain until they already made up their minds to leave. That is where fault lies with our spouses.

When my H and I were going to MC I changed all of the things he complained about me and it still didn't matter. He found something else to complain about. Our MC said to me later that she never heard of such stupid excuses of why my H wanted out of the M. (Especially the one where he didn't like how I made the bed because I put too many pillows on it for his liking)

I belive we all contributed but the ultimate responsibility of the failure of the marriage in most cases is on the WAS. Most of them have other issues that they are running away from and are not ready to work on them or themselves.

Everyone has brought good examples here and Mrs. H, your posting brought home a few thoughts of my own. My xh was actually rational enough to admit that it wasn't anything about me or what I had done, but it was him that had the issues.

Well...as he moved along in the separation, etc., he would use to say that I didn't kiss him goodbye stand at the door wave goodbye to him every day he left for work. Keep in mind, 99% of the time I left prior to his departure. He never mentioned that this was a pet peeve w/him the entire 25 years of our marriage.

I haven't got a clue as to the other skeltons in the closet he pulls out these days to justify the divorce, but he's the ow's problem now. Had he talked to me, whatever was bothering him, could have been corrected, but heck, I couldn't read his mind and a crystal ball wouldn't have helped either.

Snodderly,

Right after my H dropped the bomb he told me he knew I didn't deserve what he did to me but he just wanted out.

Then as I pursued (pre-dbusting) he got nastier and nastier. He would say it was all my fault, i.e. I didn't wake up when he got up for work to make him breakfast.

Never once did he ask me to do that for him.

Exactly! I said to him "I am not a mind reader, if all these things bothered you, you should of spoken up and I could of done something about it."

He said "I shouldn't of had to tell you, you should of just known."

I tried changing everything he complained about but it didnt' make a difference. So now I just make changes for me, the heck with him.

Imp. I learn from you so much. I also think that Mrs H, Cinders, ANEWME (HI mama), and myself.

Will get to a place where this stuff with the OW will bother us less and less.

Timing. I see they have all come such a long way. You have been here since 2000. 8 years later you can share with all of us the wonderful R you have with your XW and your X inlaws.

A goal for many of us here.

Thank you for sharing, and I am sure in time we will all be better than ok.


Keep showing us the "freedom" that we have to look forward to, the one that we are trying to reach everyday.


Thanks, Lis

Mrs. H,
You have to make the changes for yourself. If you are happy w/yourself and how you are living, that's what is important. Happiness comes from within and no matter what you say or do, your h is goingto find something wrong right now. That's why is is very important to detach and live your life for your and your sons.

When the dust settles for you, I think you are going to find less stress in your life and you will then be able to move on and do more things for yourself. As long as you are reacting to what he says and does, it keeps you stuck. It's difficult, I know, but you have to find a way to just let it wash over you and then down the drain.

I do hope you are just about ready to go to school. Homework just may be one of the answers to keep your focus elsewhere and not on him.

Enjoy the rest of your day.

Dear MrsH....I have to say, that I was very impressed with your response to Imp...that post showed me that you have grown and are not afraid to speak your mind and give your opinions anymore ! Well done !

Whitelight...your post brought me to tears. I have to say though that there are many thngs I could have done better/different/with more attention to H's needs and with less 'tiredness'...I too tried changing everything when the bomb dropped. We were even together for 7 months and those months were wonderful, we seemed to have found each other again, but H kept saying, that he just 'didn't feel it anymore' that there was something missing.... I desperately tried to bring back what was missing...but after nearly 3 years now...I know that no matter what I do, it will not change anything...that which is missing is missing on his side...not mine. I know that now.

Lissie, hi

Snodderly...wow I never realized you were married 25 years. Unbelievable. I'm so sorry.

Had a great day today...kids played like kids, even D9 who's had such a hard time being a kid for so long....she laughed and played and threw herself in the little kids pool ! It was a joy !

H called the kids...he had been visiting an old friend for the weekend and waterskiing etc. I thought to myself...he would not be living the life he is living if he had a family...and he chooses his new life therefore, he truly did not want this life.

It's hard to imagine, but people want different things in life.

"...and he chooses his new life therefore, he truly did not want this life"

I do believe this is temporary until they come to their senses. That could take six months, one year, four years.........it is anyone's guess.

Cinders,

You said:


Actually, Cinders it is a matter of restraint. If you were not emotionally attached there would be no need for restraint. You make the decision to restrain yourself and what you will find is that facing those emotion s allows you to get past them. I am speaking from experience.

IMP