Our sitch's are eerily similar: age group, number of years married, I have similar health issues as your H (prob. same one). I've been hanging out in newcomers but my wife went to live with a friend last week.
Also eerily similar: The questions that I have about "what now?!" I barely have contact with her and do not expect that to change anytime soon. I wondered, like you, how she was going to see my changes if we never interacted. Also, like you, I am struggling and working through this detachment business. The emotional reactions are almost identical too.
You story has given me some reassurance. I am new to all this; I can't offer much advice but I have plenty of encouragement.
I'm reading along!
B
ps. Drop by if you get a chance!
My Story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1512790&page=1#Post1512790
Hi Julia, just checking on you. I'll try to find a post on detaching that I thought was great... I know it's difficult but it's the only way forward. And it increases your chances for reconciliation although it feels as if you are doing exactly the opposite. Makes you want to fight it at times, doesn't it? There were moments I didn't want my life to continue without him, being stubborn trying to hold on to "us" as if that would bring him closer... Guess what? Wrong attitude...
Well, it was a bit of a funny weekend for me. Friday night was really fun at the summer fete, me and my friend got a bit tipsy and giggly. We sung on the helioke (karaoke with helium) which was very amusing.
Saturday wasn't so good for me, but luckily (now M from T has pointed out to me) I recognised that it was because Sat morning is a trigger for me. So, I got up pottered around the house and tried to keep busy instead of wallowing. Did an online supermarket shop and then headed out to get the train to my pedicure. I still felt very down though. My pedicure was nice but there was a wedding going on outside the window which didn't help I wandered round the town for a bit and browsed the shops, it is a really sweet market town and somewhere I am considering moving to and then came home.
By the evening I was feeling pretty rough as I my cold had really come out. However Sunday was a much better day. In the morning I lazed in bed watching TV with my cat and in the afternoon I headed out armed with my picnic blanket, a book that wasn't self-help and my sketch book and went and sat down by the lakes and relaxed in the sunshine (well, shade as I'm so pale!). It was a really lovely afternoon sketching and stuff and I had much better PMA.
I'm sitting at my desk this morning feeling fuzzy headed though. I seem to get a cold every 6 weeks or so. I take vitamins, am eating more healthily than ever before and exercising more but I can't seem to stave them off! It's just irritating. Still, I'm meeting a friend for lunch so that should be fun and then getting my food delivery tonight so should be able to eat!
Nothing from my h and still no money in the account. Mortgage has gone out but luckily we have not been charged yet. I have till the 1st to sort it out as that is when more bills will come out. He, however, had a great weekend it sounds like from his FB profile. He obviously got completely wasted and last year when that happened his bf broke his leg cos he was so drunk. The EA wrote 'drunkard' on his wall which is trying to get in on his university speak again. The positive thing is that I didn't snoop - it came up on my newsfeed when I was replying to a message from someone else and I wasn't really that bothered. I just thought 'idiot' to him and the ea - well something ruder to the EA - and clicked off.
So, a mixed weekend but hopefully a good week. I have booked a session with a DB coach tomorrow...
Thank you for stopping by. My h has Chron's Disease, I have never met another sufferer although I have met someone who suffers with Colitus. It would be really good to get a little insight into how he may be feeling as I think I have assumed a lot. Any insights you can give me would be great, however encouragement is just as much needed.
Hi Julia- i have Rheumatoid Arthritis which is now fully under control and im very active...but when i was first diagnosed about 9 yrs ago it was a bit difficult. initially nobody knew what it was and it tok a year to figure it out..meanwhile you go from totally healthy to not being able to do what you normally do...i actually didnt mind once i was diagnosed..then about another year later i started to get pretty depressed that my life was not going to be the way i pictured it..i started to sit more bc of the pain and bc i was depressed...then it just became major depression and i didnt know what to make of my life...that was about 3 yrs ago..i was angry and i was mad at my H for not being sensitive to my needs ( he did help me a lot but i didnt see it)..then the first bomb from him snapped me out of my funk and i realized that i better get my act together and i had no excuse to be so depressed and mad...i did a lot of work over th past 2 years to better myself...therapy, womens groups on how to be the best wife and woman i could be, books, accupuncture, herbs, exercise, etc. now i have found what works for me and i am staying healthy , active and positive...i think this second bomb is a result of my H thinking it was all me bc of my past and now he is realizing his stuff.
i hope this helps..i have a friend with crohns disease and it is similar in the fact that it just hits you and changes your life...some physical similarities.
i think its important to know that this isnt about you and it is shocking for a peson so young to get this and feel helpless and lost.
you just need to take care of you and you can also tell your H what you need. i think being loving and listening to him is very important but dont let his depression and hole allow him to treat you poorly- i actually was happy that my H wanted the first bomb bc i changed and had no choice...just give your H time and let him do what he will do. his actions are directly based on depression.
i hope all this helps!!
as for your $ sitch- this is your financial future too. i would get a little more stern about what you need...and if its an issue you must really protect yourself so you can not have problems forever bc your credit is low from all this. do you have any ideas how to do a 180 and discuss this with him?
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
Wow, Pisces thank you so much for sharing that means so much. I think the fact that they are both chronic diseases and can flare up at anytime makes them pretty similar in terms of affect on the mind. Purely looking at the facts with my h in terms of him dealing with the illness is that
- he was amazingly brave throughout the whole illness. - after he had his last op he was supposed to go to his specialist for a check up. That was in May. He didn't go for that and when I questioned him he said they cancelled it, so I made him rearrange. He told me he had done this. - When it got to the time for the next appointment he said they cancelled it again. - In September I took matters into my own hands and phoned up his specialist myself (I did this out of concern for him as he always maintained that he didn’t have time to call from work) The specialist said he hadn't turned up for his May appointment so they had struck him off the list and had never heard from him since. I kicked up a huge fuss saying that they were lying, typical NHS etc etc. but it turns out it was true. - In October he left me after refusing to go on holiday. I left to go on the holiday saying I wanted him to think about going back to the doctors and the whole no sex thing (I was really hurt and confused that he had lied to me, refused to come on holiday and felt a bit of a fool in front of the doctors). I know, not a great way to act but I thought the tough approach would be the best one – a kick up the you know what! - Finally in January I got him to go back to the doctors to get the all clear. This was a really critical appointment as otherwise all the ops and everything beforehand would have been wasted if they hadn’t cut out all the diseased bits and to make sure the iliostomy had healed as it should. He wanted me to go with him to the hospital and also the look of relief when he came out of the appointment was immense. We just hugged. - Now he is doing nothing to manage his condition or (I assume) done any research on it. It is like he is ignoring it. He is left with some residual side effects from the operations that he has to live with and that must be hard and embarrassing for him. He forgets to go for his vitamin injections so gets quite ill again every 4 months or so.
I believe that maybe part of the problem is that I remind him of that time. The thing is he doesn't seem depressed, he just blanks it out. That is what i don't understand. I never mention anything to do with his illness now or enquire so he doesn't feel nagged. I have no idea whether I am doing the right thing though or if there is anythign I can do for him.
JCJ, you know our situations are very similar, so I thought I'd comment, too:
Originally Posted By: JCJ
I know, not a great way to act but I thought the tough approach would be the best one – a kick up the you know what!
Me, too with my H, but "tough love" always backfired on me. I think the harder I pushed, the more my H retreated. It became about defying me, rather than getting better.
Originally Posted By: JCJ
This was a really critical appointment as otherwise all the ops and everything beforehand would have been wasted if they hadn’t cut out all the diseased bits and to make sure the iliostomy had healed as it should.
I just googled ileostomy to figure out what it was! Was his temporary or permanent?
Originally Posted By: JCJ
It is like he is ignoring it. He is left with some residual side effects from the operations that he has to live with and that must be hard and embarrassing for him...The thing is he doesn't seem depressed, he just blanks it out.
Does he feel like the ileostomy has "cured" him, or is it straight-up denial?
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
The ileostomy was temporary luckily, he only had it for about 5/6 months. He knew that the stoma (ileostomy) wouldn't cure him. The operation to cut out the bits of diseased bowel did that, they put the stoma in so the bowel could rest and heal itself. The stoma definately had a big effect on both him as it was problematic and didn't heal properly meaning that the bags didn't fit properly and things - he was quite scared to go out in public. It really dented his pride and also after the reversal he couldn't touch the scars.
I think it is straight up denial, because there are things that he could be doing to help himself. Not drinking milk, having his vitamin injection, looking at his diet etc but it feels like he has just run away and I know from when we shared all our money he ate out every night. I don't know if he is still doing that but he has put on such a lot of weight. The thing is that if he has to have any more operations he would most probably have to have a permanent stoma which is why I don't understand why he isn't looking after himself or going for the check ups.
It doesn't seem to be about the illness anymore though, it has morphed into a battle against me it feels like. To be honest I haven't a clue what is going on inside his head as he will never say. I kind of feel a bit funny talking about it we kept what was going on so private I have never really said but it was such a hard time for both of us really but especially for him.
Do you ever talk about health problems with your h anymore?
I wandered round the town for a bit and browsed the shops, it is a really sweet market town and somewhere I am considering moving to and then came home.