Distressed - lol at do as I say not as I do...hehe
My dad used to say that to me growing up.
Thought you would like that after my backslide this week. Its amazing what the mind does when you are tired.
Originally Posted By: ken
[ Yesterday was nice. I had a really good time and felt really good about myself.
W asked me last night if I could take a ride past the house her parents are buying and check out a low spot in the yard that seems to stay wet. The funny thing is my brother told me this morning - I don't care if the roof is falling off, just tell her the house is perfect for her parents that way you get them out of the house. Made me laugh good.
So I checked out the house and called her figuring I'd just cover the details then get off. Well she starts talking to me about all kinds of stuff. Mostly chit chat but I could sense she didn't want to get off the phone. We would have a silence then she would start up a new subject. This is big since most of the phone conversations over the past few weeks involved her getting off rather quickly and I could feel it. My son was even pestering her and she kept telling him to go play. She used to use that as a 'reason' to get off the phone. We ended up talking for about 30 minutes.
She also said, "I had a really nice time with you last night. Even though parts were uneventful (slow spots during the reception where I asked her if she wanted to thumb wrestle and she pulled out a deck of cards... we were laughing) it picked up when we started dancing and it was a fun night."
Good positive stuff.
I thought she might do a pull-away today, didn't expect it just thought it might happen, but it seems like it didn't.
Ken
This is all great stuff. Talking on the phone is always easier for me than in person with my W. We seem to have a lot to talk about but when we are home together we seem to have so much to do we just pass each other and wave.
Its also great that she is still being positive and talking about what a great time she had. Good times build good memories and the more of these you have with her the better she will feel toward you.
As MFT said you are doing great, keep it up and worry about the end of the two weks when it comes. If she does not come home in two weeks do not take this as a bad sign. You both are getting along better now apart than together. Maybe you both needed the space to regroup and see what you will both be missing. Look at it like starting to date her all over again and remember how much fun that was the first time and now you cando it all over again.
You both are getting along better now apart than together. Maybe you both needed the space to regroup and see what you will both be missing. Look at it like starting to date her all over again and remember how much fun that was the first time and now you cando it all over again.
We are getting along better now. You're right - it is exactly what we both needed. The MC and my wife both said last week when we talked about doing it. I was against it, but I realize now that I did it because I love my wife.
I knew it was what she needed and I put my own wants and what I thought I needed aside so that she could get what she needed. This is true giving and I didn't realize it until today in IC.
I even talked to my C about how I learned some things last night about my wife that I never new. I told C that it was like we were on a date early in a relationship and we were exploring each other and each other's past. It was nice.
Even when she dropped me off I looked at it as if we dating and parting ways after a date - this made it much easier for me to detach without the need to prolong the goodbye. It worked great. Of course, I read all of this on the boards somewhere in my travels. So much great information here.
MfT - You deserve the complliments. I see how tirelessly you help so many people here. You give great advice and have been learning from your posts for weeks before I even started posting myself. Your humility makes you that much more of a good person in my eyes.
Ken
Last edited by ken; 07/27/0812:26 AM.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Hi Ken, how you doing now? Just a quick reply to this statement you made.
Quote:
When she first tried to throw me out, her biggest complaint was I didn't help her around the house and with the kids as much as she needed. I immediately changed that and started to do everything...lol. Pendulum swung too far over. This bothered her, (new hoop) so I backed off to a happy medium.
Then she complained I wasn't being patient enough. Changed that. Then it was I was obsessing over fixing marriage (new hoop) Put all the books into a box and into garage. Then it was something else (new hoop). Changed that. Then something else, etc... A constantly moving target.
I did realize these she was actually showing me the things I needed to change in order for her to be happier. These 'complaints' are actually my answer on the things I need to work on. When I started to REALLY pay attention to what she was saying to me, I saw there were diamonds in there that I needed to pluck out.
If you can see the diamond that need to be plucked out....that is all fine and good, but don't become a doormat in trying to make her happy. Nobody can make another person happy. In other words, our happiness cannot depend on another person. We must choose to be happy. I'm not telling you to not try to please her in some of the things you were doing......but if you aren't careful, you will feel like you are doing a circus act and she still will find something wrong. Don't do anything that you feel is demeaning. I don't like to see women use their H's like they are a puppet on a string she is pulling.
So, look for the diamonds that are there and go after that rather than jumping through all the hoops.
You are doing good. Proud of you. Keep up the good work.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You both are getting along better now apart than together. Maybe you both needed the space to regroup and see what you will both be missing. Look at it like starting to date her all over again and remember how much fun that was the first time and now you cando it all over again.
We are getting along better now. You're right - it is exactly what we both needed. The MC and my wife both said last week when we talked about doing it. I was against it, but I realize now that I did it because I love my wife.
I knew it was what she needed and I put my own wants and what I thought I needed aside so that she could get what she needed. This is true giving and I didn't realize it until today in IC.
Welcome to manhood Ken, when you can put aside your fears of being alone and loosing the person you love that my friend is true love. As the old saying goes if you love something let it go if it comes back it is yours if it does not it never was. I very proud of you for this statement and you should be too.
Originally Posted By: ken
[ I even talked to my C about how I learned some things last night about my wife that I never new. I told C that it was like we were on a date early in a relationship and we were exploring each other and each other's past. It was nice.
Even when she dropped me off I looked at it as if we dating and parting ways after a date - this made it much easier for me to detach without the need to prolong the goodbye. It worked great. Of course, I read all of this on the boards somewhere in my travels. So much great information here.
MfT - You deserve the complliments. I see how tirelessly you help so many people here. You give great advice and have been learning from your posts for weeks before I even started posting myself. Your humility makes you that much more of a good person in my eyes.
Ken
This is what M is all about, if you can continue to learn new things about your W and grow not only as individuals but as a couple your M will be better than either of you could ever imagine. Keep it up you are on the right track. Just remember this journey never ends even if you get back together you must always work at it and never take her for granted again.
Sandi2 - Thanks for the feedback. I know what you mean about the doormat thing. The hoops she brought up were legitimate things I needed to work on. The frustrating part is that it seems to mostly be one way right now - and I realize that's part of the territory. She has hoops she has to jump through also to make this M work, but I'm not in a position to bring those up. I think they will come up in MC eventually.
Distressed - thanks. I had the realization that it was true giving to give someome what they needed even though it was against what I wanted. The funny thing is that I got what I needed also in the process.
One of the fears I had when I was married was that if we spent too much time together alone we wouldn't have much to do or talk about and she would find me to be a boring person. I often felt like a fraud. Brought this up in IC the other day. You are dead on about growing as individuals and also as a couple. The hard part is actually doing it and not stopping.
The taking for granted thing is at the forefront of my mind. It's what I did and part of the reason we drifted apart. I sometimes think I should get a reminder tattooed onto my hand to remind not to take the relationship for granted.
Thanks you guys for the feedback.
Ken
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Distressed - thanks. I had the realization that it was true giving to give someome what they needed even though it was against what I wanted. The funny thing is that I got what I needed also in the process.
Amazing how that works. Gives new meaning to its better to give than receive. You end up getting more that way somehow.
Originally Posted By: ken
One of the fears I had when I was married was that if we spent too much time together alone we wouldn't have much to do or talk about and she would find me to be a boring person. I often felt like a fraud. Brought this up in IC the other day. You are dead on about growing as individuals and also as a couple. The hard part is actually doing it and not stopping.
You need to balance the time together and the time apart. My W and I talk alot more after we have done things apart than if we had spent all that time together. But we also have good things to talk about when we do things fun together. Also I have found that I really enjoy going to musicals, something she has always wanted to do but was afraid to spend the money on because she thought that I would think it was a waste. Now I have bought the tickets for the last couple and we have had a blast. So do something that your W enjoys, you may think you would not like it but who knows until you try. Also if you don't like it you just spent quality time with her. Its a win/ win in my book.
Originally Posted By: ken
The taking for granted thing is at the forefront of my mind. It's what I did and part of the reason we drifted apart. I sometimes think I should get a reminder tattooed onto my hand to remind not to take the relationship for granted.
Thanks you guys for the feedback.
Ken
Don't get the tattoo just come here someone here is always more that willing to smack you upside the head with a 2x4.
Seriously, that is my fear also. Just something you and your w will have to discuss after you have pieced your M back together.
Keep the faith your headed in the right direction.
Thanks MfT. Feeling a little down right now. Not exactly sure what's causing it. Not really that bad, just a low level feeling of ugghh.
Probably had a little too much time to think today after work. Funny how I can take a bunch of positives and toss them when I get a day of nothing....lol.
I'm going over there tomorrow morning to spend the day with W and kids. Have to take son to dentist in the morning then the ear doctor at 3pm. Have to drive him into Manhattan for that.
I guess part of me is wondering what to expect from W tomorrow. Had a good time Friday, nice conversation yesterday morning, no contact since then. **SNAP** <-- sound of the rubber band slapping my wrist.
Ken
Last edited by ken; 07/28/0803:00 AM.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Thanks MfT. Feeling a little down right now. Not exactly sure what's causing it. Not really that bad, just a low level feeling of ugghh.
Probably had a little too much time to think today after work. Funny how I can take a bunch of positives and toss them when I get a day of nothing....lol.
Ken
Rollercoaster brother..and tomorrow is Monday..start of a new week. Monday's and Fridays were always triggers for me..Friday because the weekend was always family time..then Monday because there was no family time the following weekend..
