Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? ms ladybug SQUISHED (3)

Good grief. Ms B, you're right on with what he's trying to do. The Alien wants us to react, because it justifies what they're doing.

You handled it great! You didn't react or make a scene, and you let him know that you felt disrespected. This is progress.

After you didn't react like he expected, he decided to throw the D word out to push your buttons. Remember, it's not a big deal if he moves away. Might actually be better, because then he'll miss you. He has no idea how hard it would be to sell the house and get a divorce. Logic has no place in la-la land.

I really believe things will start to turn for you when he realizes he can't control you any more. As for his relationship with God, that will come. Deep inside he knows what he's doing is wrong, and that makes him even more angry.

I'd still recommend CR at your church, you'd be surprised how many people there are going through the same thing. It's extremely hard to "put a sock in it" in your sitch, you need some help, or at least people who understand.

Rest assured that H sees every time you react differently. And he might be willing to do something like Retro, but not for a while yet. Like my C told me almost a year ago: don't give in to their demands! He needs to respect you again. And every time you pull a 180 and shock him, that will start to happen.

I actually agree with this. Calmly say "if that's what you want to do, I won't stand in your way" (no sarcasm). Again, the last thing he would expect from you.

When my W was threatening like this, my C said "why don't you give her what she wants?" So I did. And she filed, settled, went all the way to the last step before figuring out I wasn't the problem.

I've told him that. I told him I wouldn't try to stop him and I won't contest it. A couple weeks ago he was asking me to choose an attorney. When I actual picked up the attorney paperwork (at his insistence) is when he got mad saying, "don't you even care? This isn't what I want." It's maddening. No matter what I do, it's not going to be the right thing.

I don't think he'll be able to afford an apt in Santa Maria unless we sell the house. So, I don't really see him going without me. We'll see.

Last night he threw out the Ephesians 5 verse about "Wives submit to your husbands. Husbands love your wives, etc..." I told him I haven't felt loved by him in a long time. He said it's not tit for tat. I'm to submit out of obedience to God, and he is to love me in obedience to God. I know he's right, but Christ! We don't even live together! He stopped going to church long ago. He wants to lead me, but he isn't following God. How can I follow him??

I DID read husbands threads. The difference is his wife was willing to go to Retro. My husband refuses everything (mc,retro, etc...)

Right, so don't worry about it. Or lawyers. It's really hilarious that he uses all these threats, when he hasn't even filed. It's extremely simple, my W did it the first day we separated.



You can't. That's why you're not going to move. And don't get me started on Ephesians 5. That's exactly NOT what the passage means. Glad I went to Seminary



Right. So does my W. So we've got to figure out what to do in the meantime.

Great job on the WW, how's the rest of your GAL going?

You know the thing that kills me when that scripture gets quoted is how it's always conveniently left out that husbands are to submit to their wives too, and that is referenced several places throughout.

Sounds like he's trying to push YOUR buttons of things that mean something to you, to try to get his way. Not cool. He isn't leading, how can you follow? You lead by example and he isn't showing a Christian devoted example right now. He trying to manipulate your via your faith, ........so not cool.

Hang in there. He sounds very confused indeed.

Chris

it just seems that your way of being with eachother has to change and you need to find a way that is diffrernt from how things are going currently.

this seems very unhealthy and i would like for you to have some ideas and steps you can take to help make this better....

any ideas?

OK. Then, can jon or anyone explain to me what Ephesians 5 means? It DOESN'T say wives submit to your husbands ONLY if they love you back. How can I explain what that verse is REALLY about. I guess I don't understand it myself.
Chris, you're right. He IS manipulating me via my faith. He KNOWS that's the one thing I won't back down on.
Pisces, any suggestions? I told him that I'd like to discuss our issues with a third pary present (mc), so that we can really listen, validate, and work through them without arguing and misunderstanding each other. He refuses.

then LRT until he does something new. thisis getting very back and forth and ugly...

haev you tried LRT yet?

((((((Ladybug))))))

I am glad to hear from you again....well I wish none of us were here and everyones M were perfect....but you know what I mean.

First off I have to say the "BBQ event" was probably one of the most classless things I have ever heard about.

Your H, more than anything seems to like to test you and push your buttons until you trip up. He seems very insecure in your M. It also seems clear that he doesn't want to get a D....he would have filed by now. He is quite the button pusher. He seems to test you by talking about the D and then is upset when you get you talk to a L. He is looking for you to be confident in the M.

Moving away seems to be very high on his list probably for a variety of reasons.....better life for you and the kids, and likely a vote of confidence from you in the R, by abandoning your life to start a new one with him.

I think you would be wrong to move away at this point before improving the R.

You two always seem to get in a fight whenever your talk about the R which problabaly results from a blame game escalation.

Perhaps agreeing to move away at a later date if the two of you could work on and improve your M, might be a good compromise....of course assuming this is somethign you are eventually willing to do.

Thanks TwinDad!

I've told my h countless times that if he would just sit still and work on our marriage, then once our marriage is improved, I would move with him anywhere he wants to go (even his dream of moving to TN -yuck). But right now, I can't trust him and I can't live with him. His response to that is always that "we can work on our marriage no matter where we live." True. But, we can't LIVE TOGETHER yet!
Now, I'm way more inclined to move to Santa Maria then I ever would be to TN, but NOT RIGHT NOW.

You're also right about the blame game escalation. Anyway to get away from that without taking the entire blow for our marriage problems? He doesn't think he needs help. I won't take him back without it.