Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? apparanetly, I'm also doing a crappy job as Dad

It's been an interesting weekend. It was my e-mail list's annual BBQ. I've been looking forward to this BBQ for a year. Friends from around the world and around the country converge about an hour away for 4 days of revelry and catching up.

MIL got into town on Wednesday. In addition to her Mom being in town and watching the kids for my BBQ, W was also moving to new place as she couldn't afford where she was living. It made for a stressful and busy weekend for her.

Thursday night BBQ starts. MIL and W are tag teaming watching the kids. More fun ensues. I'm not able to be completely in the present at the BBQ as I'm wondering what interesting things are going on at home. Finally, last night, I get a taste of what has been the discussions at home.

Apparently, no parenting has been going on for the last three months. Yes, I'm not yelling at the kids as much since I never spend any time with them. I get home from work and jump on the computer or stuff my face into a book. I've been negligent in making sure that the kids have all of their medications. There is no food in the house, they don't eat green vegetables, the laundry is behind, and the kids have no clothes to wear because I've been spending all my money on new clothes and going out. Oh, and I haven't found out about school for next year, the carpets are filthy, did I inform the management company about the warped floorboards from the leak in the water filter to the refrigerator, the kids are watching too many movies and are left alone in dangerous situations. S8 is sleeping on the floor because there is a problem with his bed and D5 isn't brushing her teeth well enough.

No actual parenting is going on.

Deep breath. Again.

Wow. I expect it from W, but, from the kids too? That bites. It's all true. In part. As I said, it's been a busy month.

Are there days when all I can manage is to get some food into the kids and put them to bed? Yes. Do the kids need new clothes, green veggies, more time with Dad and less time in front of the tv? Yes. Has all the money been spent on a new wardrobe for Dad and for Dad going out? Perhaps some, but, most of it went to W to pay the rent on her place so that she didn't have to move back home. I didn't want her to move home. I can only imagine the resentment that would have engendered.

I've got to say that there is a small part of me that wants to turn my back on them all and just walk away. What a feeling to have on the heels of personal revelation. I was reflecting that I bear this burden of hurt and loneliness knowing that I can alleviate it. I bear it because to do otherwise is to precipitate a D and to make my kids the recipient of earth shattering pain and hurt that I can still remember. What kind of man would I be if I did that? I don't know, but, apparently, I'm a pretty worthless father already. Maybe I'm just fooling myself. Ha.

I'm still having an amazing life. Each day is an amazing day. This is a hard thing to deal with. W spent the last 2 nights at the house and even though I was up and gone early, I could still see and feel her presence.

It's been an interesting weekend.

Dan

(((Dan))) What you are feeling is really normal. Trust me.

The first two months after H and I split, I stayed in the spare room at XH's house. It was awful, but I knew I was going to be no good to D12. I couldn't take care of her at all. All I did was cry. I had constant thoughts of running away and changing my name, starting somewhere new where no one knew me.

And then I thought, I really don't want D12 to remember me as the mother who left. I would miss her terribly. Am I perfect? Heck no. When I finally got my own place, I spent the entire time I was in that house in my room lying in bed. D12 was still on her own too much.

And then I ended up in my apartment, where I made sure that would not happen again. I put the TV in the living room so I would have to force myself to come out of my room, and started interacting with D12 again.

I think that our WAS's don't realize that this is a life altering change. We are hurt so badly that sometimes it is hard just to get out of bed in the morning, to take that next breath, to figure out what's for dinner. They have just picked up and determined they are happier without us, walked away, and left us to pick up the pieces.

The kids say what the parent wants to hear. They want love from everyone, and trust me, kids can manipulate. Besides, it seems to me that Mom doesn't spend enough time with them, so they are doing what they can to get her attention. They are small, and don't realize that they are getting you into trouble.

Just take it one day at a time, and try to breath...

Thanks LolaL, I'm working on breathing something besides FIRE during these kinds of conversations.

The best part of it all is that I'm having an amazing life. I still have a lot of work to do in a number of different areas, but, I'm still having an amazing life.

It's tough sometimes and it seems like nothing is going right in the quest for an awesome marriage. Yet, it's still an amazing life and every day is an amazing day.

Maybe a little more sleep would help. G'nite.

Dan

I'm about 99% certain that W is having an affair or two. I've started a thread over in the Infidelity forum, but, I'll be over here to check up on you all, so keep up the good work.

As for me, I'm just not really sure that I want to work on this any more.

Dan

Oh (((Dan))) I am so sorry. Will catch up on your thread in infidelity.

Hi Dan

Try and refocus ok? What do you need to do to parent the kids? What would it take to make them happy? What would it take to make you happy?

They are just showing their resentment over the sitch by saying mean things. Take what they say as a form of constructive critism and step up and follow through.

You can be the Dad you want to be but you have to put the focus back on them now because they need you.

Also you can't control your W. Pay attention to you and the kids and once the changes are in place she'll strat to notice and maybe have a change of heart.

Thanks friends

W denies anything going on, it's all easily explained away and my snooping means end of marriage. I don't know. I've spent a lot of time seeing her behavior in the best possible light. Perhaps now, I'm seeing it in the worst possible light. I'm just tired that it is always my fault and it has always been my fault and even after incredible personal growth, it's still my fault.

The thing that bugs me the most is that it seems she doesn't really care that what she is doing bothers me. Her comments are basically "It's your problem. Anyone else wouldn't have a problem with what I'm doing." Most everyone else that I've shared her antics with have said that it would be unacceptable in their R and think that I'm some kind of saint for putting up with it.

Probably MLC too on both of our parts. I'm tired of bleeding my life out sitting in a little box in front of another little box to come home to no appreciation and no love. The house looks like a bomb went off, dinner needs fixing, the dishes and laundry and floors and cleanup need taken care of and everyone is complaining that Dad doesn't spend any time with the kids and that the house is a mess.

I've had enough. I need to reconcile that there are parts of who my W is that I love dearly and I will always love and that there are parts of my W that since she seems unwilling to change, will likely lead to a D.

Thanks again,
Dan

Hi Dan: I just got through reading your post in Infidelity.

I can understand your frustration. And all I have to say is this: only Dan knows when Dan has had enough. No one else can tell you when you have had enough, or if you want to continue. But a word of caution, don't act rashly. Take your time making your decision, make sure it is the right one for you and your kiddos. And continue to work on you. You have come a long way, Baby...continue on the GAL because you are doing great!!!

Thank you ((((LolaL)))).

It's a conundrum for sure.

Every time we have R talk it seems to devolve into a familiar pattern. I hurt her, she worked hard on our M for 13 years, the pain that she and the kids experienced was much worse than anything I experienced. Blah Blah Blah Basically, it's my fault and she takes no responsibility for where she is in life.

In her words, she has forgiven me for those hurts, but, I'm skeptical.

It's so damned hard some times. It seems like we are both so hurt that we can't empathize with the other one. W doesn't really apologize for things she does, she twists it so that it was my fault or that I shouldn't be hurt. I apologize, but, it is still thrown back in my face at a later time. I think that I need to evaluate this R closely and identify which things I think are open to change and which things are unlikely to change and move on from there.

It's still an amazing day and I wouldn't trade today for this time last year or the year before that.

Dan

ARGHHHHH!!!!

I need some feedback on something.

W is not in the house and living on her own because she needed a break to figure things out, to find a job, and tit for tat because I had 8 months with no responsibilities(except of course to make all the money to support the family), she wanted one too. She pays for gas, groceries, rent, and utilities where she lives. I've got everything else covered. She sees the kids whenever. It's supposed to be like when I was 4 states away for a new job. I tried to make it really like she was 4 states away and she "visited" for a weekend every 2 months. I figured if she couldn't get her Mommy fix, she would have a chance to really miss the kids. I especially didn't want this to turn into some strange trial divorce. Ha!! What an idiot I was.

Now, she says my snooping has clinched the deal, we are going to get a divorce. A very very real part of me wants to sing the friggin Halleluia Chorus because I am sick and F'ing tired of all this crap. I want to have my own little MLC thank you very much and chase every attractive woman I see. EXCEPT, I have these three little kids that I love and this wife that I love too.

So, we've talked more about the logistics of shared custody of the kids and using her address to get the kids into public school in a better school district versus the private school that they've been attending.

ANYWAY, I'm thinking of bringing up at our MC that if she wants a D, we can start by sharing custody and she can start the following Sunday and we will trade off every other week, and one of the parents will live in the house with the kids and in the off week, she will go to her little apartment and I will either rent a place of my own, or stay with friends.

Part of me thinks this is a good idea and part of me thinks this is a completely moronic idea. I hope that a few of you have more brains than I do and can give some good feedback.

Thanks,
Dan