Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Slow and steady wins the race... hopefully!

I've never had a pedicure either, but I hear they are great so I hope that you really enjoy it. You are doing fantastic at a very horrible thing so your very much deserve to treat yourself and I hope it is wonderful. I know what you mean about detaching, I try so hard and some days it seems to be working and then all of a sudden its not. I guess you just keep trying then one day you realize you’re detached and its been a while since you have thought about it. That would be nice. Enjoy your rain!!

Julia, the reason for this is probably because weekends are usually thought of as "family time". The family is sort of broken now, there's a piece missing, so this is a trigger. Friday's used to really suck for me. I rode the coaster like crazy on Friday.



Not a problem. Takes a long time to truly detach. The quicker you detach the sooner you can remove all the emotion/drama. The quicker you can remove the emotion/drama then the better off you'll be. Self doubt..I know it well. It's hard to beleive in anybody or anything in these sitches. it's hard to trust your own judgement at times.



It's not a failure if you can walk away or look back and say, "I did all I could"..that's not a failure. Failure is Walking Away and not looking back, not trying, not working.

You're here, you posted, you're not a failure.



That's it. That's pretty much what happens. It's in the front of your mind at the start, then it just sort of drifts to the back.
GAL'ing like crazy helps push it back I think. Staying busy helps push it back. Enjoying your kids helps push it back. You would think that friends and family would help push it back but in reality they "keep it forward" by trying to rescue you and get you out of harms way..

Hi Mike

You are right in so many ways. Especially on this one.



I have recently come to realise that my friends and family all keep it at the forefront of my mind. A classic example of this is this morning when a friend texted me to see how I was and I replied saying fine but I have a bit of a summer cold. She replied saying it was probably because I was run down - that isn't the case at all, I just travel into London everyday on a very busy train so am in close proximity to people. In fact someone sneezed on my on Tuesday - nice! I know she meant well, but I am doing pretty good at the moment and it brings everything back to the forefront of my mind. Mind you, it was my fault really for moaning about the cold so maybe I should work on my responses to that!

I don't have a lot of distractions in my life as I now live alone (well, with my cat) in the house we used to share and pretty much work on my own too. I thought seeing friends and things were a distraction as I do that a lot but they aren't at all as they all remind me of my life with h and how really I would much rather be with h. I might start looking onto some evening art classes to take my mind off things and meet new people. I have been meaning to do this for a while.


Also, for some reason this hadn't really occurred to me. Friday nights I don't mind, it's waking up Saturday morning that does it for me.

I do worry thought that detaching too much will mean I am letting go of my h, and I know that is the point, but it is scary. It is really hard to keep love alive when you are being treated so and I don't want to lose that love...

I believe Love is a choice and if that is true then you need not worry about losing the love for your H. The love will alwsy be there for your husband if you choose to let it be there.

I don't think that you can detach enough. I think it's imperative that you detach. You must be detached beyond detached in order to draw them back..

I'll tell you what, you want a prime example?? I'll give you prime example on this site. i want you to look up GForce. He's over in piecing now. Just moved there today. At the start of each one of his threads he post links to all his threads. Go to his first post and start reading. You'll see when he detached. You'll also see how his W's fog lifted in the 11th hour.

Julia--you can't detach too much. Until you really "let it go" they won't "see" the real you. When you move on, truly move on then lots of times they come running back.

You have lots of reading to do if you choose. He's got about 15 threads probably...

Love is a choice Julie. Love is a choice.

Hey julia we are in the same boat as far as living alone and only a few friends around. I think that your idea for an art class is wonderful. that is the kind of thing that you need to be do right now. i think that if you focus of things like that you will find that it allows you to detach where as focusing on acatualy detaqching just keeps you thinking about it. i guess its detaching by distraction. if you have few distractions its time to create some new ones.

I agree that love is a choice, just look at our spouces. they thruly believe they are not in love any more because they have made that choice, of corse they have it backwards in their head about witch comes forst love or the choice. the ones here that have come back somewhere they have slowly made a new choice and love was waiting. I have the exact fear of detaching from her. if i am the only one who cares and i make my self not care then what is there?? but remember they are the only one who can fix this, so until they make the choice you are stuck and detaching will help you last long enough to still be there for them.

Hmmm... just checked the bank account and there is no money there. I re-read his text and actually he said the money was supposed to go in yesterday. Just for once, why can't things be a little easier! Our mortgage goes out on Moday so it will be too late to leave it later than today.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

How about something like "Hey H, I was checking up on the bank account to make sure we had enough for the mortgage on Monday and it looks like your bank messed things up again....could you please check with them as soon as possible, the mortgage goes out on Monday"

Thanks TD - I like the bank messing up part. Here's to a drama free weekend. I've had enough of roller coastering!

that is smart TD...

Julia- hope all is going well

M from TN, thanks for that, I'm gonna check out those threads, too.

Julia, detaching is so hard, I know, I'm still working on it, too. I think it's a gradual process.



Julia, the times that I've felt most detached are times when I know that I will be OK, even if I lose my H. Truly OK, that I will find love again, that I didn't just waste the last 5 1/2 years of my life, because how can you regret love and intimately getting to know another human being? That's a gift, no matter how it turns out.

Yes, I want to be with my H, and yes, I think he's making a mistake, but it's his mistake, not mine. I'm doing what I can to save our M, and if I have to, I will be able to walk away knowing the rest of my life that I was a successful human being for being willing and able to unconditionally love someone without needing them to love me back, something I never felt capable of before.