Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Walk-Away-Spouse my crazy mess part 3...

"Okay Christa and Corey"

There is no "E" in my name. Just Cory. The "E" implies its a girl. Sorry Sandi2.. I had to rib you a bit on that.

"Okay, something does not add up. The description of what you gave about yourself and how Corey talk about you handling the ordeals with your H.....sounds like two different people. I know how losing a loved one can cause you to be afraid of losing anyone else that you love.....and you have lost both parents. Are you so afraid of getting that intimate with the one you love that you are unconciously retreating from it? Why or what is causing you to feel the "desparation" when we know there is a confident woman here? Are you afraid to be alone? Are you living along? I know you have said, but I'm sorry, I can't remember."

Sandi2.. I have a bit more info than you.. IMHO.. Christa has Hyper-Focused her "losing things". The last person left.. is her H.. and the R she had with him. So everything is "Focused" on that. And it shows up. I want you two to focus on that. For now.

I will be back.. gotta cook dinner.

FG~ Are you here and not there....

Hi Sweetie (Christa....not you CorY) lol......Gee, hope I'm spelling my name correctly. How does.......never mind.

Okay Christa, how ya doing tonight? Let me reflect on a couple of things you said. Thanks again for answering my questions. It helps a lot.

First of all, I am upset, but not surprised, that the therapist or counselor did not go for saving the M. I have had a few experiences with counselors and some of them have very few college hours of actual "counseling"---according to what I have been told. Anyway, the majority will tell you to drop the spouse and go find whatever makes you happy. That is their answer to the problem. It is hard to find a pro-marriage solution based counselor! When I was in the mist of my EA with the man on-line.....I went to a psychiatrist/counselor/therapist....whatever she was suppose to be...and do you know that when I told her all the dirty little details of the stuff I was doing with OM on-line.....she said there was nothing wrong with that and I had not committed adultry. Well, my H sure felt like I had! I may not have had a PA with OM, but I might as well had--by what I was doing on that web cam! (Can't believe I just told that.) The reason I am saying this is not to cause you to lose confidence in your psychiatrist or therapist, but it is just to let you know that they are not always right and I think you are very smart and already know when they aren't going in the right direction for you. So I probably just spilled my guts for nothing....lol. Anyway, go with what you want.....and that is to save your M. If this new therapist does not agree or work with you on that one thing....I think you would be wasting your time to continue with her/him.



Yes, I kind of know how that is. I have completely planned my H's funeral--when he starts rubbing his chest. But, I think in your case it is the stress combined with the grief you are still suffering from. You are scared of losing the next person you love. Therefore, it makes perfect sense that you would worry about him.

BTW, you never said if you are living alone or with a friend. I just got the idea that you lived alone, but at the same time I wonder if you are afraid of being "left" alone.....without anybody that you love.....or that loves you.

What you talked about your dad, it made me cry. It was so sweet. Then you told me about losing your cousin right after you dad. Christa, your fears must stem from all of this! It just has to. I feel so strongly about you getting help with all of this loss from a real psychiatrist and not mess around with anyone else. Hope you took that the way I meant it.

I don't know if I understood FG correctly or not. I think he said that you were too focused on the loss you have suffered. Maybe so, I don't know. However, I think you are trying hard to fill your life with family and friends.....filling some "void" there with activities. But, the emptiness is there and I don't think you can avoid it. You can't push it aside and pretend it doesn't affect your life b/c it does. I don't mean to just keep on "preaching" about the loss factor, but I think until you can get through this part of the grieving that you are going to struggle to find that person you once were. I personally believe experiencing that much at one time can change a person if they don't know how to handle it.....and I don't know anyone that would know how. I do know of one couple that lost both of their teenage children within a year's time. Their faith kept them from losing their minds. They were a real testimony to the community, but I'm pretty sure I would have gone insane. Okay, enough about that. Didn't mean to run a horse into the ground.



I am so relieved to hear this b/c I was hoping that she was not from some "off the wall" cult. You know, I believe a person can be "religious" and not be "spiritual". And, I agree 100% with what you said. I am so happy that you have her. I hope you will allow her to continue to minister to you, b/c nobody can help the healing like God can. I think she will help you find the way there. Joel Osteen is good to listen to. I will tell you another preacher that is uplifting. I don't agree 100% with some of his doctrine, but never-the-less, he sure makes me feel good, and that is John Hagee. He comes on TBS (?) on Sunday afternoon. My favorite is Dr. Charles Stanley, which I agree with his teaching 100%. I would encourage you to listen to him. Well, I could talk about all that for a week.....lol.



She is taking the right perspective POV. Your family wants you to stop hurting and they see the H causing your pain. I know where they are coming from since I have a daughter that was hurt in three different marriages. You can't help but feel that way when you are family. Friends often side with you and are against the spouse, or they will say "whatever makes you happy". The family just wants you to get away from him. So, it is probably best not to even bring up the subject of H and M when with family.

Well, I think I've talked this particular subject through pretty well. May come back to it more later. So, now we need to focus on your H and what to do.....hummmm. I think I am going to be forced into actually pulling a FB and go do some thinking on this one. (lol)

Christa, I have done a lot of talking and I appreciate you just listening and responding to me. You have my prayers, sweetie. I know you are in pain and are doing everything you know to do to find your way. I admire you for doing that and for not giving up. You will find your way.......never doubt that. You have suffered a lot of loss and very close together and at a young age. But, you have a future that will "give" back to you in other ways and give you other people. We all have to deal with the past and how it affects us, but we all need to look to the future and not dwell on the past. I think that is what you want to do......you've just got to work through all this stuff and it takes time (darn it).

I love your sense of humor. I think that is one thing that keeps you going. We are going to figure out how you can get that "personality" of yours going with your H. I know he likes it, but he is fighting his feelings. Maybe he is afraid also. Tell me....has he suffered losing anyone close to him, like you have? Is there anything in his past that would cause him to react to you the way he does.......by showing his anger the way he does? Or, do you think it is strickly the stitch itself?

Okay.....enough for tonight. I am going to put my thinking cap on.....if I can remember where I left it.

((Christa)) take care, sweetie. You are not alone.

Sandi

Hi Sandy, Sorry I am going to have to make this short...I am off to work this morning...good and bad...work keeps me sane...but who wants to work on a nice sunny beautiful Sat.???!!! LOL

Didn't sleep well last night...had dreams that woke me up....so fell asleep about eleven and slept til 4 5 hours, which is better than where i was last week...2-3 hours!! I baked cinnamon struessel bread to take to my co-workers...that will make them happy!!

I live alone...as soon as I walked I purchased a home; I have 3 dogs, pitbulls...and NOT, the kind everybody talks about on TV....they ARE my babies....and were raised to be polite, friendly and respectful. When raised properly, they truly are awesome dogs. They have been around children since they were pups, and do great....they are too awesome! They are also part of my support system...I cry on their shoulders some nights....they lick my tears. I tell my male, who was with me the day my dad died...he is all the man i need right now!! his tail wags!! My male, Cade, was there the day my dad died...he lived with me and dad...when dad was really sick Cade would have anything to do with dad the last week....but 2 minutes or so before he died me and my sister and my aunt were all in bed with my dad....Cade came in their and jumped on the bed and curled around my dad's legs....tell me now that dogs don't have a 6th sense...and pits are meanies....i cry just thinking about it!

anywho, back to me and my place. I live in the neighborhood adjacent to my sister...we can walk to eachother's houses...close enough...but not too close. My 2 cousins are about a 2 minute drive from me....we are all close. The lake is about a 5 minute drive, and i'm 10 from work. It is nice...oh and 5 from walmart...where as when i lived with the H....i was 45 from civilization....however, i would trade it all in to go back to country life...the city is not all it is cracked up to be!! LOL!! The H has HUGE, did I mention, HUGE, issues with the fact I purchased a home...he brought that up several times last summer/fall when we were on speaking terms/dating. He just didn't understand why i would do that. I said renting a home is a waste, and no one would rent to me with the 3 dogs...i told him it was an investment...he and i had talked about buying houses fixing them up and either renting or reselling....i know this is a totally different sitch...but i tried to explain, look at it as investment property...not "my house"....he still was not happy. I tried to explain how our house in the country would always be home, and how much i enjoyed the time i was spending with him back at the farm....he said i shouldn't have filed, and bought a house...end of story.

I will try to watch for the pastor you talked about. I watch Joel a lot. Even when I get down, I go online and find an episode to watch. My friend also tells me to watch Joyce Meyer. I still have yet to find her. I'm hoping to someday get to Houston(I have family there) and see Joel in person....I just really "feel" what he is saying....especially when he talks of not giving up...it really inspires me. I contacted his ministry to pray for me and my H and our M...they sent me 2 DVD's and a nice prayer book, along with a great email, with scriptures and prayers to say....I thought that was really awesome.

Last yr at this time, I really didn't have much of a sense of humor about all of this...but now, I just role with the punches. I am really laid back. I know in my heart, I am doing all I can on my side to make this work....I know H may not see...but I know the One Man that matters, He sees it from above. No matter how this ends...I know in my heart and soul, I will have given it my all...I know I started this, I know what I did was cowardly, but I'm ready to fix it, make my wrongs right....put that thinking cap on girl....let's "do work" as Forrest says!!

Ok, I really have got to get in the shower...got to be out the door in 20 minutes...I really doubt that is going to happen!! Oh, well...i'm always late for work...they're used to it!!! I will be checking in periodically from my phone!

thanks sandi...you don't know how much this means to me!
you're awesome
hugs
christa

Hi Christa,
I foster dogs for our local pet rescue and I have had a couple of these types of dogs in my care. They are amazingly intelligent and loyal dogs. They do need consistent and fair training. I have always said there are no such things as bad dogs, just bad owners.

I'm 'listening' in on your sitch, as one of the few WAW's on the boards who is living away from the H, I feel we have somethings in common.

Give me a holler if you'd like to 'talk' sometime!

Bridge

Hey Christa,

I am here too. I have a hard time "getting" everything but I try. One comment : I agree with the CALM DOWN comment. I don't know how you can do that, but you really need to calm down.

All these tragedies you have gone through probably played their role (Duh, yeah KALNI!!), you had to "adjust" to come through. Well, guess what? You made it. Now you can relax and lick your wounds. Maybe if you do that, you may realise your H is not really what you want, you want what he represents...(I am thinking out loud here)
Kalni

Good afternoon Christa, well I was up till 3:30.....so we neither one got much sleep, huh? I just have nights like that....part of the Fibromyalgia....has nothing to do with getting older...I'm sure of it! (lol)

Well, I am a dog lover too! Can't stand to see any animal mistreated in any way. Can't stand to see them in a cage, tied up or things of that nature. A fensed in back yard.....that's okay if it is big enough. I had a long hair minute dashound but she had to be put to sleep and it about killed me in the process, so that is something we share....a love for dogs.

Again, I cried when you talked about your dog and your dad. Man, that is something! But, I agree, they do have a sense when someone is sick, hurting or dying. So sweet and yet so sad.

You are so amazing Christa, to think you bought a house all by yourself! I wouldn't know the first thing about how to do that. Although I consider myself a strong independent woman in her own right.....I am from the old school (I know) and still depend on my H (mostly b/c I just don't want to do it...lol) to take care of certain parts of the "business details". Like with the cars, insuance and taxes......stuff like that. I keep telling myself that I need to do that b/c if something was to happen to him, I would need to know how to do it. I will make that my goal.

Okay, I haven't actually found my "thinking cap" yet.....been so busy taking care of/ or sticking my nose into other people's business this morning...lol. But anyway, I know you told me how the two of you met and how you flirted with him and chased him. Now, my question to you is......could you do this again or would you feel that fear rise up if he acted as though he was going to get angry at you and reject any type of flirting from you? Because, sweetheart, until you can overcome that part.....we are going to have to think of a different approach. That will be hard b/c we are talking about a part of your personality that would not be "free" to let loose on the man. (Did that make sense?) In other words, you would be trying to be something or somebody other than who you really are.

Okay, another question. Before all the loss you experienced, how would you react if/when your H ever raised his voice or showed his anger at you? Did you retreat? Were you afraid of him? Did your self-esteem hit zero level? Or, did that spit fireball of a woman get up in his face and let him know who he was dealing with? Maybe I am wrong here (I have been once or twice...but not much more than that..lol) but I have a feeling you didn't back down! Am I right? Has this new behavior and re-action to his action been since the S? If so, then it proves that what I have said previously is correct in that all you have been through with loosing the people you love....it all is affecting how you react with your H now.

Christa, I know you are a spunky gal. You know how I know? B/c you did not take a minute of his crap when you found out about him playing around with old girlfriend. You are my kind of girl! I don't blame you....I would have been out of there, too! But, somewhere after you left....this "fear" and "desparation" stated to take over who you really are...why? That's the big question.

So, now you are thinking you filed for D a bit hasty. Well, that sounds a lot like me, too.....hummm. Okay, so.......what would I do if I were in your shoes? Well, darn! I've got to go look for that cap, that's all there is to it!

Before I go, I just wanted to mention that I started to say something about Joyce Meyers to you before, but I didn't want you to think I was cramming all the preachers on TV down your throat. But she has even changed the name of her program to something like Enjoying Your Everyday Life....or something like that. She is very practical in her teaching on every day stuff that we have to live.....and she does a lot from a woman's POV. She doesn't get off into a lot of "doctrine", and I have watched her for a long time. She has illustrated a lot of things that I had not thought about before. I think she comes on the stations around here very early in the morning. Just about right for you.....lol. I'm sure she is on at different times of the day....just look in TV Guide if you can find something that resembles anything close to that title...lol.

Okay, I'll talk later. Going to go think now and it may cause a headache...lol.

Take care,
Sandi

Hi, I'm back and I'm sure this will lock your thread up and you will get to start another one. Don't you love it?

I have spent the last two hours going over a few notes I had in a book and it made me think of something, so I go back to score one of your stitch (wheee) and start reading all over again. I went through it rather quickly the first time, so now I'm wondering if I missed something. Anyway, I'll bring it up in a minute. But, if you will please be patient with me, I would like to show some quotes that I copies and pasted and added a few words of my own (you knew I couldn't leave that out!) and just wanted you to see what I'm seeing here....or if you did. Most are your quotes unless I wrote the name of the person that said it above the quotation. I didn't think to start putting dates on the quotations until I copied another poster's quote.

Hang on to your hats everyone.....this is Sandi's longest post ever!! (Maybe) First quote is the longest (if that helps).

*******************************
For starters, I was a a right fighter(dr phil) always had to have my way...I have learned that is not a good thing...have

..."why is Christa being so nice?" I'm thinking this is a good sign

ok...talked with the H today...the only answers he will give are I don't know. He told me still has feelings but will never trust me again...which I validated, told him it would be hard after I left to regain trust. I asked him if there was something that I could do to help him regain my trust...he answered I don’t know. We talked for about an hour, just issues within the marriage, finances etc..."why do I care about his finances now"..he's in a financial burden now..(thinking about selling the house we lived in) He also told me he is overly stressed. Things were going good, then all of sudden I show back up in his life, and he has all of these decisions to make..it just overly stresses him. He also lost his job on Friday which is not helping matters. He did say he doesn't know if he wants the D, still has feelings...but how is he to believe everything is just going to be hunky dorry! I just tried so hard to validate everything he was saying and be reassuring. He tried to pick several fights, I remained calm and reassuring. He ended the call saying he would call me sometime. It is just getting frustrating living in limbo, not knowing....

7/23/07 by Gone Dancing:
He's really thinking about it, trust me -- but he's trying to be very cautious and wants to really be 110% sure that you're invested in being there for the long haul. When an LBS is actually left but then the WAS comes back, the thought and concern that the WAS could WA again is overwhelming. The trust will take some time to patch back together. It will likely take the two of you spending a lot of time together again (and a lot of affirmation from you with both actions and words!) before he will actually feel that it will be okay.

From Sandi.....
This is telling me that his ego has been badly hurt and it is going to take some healing….maybe over a long period of time, before he is ready to risk getting hurt again. However, it doesn’t answer for his talking to former girlfriend……hummmm.
You said he went at “turtle speed”…..(I have one like that too…ugh) and it does take them a long time to come to a decision as important as this one. Just look at the pool problem for an example!

7/23/07 from WAW1978:
Sounds like he is in a very bad place with losing his job and in a bad place financially otherwise. Try to keep supporting him during this rough time. You want him to see you as a friend and ally. Show him that you are trust worthy and that you are not going to disappear again.

From Sandi:
Yes, and he may see you as a lady that has passed by him in formal education (climbing up the success ladder) and feels inadequate. Although, Barbara DeAngelis says that H’s are proud of their W’s that are able to do this and that women should not stop their own growth to make the H feel better about himself or to “outshine” her.

I told him I would give him some $ to help him make it thru...but he said he didn't want to owe me anything. I think to it must be hard on his pride to have to ask me for it...

From Sandi:
Yes, it probably was hard on the male ego. We women think we are helping but nothing is more fragile than the male ego, according to a preacher I heard.

I asked him about doing dinner sometime...flat out no....which I don't get, because we had been doing things together at least once or twice a month...it's been two weeks since the last time we did go out...just not getting the all of sudden pulling away.

From Sandi:
Remember…..turtle pace? He was digesting.

What I mean by he is living the bachelor life...he just goes out a lot...bought a harley, even though he can not afford it

From Sandi:
Sounds like a MLC!

so now is when I become frustrated, haven't heard from him since weds...arrrghhh... I sit and contemplate what I did and how I acted...is their something that I could have done differently....why doesn't he contact me after. This is when I start to have those feelings....like I should just make him decide between me and the life he is choosing to live (pretty sure is still dating and enjoying bachelor life)....this is when my patience are really tested...and again....i know...patience, patience, patience....

From Sandi:
You may be right! Again, if he is in MLC, then that is the roller coaster ride he is on.

8/29/07 From Gone Dancing:
The fact that he is explicitly telling you he's scared, doesn't want you to leave him again, etc, means that he wants you to know he is invested in the M still, yet wants to make sure you know what you need to do to reassure him things will be okay and that you'll be there for the long haul.

10/04/07
the talk didn't go well...he asked for the D,

10/05/07 From Broken Marriage:
H sounds angry which is good. Angry means you still have feelings to work out. The toughest thing I and a lot of us on this BB has had to do is let go of the rope. When the WAS is pulling on the rope the worst thing to do is pull back by trying to convince them to stay. Just let go of the rope and watch them fly back on their butt. Once they get up and wonder what happened

10/05/07 From Steel Box:
Could it be that the cockiness and arrogance on his part are a bit of false bravado to maintain his composure right now? The reason I ask is that I know that for a while I did some of this,

10/09/07
So, H text me yesterday and asked me to come down...I said no thanks, he then asked if I had talked to my atty, I said no...next thing I know he calls me...and was like I was hoping you would want to come down, so we could talk about working things out...but now I see you have your same old attitude back, and don't want to talk about things...so never mind that.

From Sandi:
More roller coaster riding???

10/11/07
One week ago, he told me he was embarrassed to be associated with me, and wanted a D, now this. So confused....

Sandi:
See what I mean?

11/09/07
I wish no news was good news, but unfortunately not. H and I really haven’t had much interaction lately

Sandi:
And more

12/28/07
We just hung out chatted a bit about the R/M, nothing too major, and I spent the night again.

From Sandi...in shock:
Huh…..what? Where did I miss the first time? Wow!

3/29/08
God gives you everything you need to fight the battle, it's finding the strength, courage and confidence He has already instilled within you to continue on fighting the good fight. He wouldn't set you up for something you couldn't handle.

Sandi:
Yes! I believe that! Remember saying that, Christa?

3/30/08
But I just know that at this point God is giving me the strength I need to continue on fighting for my H/R/and M. It's so crazy, every time I feel like I'm supposed to give up, I pray, or read scripture, and I'm back to being just as motivated to continue on. As I said before, He will let me know when it is time to let go.

Sandi:
Somewhere during this time, your spiritual friend must have come to your aid.

3/31/08
He helped me thru two of the most difficult times in my life, the deaths of both my parents

Sandi:
Was this the first time you mentioned you parents? I think it was.

4/1/08
Needless to say, that is what he did to really open my eyes. I guess the easiest way to say it is, he stopped giving a sh*t about me, and I honestly think he kind of stopped giving a sh*t about himself.

Sandi:
I don't think that is necessarily true, sweetie, b/c if he stopped caring about you, he would not be drinking like that unless he really thought there was no hope

4/06/08
He had been calling and texting his ex-girlfriend, while telling me how badly he wanted things to work out.

From Sandi.....very confused now:
Okay, so did I misunderstand something? I thought this started before you walked away from the marriage. But you have just mentioned it here. Why did you wait so long before saying anything? So, was he contacting the old girl friend before you left or not? I’m confused and have read to much today.

7/24/08
he knew both of my parents, and adored my dad....life would just be "the good stuff" with him there...sharing the memories of my parents with me...and maybe someday with kids....maybe that sounds silly...but that's what i feel.

Sandi:
Gosh, playing therapist again, this just jumped out at me! Do you see what I see?

*******************
Okay, that's all (I know you're glad to hear that.) I've never done this before and hope I don't get kicked off the board. Crista, what about that last statement you made? What do you think about that?

Sorry, this is so long. I have really tried hard today to think of how to help. For some reason, I was led back to your entire thread again. Anyway.....for what it's worth.....

Sandi

SAndi~ My laptop is on the fritz(brand new mind you!), I just left work...12 hours of hell!, and I'm getting sinus infection....and I'm tired...sorry, whiney!! So I'm just going to answer a few quick things...then off to bed.

Before, the parents past....I wouldn't take any BS...I was a fireball...and pretty much still kept up...I have no problem keeping my "guns" loaded...The problem is, sometimes my words get out ahead of my brain...and that gets me into trouble...you know open mouth insert foot disease. I once said, "the bread winner" is tired and wants to go home...when he was laid off of work....I still heard about that one last year when we were "dating" or whatever you want to call it.

Girl/OW...I refer to her as PIA (pain in my arss) so from here on out she is now known to us as PIA...he got a ride home from her in OCT, 2 days before our wedding anniv. he stated nothing happend....all i know is he and his buddies said they were playing poker...he said he was drunk and she gave him a ride there...and they called eachother a few times and text...all while a sober wife was at home who could have done just that for him....sealed the deal on me walking. So then I walk in JAn. he wanted to do counseling which I agreed to, I get the phone bill(cell) 2 days before 2nd counseling session...low and behold, he's calling her all hours of the night, texting her...all while telling me how badly he wants to work things out...he said she was just "being his friend"....interesting.

Yes, Bring it on...will do flirty mcflirty....game on!

Got to get out of this funk somehow...might as well be on my own game!

Last statement...not sure...will think when head clearer...you are giving me gump riddles now. just kidding....

got to go to bed

thanks sandy...i think i got most of the major questions answered...if not i will check back tomorrow, hopefully my laptop will be working...and i'm not doing this from my 2000yr old, old slow computer!

thanks & hugs
christa

((Christa)) I didn't mean for you to answer me right back when you got home after a hard day of working. Gosh, that makes me feel bad, cause I know I wrote a book.....but was trying to go back over some things in my own mind, I guess. We will figure this out, but you get better. I don't know how you have the drive to pull all those over-time shifts that you do.

Have a good night sweetie. Take some meds for that sinus infection b/c that is bad stuff.

Sandi