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Ken,
great work you're doing, keep it up. so happy to read a thread like yours, all the positives coming out. This really helps me when i'm feeling like i'm not making any progress. the amount of hope you give off is amazing, you reek of it. and thats wonderful.



I'd guess that this is part of the letdown after a great weekend. you had such a high, so many positives, you're looking to continue this feeling, but its not there right now, its time to go back to the work week.

I think its normal and its exactly what you should be feeling.

Just keep up the great work.

Mondays always suck!

After seeing the kids and such all day sunday, being left alone with your thoughts on a monday makes me feel low too. Takes until lunchtime to feel the darkness pass.

My w was away all weekend and we said maybe two words to each other last night. Its hard sometimes but we will get there. We all will get to a better place, just might take a while.

Keep smiling. It takes less muscles in your face than a frown so you might as well save the energy if nothing else.

(((Kenny)))

Its normal. You want a switch to be flipped and the good to start happening. Its ok. It will be ok. Just do something nice for Kenny today.

Hey, what is your happiest childhood memory? Think about it. View it like a movie. And then share it with your kids so they will know something about you. (At the ripe old age of 19, my S has already heard most of my stories. Even if I forget, he usually remembers and gives me a big groan. Though, he usually smiles when he does it.)

Hey guys...mondays after seeing the kids for so long on the weekends do suck. you feel lonely. like Kelly Jo said...find something nice to do for yourself today....it's tough. I usually get a little teary eyed too.....it's not a big deal....they're your kids for pete's sake. YOu miss them.

Hi Ken,
Just wanted to thank you for stopping by my thread. Its good to know others are going through what I am...well not good, I guess. Anyway, I know we are all in a lot of pain so thanks for your words.
B

Wow. Thanks everyone for the support and feedback.

Had a pretty good day. Was mostly uneventful. Went over to my house early in the morning and watched the kids while my wife took a shower. She always greets me with a hug and kiss.

Took my son to the dentist and then we went out to lunch at Uno's. Just small chat about stuff.

Drove into Manhattan to the ear doctor and I stayed in car with my daughter while my wife ran into doctor with son.

On the way home my wife asked how it went with psychiatrist on Sat. I told her it went well and I saw the therapist afterwards. Said we made some nice headway and the psychiatrist is feeling good about the meds working. She then asked if the therapist felt the same way and I said yes.

We then talked a little bit about what's going to happen at the end of the two week 'break'. Conversation went fine. No big problems. I told her I was also wondering what we were going to do after the two weeks and how she was going to judge if my meds were working ok. She said she didn't know. I then asked her how I felt to her now and she said she didn't know. Then I said we'll just talk to the MC about it.

The funny thing is I kinda like not being around her all the time. It's taken alot of stress off of me and gave me the space to think and explore. She's been treating me like crap for a few months now and the time away has given me the ability to see it with more clarity.

Part of me to doesn't even care anymore what happens. And part of me does. Part of me is attached and part of me is completely detached. Kinda funny seeing so many different aspects happening at the same time.

Went back to the house and gave the kids baths and put them to bed. We then picked up around the house and cleaned up. It was around 9pm now and she asked if I wanted to spend time with the kids on Wed. I said ok so I'm gonna take them in the morning so she can get some stuff done and go to her individual therapy.

Somewhere in our evening conversation she remarks that her therapist told her, "Are you sure you want to come back because it looks like you have everything under control" - so she's in therapy talking about how to deal with my bipolar condition. Makes me laugh. Like she doesn't have issues that contributed to the drift in our marriage.

I get a little pissed because she won't take responsibility for her share in this. Guess that comes with the territory right now.

We also talked about not knowing how much of her stress is caused by my behavior, how much is her reaction to the situation, and how much is her not being able to deal with stress etc...

I also told her I don't want to come back in to the house and have the stress start up all over again. I also told her I feel like I'm taking the brunt of the blame for everything that's happened. Also told her we can bring this up with MC and not for discussion between us right now.

Overall the discussion was fine. Very calm no mudslinging. Was productive.

Other stuff was said but can't be bothered to remember right now for some reason...lol

ken

I understand how you feel. Don't show her the pissed and don't expect her to take any blame. The convo seemed very positive. Make sure you don't push or pressure.

Yeah Mike. I kept my cool. No accusing going on in either direction. I even told her I don't want to create more static between us and she said the conversation we had didn't do that - which is good.

Alot of neutral stuff during the whole. Not good, not bad. Neutral is always better than bad.

I don't think I pushed or pressured. She basically brought the stuff up and I managed to identify certain topics which never go well and told her we need to talk about that kind of stuff in MC. And this is a 180 for me. Usually I'm game to talk about anything without regard for if it's going to get messy or not.

So just the fact that I let stuff go that was ripe for arguing is a big change for me.

One other thing which was pretty interesting. My wife told me she didn't need to know about what I worked on in therapy. She said, "It's not that I don't care, it's that I don't have room for it. I feel like if I add anything else I'll just go over the edge." I then said, "I don't need to share that stuff with you. I don't need to tell you my issues." And she got this funny look on her face. It reminded me of the cartoons when the characters jaw drops down to the floor.

I almost get the feeling that the detached part of me was coming through that comment and it took her by surprise.

I also feel she is hiding behind my issues. But that stuff should come out in MC.

Another thing I did was call her on some of her re-writing that past few weeks. She mentioned again how the 'deep conversations' we were having were hard on her. Then I reminded her that we haven't had one of those conversations in over a month.(I started on Lexapro). It's so rediculous how she keeps re-writing what's going on. There were more examples of her re-writing the truth. Another thing that pisses me off.

ken

if you said that with no emotion then I'd say you are correct..it took her by surprise.

I said it from a position of strength. That's what I remember feeling. It was like, I don't NEED to. It was delivered matter of factly with me personally feeling strong behind it. When I said it I didn't care what it would do. It was just the truth. I wasn't afraid of rocking the boat like I have been in the past few months. I have to be careful that I don't cause damage from this position.

There's a big part of me that knows I don't need her. I've been cutting the neediness hooks out. And the more I dig them out the more I find myself standing up on my own - with dignity and strength.

I want to be with my wife, but I don't need her. This is a strong position for me to be in - especially given my past history.

Thanks for the feedback Mike. I value your input highly.

Ken